SURVEY SAYS....

What a few weeks it has been.  From there being a possible lesion on Tony's liver to maybe not, to Tony being super sick and not being able to keep anything down...my tears have been flowing harder than ever.  I feel like I'm watching the love of my life drift away right before my very eyes and I can't stop it.  He is pail, he is weak.  His cheeks are thinning and bones are more visible than ever before.

A great conversation with our nurse at Duke had me realizing the one thing I've always wanted for the past 10 years Tony and I have been married.  To be married in the Catholic church.  Its a bit of a process when you've been married before, but it means a lot to me and Tony promised me a long time ago he would make it happen.  Then cancer had to go and infest our lives but I never thought there would be a death sentence in our cancer journey.

Hope - they tell you to keep the hope and the faith and not to give up.  But when your loved one is stage 4, its soooo hard not to premonis what may come sooner than you had ever hoped.  I am just so tired of crying ya know?  I'm so exhausted from it.  I learned that blasting the radio and driving at 70mph screaming at the top of your lungs helps.  And its ok to let out that deep hard in your chest cry.  besides...no one can see you hopefully cause their eyes should be on the road.

Before you know it its scan day and drummmroll....wait stop hold tight, insurance has decided they need a peer to peer to discuss why they should pay for a cancer patient CT scan.  Thank you CIGNA for making this hard CIGNA who denied 3 years worth of scans CIGNA for his cancer to return CIGNA in 3 organs which we couldn't catch any earlier CIGNA so yes CIGNA why am I not surprised that you CIGNA would need to discuss his case with his oncologist CIGNA.  Oh you will only approve the brain CT if they ADD contrast to it...ok cause that makes sense CIGNA you want to spend more money.

Well 3 hours later CIGNA said it was ok to see how my husbands cancer was doing and we got the CT done.  What is the verdict you ask?  Cause YOU KNOW i already read the report :D

The spot on Tony's liver has disappeared.  This means there is NO question about there being a metastasis to his liver!!  :D  The spot on the pancreas has thinned out a bit determined the previous thought to be lesion was from surgery.  In other words...NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE!!!  This is the best type of scan a cancer patient can get.  In Tony's case however, that doesn't mean much because his cancer doesn't tend to show up on scans.  We still know there is cancer in his colon and pancreas, its just a matter of keeping it under control with the maintenance chemo he will be starting.

The story of a stage 4 patient is good new is anything but growth.  We like words like stable, shrink, no evidence.  We know we will be living with cancer forever, but for today we are alive, we are blessed, and grateful to spend another day with our loved ones.  Why do I say we as the caregiver?  Cause I too am what my warrior is...we are IN THIS TOGETHER!!!