When Is It All Too Much?

I'm sitting here in this hospital room again writing one of the hardest blogs writings I've ever put on paper.  For some reason, when we think something, it doesn't seem real unless you say it.  But then its still can be altered.  However, when you put something on paper...its like etched in stone.

I have been very quiet these past couple of months.  I have talked about long hospital stays, the waiting game, the ups and downs...what I haven't talked about is MY journey.  Where am I at.  I am struggling.  I am struggling with what the right answer is.  So many times these past couple of days I have just wanted to disconnect Tony from these IV's and take him home, put him in our bed, and just allow him to live or die...whatever God has planned.  Then I look at my boys with him.  I look at how they smile with him, how it doesn't matter WHAT they are doing as long as they can curl up next to their daddy and just spend time with him.  Because honestly, that's all any of us want...more time.  More time, but at what cost?  I have sat back and watched Tony go through test after test after test and had things poked and examined, that NO MAN should have to go through.  For what?  5 more weeks, 5 more months? or 5 more days?  Are we just spinning our wheels doc?  Cause I am struggling here.  I am..going against EVERYTHING I PROMISED HIM AND MYSELF WE WOULD DO.  I never said I would just keep putting him through this if it wasn't going to change the outcome.

I am hurting inside because I have no idea which direction to take.  I don't want to lose him, I don't want to let my boys down.  I don't want anyone to think I gave up or failed him.  I don't want to rob this precious time they have with each other.  And honestly, selfishly, I don't want to be alone.  I don't want his side of the bed to be empty, I want to keep fussing at him for leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor, and I truly honestly...something most of you don't know, I really don't want to love someone more than myself and let them go again.

My chest hurts, my eyes burn, my head is pounding.  I feel like I'm drowning.  There is no right or wrong answer, no one is going to come out of this on top.

Why?  Why am I feeling this way?  I haven't shared a reason.  Tony's MRI scans were clean. I couldn't believe it.  I had mentally prepared myself for hospice.  I was ready.  I knew what I was going to say to the boys and our family and friends.  I was prepared.  When we got the news that everything was fine, I said, that's great...but then why the hell is all of this happening?

For the past 8 weeks Tony has had some personal issues killing his dignity, these past 2 weeks his bowels stopped moving.  We agreed that TPN was the way to go in hopes that everything that he was experiencing was a result of malnutrition.  Tony was supposed to be admitted Sunday to start TPN in the hospital and then we would go home after a week.  Instead he woke up Thursday morning with his belly distended.  Not too too much, but enough for me to notice and call the doctors.  They moved his admission up to that same day.  His CT of course showed not evidence of disease, but a slight increase in ascites.  We agreed this was due to malnutrition and started TPN immediately.  In the mean time they tried shots and suppositories to help his bowels move...nothing.  They had him pee in a cup, examined his male parts, prostate exam, and more. They consulted with urology and wanted to scope his bladder.  When I learned what that entailed, I said STOP!!!  Hasn't this many been through enough?  HIs surgeon who has been with us for these past 7 years came in and I broke down and cried.  When is enough, enough?   Tony has been poked and prodded in places NO MAN should EVER be.  What is our goal here doc and what are you not telling me?  His response...lets see what tests show.  I'll talk with your oncologist this afternoon.  He answered.  He agreed, Tony is my husband, a daddy, not a guinea pig.

The lesson here is....don't be afraid to ask for a line in the sand.  Don't be afraid to ask for a goal.  MAKE SURE you aren't spending what could be your last days grasping for straws and putting your love through unnecessary tests.  Lay in the bed with one another, kiss often.  Follow your gut and speak up.  Quality over Quantity.