The Phone Call...No Words...

I kiss him every day, I hug him, I argue with him, I get mad when he doesn't fix it, why didn't he cook dinner?  Why didn't he hold me last night?  Why did he?  All of these thoughts run through your mind when you are told it may be the last time...All of it doesn't matter, just don't leave me...

That's just what happened at 1044am Monday morning when my phone rang.  It was Duke...The call I had been waiting for...the call I had dreaded.

Pathology: blah blah blah....metastasis from the patient's known gastric carcinoma...In English...Its back.  Tony's stomach cancer has returned after 5 years.  😭😭😭😭😭

How does this happen?  How do I keep listening to the doctor?  Why?  All the questions come running back. The questions from 5 years ago are ringing in my head.  And then it dawned on me.  Tony is now stage IV.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

After I handed Tony the phone, I heard him pacing in the family room.  Eager to know what the doctor is saying to him, I typed 2 words in the chat to my boss.  "Its Back," to help get my mind re-focused.  Tony with tears in his eyes handed me the phone.  I thanked Dr. Wolf for calling me and hung up the phone.  I went into the living room where Tony was.  We threw our arms around each other and cried.  We couldn't let go.  Our love can beat anything he told me.  I placed my hands on his face and made him PROMISE ME...PROMISE ME you will fight.  PROMISE ME you won't leave me.  PROMISE ME!!!

We started making phone calls and then went up to his parents’ house to break the new to them.  Tony stayed strong, as his mother cried.  I assured his mom and dad that we were fighting this NO MATTER WHAT!!  I could see tears in my father in laws eyes, but he was trying to hide them.  I gave them each a hug and we went home.

On the way home...I said to Tony...how do we tell the kids...again?  :(

This time we decided to tell 4 of the boys together.  Once they were all quiet. I began.

"There is no easy way to say this." I looked at Alec and Austin and I could see their eyes starting to water.  "Daddy's cancer is back."  Just as I had expected before I could finish my sentence, Alec ran upstairs.  Austin threw is face in his hands and pulled down his hat over his eyes.  Ashton and Aydin wrapped their arms around Tony as to never let him go.  Ashton was crying so hard.  The two little ones are old enough now to understand what cancer means.  Aydin even asked what stage he was.  I stood up and went to Austin and put my arms around him, while Tony held the little ones.  Alec came downstairs and went outside.  Before he did, I hugged him and told him WE WILL get through this...and then he left.  Tony and I swapped kids.  I went to the little ones and he went to Austin.  Austin collapsed in Tony's arms.  The 5 of us were just crying...sometimes, that's all you can do.  

I promised the boys that once I knew something, I would tell them and keep them posted.  Tony told the boys to get the guns and to go outside and shoot their frustration out... and so they did...except Aydin, he went into the office.  When I went in there, he was researching stomach cancer.  He wants answers, as we all do.  I just wish he didn't have to deal with this at the age of 9.

Regardless of the tears, we are a strong family and have been through a lot.  We have our ups and downs, but when crap hits the fan, we are stronger than ever.  And Monday...I had to be the strong one for 4 boys and their daddy.