I'm Just As Scared

I've never really shard all the emotions that go through my heart during the journey.  The fear, the strength, the love, the tears, the joy, the sadness...and oh the ANGER.  Am i wrong for being upset and angry at cancer?  How DARE it come in and ruin my perfect little family?  How DARE it test my faith and my vows of sickness and health.  HOW DARE it pain my children and keep me from being the mom I've ALWAYS wanted to be?

I'm just as scared as them, I'm just scared as you, I'm afraid.  And sometimes...even though everyone is here for me, i feel alone.  I just need to cry sometimes, I need to scream at the top of my lungs but if I express or show a glimmer of fear who will be there for my children?  Who will dry their tears?  Who will show them that WE will be OK?  I have to love them all through each and every one of their emotions.  Whether its anger, frustration, fear, confusion, happiness, all of it...I, Mom, must love them through it.  AND oh its hard.

I'm scared that my fear will show, and leak out and they will lose faith.  I'm scared that I will join the young widow club.  I'm scared that the surgery won't be successful, I'm scared the chemo wont work, I'm scared of missing out on my young children's lives.  I FEAR THE UNKNOWN.

Dry your eyes your told.  Be strong for them.  You aren't alone.  He'll beat it.  Y'all got this.  I'm here for you.  Yet I just want to e a little girl where my parents tell me its going to be OK and it is.  I want my mom to be able to kiss his boo boo and all is healed.  It doesn't work like that.  I have to keep holding on and i have to stay strong for my warrior...my kids, his parents, everyone and deep down I'm just as scared of the rest of them.  Don't you get it?  GOD DO YOU HEAR ME??????  I'M SCARED!!!!!!!!!  Please Lord give me some courage to fight this fight with him.  Take away my children's fears and my fears...the tears are flowing ever so hard now....its the night before surgery...another life or death determinative surgery.

Tonight I will cry, I will hold him, I will hit my knees and pray.  YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM YET...Tonight its OK to be scared...as tomorrow I MUST BE STRONG!!!