...And Now We Wait...Heavy Heart and Tears

Today was a long day.  Not only were we of course running late due to traffic on 95 and 40, today was scan day.  Scans that were supposed to be May 21, were now May 7...today.  Tony hasn't really been getting chemo cause he hasn't been well enough.  Between high white blood cell counts, infections, and more, our dear warrior hasn't received but 1 dose of 1 of his 2 chemo drugs in the past 6 weeks.

In March his CT showed a possible infection in his lungs.  Antibiotics were prescribed however Tony was still coughing in his sleep and running low grade fevers.  Nothing seemed to get him better, but he really wasn't any worse either.  His mental state has been kinda blah.  The doctors and I tossed that up to he's still grieving.  I mean shoot, who wouldn't be right?

My stomach had been in knots all day but more importantly since the end of January when the pneumonia and other junk in his lungs started.  Chest XRAY last week didn't tell us much except that he didn't have pneumonia...it was something else...but what exactly.

CT scan today showed the spot on his lung from march that was thought to be an"infection" was now more solid and had doubled in size.  Unclear metastasis the CT says.  Can't confirm or deny.  The question?  Does it matter when it comes to a Stage IV patient and course of treatment?  Honestly, not really.  Either watch it and see how he does over the next couple of months, biopsy it and move on to the third line harsher chemo that he STILL has to save his strength up for, or what?  WHAT is the plan?  Why don't you have the answer?  But honestly we don't know until we consult with the pulmonary team.

Tony's cancer is nearly impossible to detect on scans but dear God in Heaven we have to know something.  Nevertheless, there was no reason for Tony to continue his current emo over the next few weeks....especially if its not working.  Tony needs time to heal and regain his strength.

The Family - The older boys know and we have decided to wait until AFTER Austin's graduation to rescan and test to see what that spot is doing.  The younger boys are just excited that daddy gets a break in chemo and going to Duke.

Me?  I'm a damn mess, but I have to stay strong when truly y'all I just want to cry and crawl into bed and cuddle up with Tony and forget about the world.  Our 11th year wedding anniversary is coming up...I think I'll just lay in bed with hubby all day.  I just don't think any of this is fair and my family really could use a break right now.

Tony?  He's been awfully quiet.  He doesn't really like to know what's going with his body or what's wrong and but just how we can fix it.  He's not thrilled about the break in chemo cause of what we have seen in the past.  he's still grieving the loss of his parents while fighting for his life.  I can't even imagine yall, I can't.  All I know to do is love him through it.

thank you all for your continued support, love, and prayers.  Its going to be a long 6 weeks.