What I do know is fear. Fear what its going to be like, guilt for thinking about it, grief of a past life, and anger for cancer making me feel all of this. I feel like I've been given a curfew that isn't fair. A curfew that I know exists but no one will tell me the time.
A month ago we tried a new chemo. Tony was pretty adamant about trying chemo again. He said a break in chemo would kill him. He said he knows what has happened to others when they stop chemo. Where as I disagreed. I felt like the chemo was making him sicker, weaker, and lose weight. But Tony was pretty determined to give it one more shot, and so we did.
Monday he weighed in at 138 pounds at Duke; A 7 pound weight loss in 2 weeks. His oncologist turned his chemo down in hopes that he could maintain his weight and be able to tolerate this new drug. By Thursday Tony was in uncontrollable pain. When its that bad, certain meds help so he can sleep through the pain. Saturday morning I convinced Tony to get on the scale. My fear was spot on, Tony had lost 12 pounds in just 6 days. At the same time his oncologist had emailed me asking for an update. We discussed the past few days and then I saw the last sentence in her email.
Regarding Chemo - NO MORE.
Tony is not able to tolerate anymore chemo...and honestly we are reluctant to try anything else. And now...I'm in uncharted territory.
We have been doing this fight for over six years. We are literally treating an invisible cancer. I truly hate not having a plan. I hate not being able to physically SEE what we are treating. Its hard to know what is the right decision to make. I fear that the chemo is going to take him before the cancer will, but if he doesn't have chemo, its only a matter of time. SO WHAT DO WE DO????? Well, Monday we go back to Duke for labs, fluids, chest x-ray, and a quick visit with the doc, and go from there.
I know he's tired physically, but mentally he's very much still there and wanting to fight. He's loving, kind, gentle, and still spending time with the boys. He's making those times special. He tells me not to worry, and that's he's ok. He allows the boys to play his phone while laying in his armpit. And the boys just want that time with him. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant. Just allowing that time to happen. It means going to bed late, and sharing your bed with the kiddos. It means dinner in bed with daddy, crumbs in the sheets, and a young one on my side of the bed. These memories will be what matters. So with that said, I'm ending this with, instead of typing, I'm going to join Tony and the boys in bed, and treasure every moment. Cause at the end of the day, that's all any of us have.
PRAY FOR OUR HERO, OUR WARRIOR, OUR LOVE!! #TEAMTONY
[ ] Im so sorry and sending my heartfelt love. My darling hubby Richard was told no more last Friday, since then he is now having end of life care at home. Its an awful joyrney for anyone to make but so harder for our husbands, the acceptance of their illness, the acceptance knowing they wont see the snow again, the grandchildren grow up. We only married in Nov 2017, been together 11 years. Both been married before, Richard 1 daughter, me a daughter, a son and the youngest twin daughters, one of which just finished her chemo and got the clear on her first scan. I have been in this place before in my mid 20's, my first young husband died of bone cancer aged just 24. It doesn't make it any easier to bear having been through it before. I miss my Richards jokes, his smile, althpugh he still manages one ccasionally X. Now he cannot sit up, has stopped eating, just sips water and gets confused. His time is very near, ���� me, Im not ready to be alone but must get prepared...how does one do that? I dont know but will soon discover. Signet cell stomach oesopgus junction defused cancer is rare, its aggresdive and very ugly and seems to know all the plans to attempt to destroy it in advance, and managed to outwit our every move. It may think its won as it takes another life but ture love always wins, and mine and Richards souls will meet again. Stay strong. xxxxx
ReplyDeleteChristy, I just wish I could hug all of you'll at one time and take some of this stress away, I love you...you know that!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to read this. Your neighbor contacted me to place your Husband on our prayer list. I am doing that now. We will pray. Sometimes I have so many questions to ask God, the biggest one is WHY? but we have to trust that God's ways our not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. If there is one book I could recommend to you, it would be HEAVEN written by Randy Alcorn....I have shared this book time and time again with those who have a spouse preparing to go into eternity, they would read this book every day. I was contacted several times with thanks and how this book helped bring true peace to the one that was getting ready to change address (I don't like to say die) because God's children just change addresses for a while until we are all reunited. I have lost an older sister to cancer. My baby sister is a survivor, my baby Brother is in remission....I also loss my Mom to lung cancer. The pain is so hard...but I have to believe that when God says he has a plan for us, a plan for good (even though it doesn't look good) an plan for a hope and a future (even though the future looks bleak) .... that He really does have a plan for Us. The greatest gift for Tony right now is to rest in the assurance that He truly is loved by God and that truthfully, we are all just passing through here. This isn't our real home. If I could see all that my sister is seeing right now, I wouldn't want her back in her sick cancer filled body....she is free. The book on Heaven will get you so pumped up and excited that you will have a total peace about why it is so important to make sure our hearts are right with God before we move on. We will be lifting you up and we will be wrapping our arms around Tony in prayer. May God bless you with peace as you walk this road....know that Jesus walks with you every step of the way.
ReplyDeleteMe again, I am just reading that your husband has stomach cancer, I was told I was on the verge of Stomach cancer. I saw a holistic nurse (Pamela Evans Gerry) who worked with me through colonics and taking Candisol to kill off yeast over growth which is what cancer is.... please go to her website. Her husband had only weeks to live and she began colonics and changing his diet, he is a survivor. I don't want to give you false hope, but please go to her website and get educated about cancer....my DR could not believe the change in my GI Track....talk to Pam Gerry via e-mail. She will write you. Her Website ishttp://www.healthlyceum.com/ it's the Health Lyceum in Springvale Maine. If your husband has a little fight left....who knows...maybe God is in this Devine appointment. She put me on Candisol Enzymes - cancer is an over growth of yeast in the system...I would go to her site and read as much as you can. Knowledge is power...and she is an amazing woman of GOD who totally believes that God created our bodies to heal. She is on Facebook Search Pamela Evans Gerry or just search Health Lyceum. Hope this helps.
ReplyDeleteWe fight for Tony and your family. May the light of love, friendship, and family heal the pain and this awful disease.
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