Not The Answers We Wanted

I'm sitting here typing trying to figure out how to share the news that I was told on Friday.  Its news that made me cry, news that made me scared, but news that also motivated me. 

A month ago Tony started throwing up multiple times a day.  He can't keep any food down.  I had no idea it had gotten so bad until I came home from a football game and Tony told me he had thrown up 12 times while I was gone.  I also noticed a couple of days later enemas appeared in the trash can.  Tony went from diarrhea to constipated in a very short time.  He had kept that part from me.  No med changes, same chemo, but new symptoms.  I also had noticed Tony's pain had returned and I began to worry.  When we went to chemo we shared this information and they ordered emergent CT of his abdomen and pelvis only to learn there was NOTHING wrong...that they could see. So we went upstairs for his 5FU chemo and went home. 

This round was odd.  The vomiting was worse and Tony started vomiting only through his nose in his sleep.  I tell you this not to make you sick, but to maybe help another person one day.  I emailed his doctor immediately.  When we went to Duke last week and finished up scans with chest and head. 

*RESULTS* Aspiration in lungs has increased.  He's throwing up so much he's now having it collect in his lungs.  And then I saw it.  I was reading the CT results to see, "Distal Esophageal Wall Thickening."  In the cancer world, thickening is NOT a word you want to see.  I again, emailed the doc immediately.

The whole drive home I fought the tears.  I knew something was wrong and started stomping my feet.  I demanded an endoscopy and ASAP.  We got a barium swallow study only to learn that he has a narrowing in his esophagus where the cancer was the first time.  😟  I sent the results to his doctors and asked his oncologist to call me.  We had a great conversation and just as I had suspected, based on symptoms, the swallow study, and CT scan, the current chemotherapy is not working....

Keeping that news from Tony was harder than ever.  I was fighting tears, anger, frustration, and looking at the man I love with every drop of blood I have, fighting so hard...yet it doesn't seem to be doing a bit of good, just laying there clueless as to what is growing inside of him.  I finally broke down yesterday and told him.

"What's wrong baby?  I know you are keeping something from me." he said softly
"I don't know how to tell you." I began to cry
"I think I already know." He answered
"I don't think the chemo is working baby.  We are having to add another drug to the next round."

Tony tried to hide them but I felt his tears drip on my arm as he buried his face.  He said, "its not fair," Followed by, "OK, I'll do whatever I have to do."  He is such a trooper, but I fear that this treatment will be too hard on him.  Its very similar to what he had 5 years ago. (Oxaliplatin is the chemo they are adding) Then I question why are we doing this?  Will this even work? What kind of wife would want the love of her life to go through this.  THEN...I remembered.  HE wants to fight.  HE is not ready to give up and I HAVE to support him either way.

Telling the older boys that the chemo wasn't working was not easy.  I practiced on a couple of family members so that I wouldn't be a blubbering fool.  The boys sorta take their lead from me when it comes to Tony's health.  If I'm worried or crying, they do the same.  I HAVE to stay positive and so do they.

**THE RAW PART**  How the hell am I supposed to stay positive?  Its hard when all my friends husbands, wives, and dad's are entering or are in Hospice.   I'm sitting here every night kissing my love before bed wondering if that will be the last time.  I ask myself, if all this pain he is in is only going to give me a few more weeks, WHY?  WHY DO THIS TO HIM?  I want a CURE not a treatment.  Lets try this lets try that.  And when we fall...we just keep getting back up.  THATs WHY cause just maybe just maybe, one of those tries...we won't fall.  We will have success.  I PRAY!!

The plan now is scope next week, followed by 5FU and Oxaliplatin chemotherapy.  Nothing cold for Tony moving forward.  I'll tell you what though...what was NOT in the plan, Tony breaking his thumb and needing a cast.  😒  SERIOUSLY!!  If cancer isn't enough, we have to break bones.

In the mean time, I will love on my hubby, give him extra kisses, and snuggle with him every chance I get...don't forget WHY you're fighting.  Its the relationship we treasure.  I fight for the love of my life.