....When Your Gut Is Right

Why did I say Christmas?  Why was that always what stuck out in my mind?  I told them...I told them they can't find it.  THE CANCER IS THERE...YOU JUST CAN'T SEE IT!!!  I mean I get it...diffused cancer, it doesn't show on scans.  HE CANT POOP DOC!!!  HE THROWS IT ALL UP DOC!!!  HE IS IN PAIN DOC!!  SOMETHING IS WRONG DOC!!!  An obstruction...no cancer Ms. Leonard.  THEN FIX IT...and so it was.

DOC...He can't control his bladder.  Hes only 45 doc.  WHATS WRONG DOC??  Its the cancer I'm telling you.  Ms. Leonard, we don't see any cancer.  THEN WHATS WRONG???  He tested positive for a UTI.  Antibiotics are waiting for him at the pharmacy.

DOC...He can't control his bowels.  ITS THE CANCER...I know it is.  Christy, I'm admitting him and we will scan his spine...prepare yourself.  Back to Duke for a 3 hour MRI.  I'm ready Doc, just tell me.  SCANS ARE CLEAR!!!  WHAT???  SERIOUSLY???  THEN WHATS WRONG??  ITS THE CANCER I KNOW IT IS.  Ms. Leonard we think its his nutrition...let start TPN.

Happy Birthday Tony...time to start TPN, when do you want to come to the hospital?  Can it be after the boys football game this weekend?  Its the second round of the playoffs and I don't want him to miss it.  Absolutely the doc says.

DOC!!!  HES PROJECTILE VOMITTING, HIS BELLY IS SWOLLEN...WHAT DO I DO DOC?  I'm admitting him Christy.  NOOOO He's going to miss the game...Christy, get it together...and so I did.

All this poking and prodding DOC...tell me...TELL ME!!!  We don't have results yet.  Then I'm going home for a couple of days to be with my boys.  I love you honey, see you Thursday Doc.

Phone rings - Yes Doc? Are you home?  Yes.  Are you with the boys?  Yes, but they are in the other room.

I'm sorry to do this over the phone...No Doc, say it aint so...His ascites tested positive for cancer cells...NO...NO...NO!!!!!!!!!!  I am so sorry Christy.  WHY DOC...HE FOUGHT SO HARD!!  But...I knew.  I knew all this time.  My gut told me so. He said, you were right...you were right all along.  I don't want you to tell him, not without me Doc.  NOT ONE PERSON, I'll be there in the morning.

At that moment in time someone reached into my gut, punched me so hard, grabbed my heart and ripped it out.  WHY GOD!????  WHY?  WHY ARE YOU TAKING MY LOVE FROM ME?  WHY ARE YOU TAKING MY BABY'S DADDY?  WHAT DID HE EVER DO?  HE'S A GOOD MAN GOD.  WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME????  YOU TOOK MY BROTHER, YOU TOOK MY FATHER IN LAW, MY MOTHER IN LAW....WHY ARE YOU TAKING HIM FROM OUR FAMILY???

It hurts?  I'm drowning...I can't breath.  The tears are pouring and I have never felt so helpless in my life...then I take a deep breath and email the doc...What are our options Doc???  Tony's too weak for treatment, the recommendation is Hospice......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  any bit left of my heart fell to the floor with each tear my heart shattered.

.....and all I can think about now...is Dear God, how do I tell my boys???  Please pray for all of us.  I still haven't told my little ones...I don't know how.  Now...I am numb, for now my love is aware that his journey is coming to an end.  A journey that he and I both fought so hard to continue till we were 100 years old.  My love, my best friend, my everything.  A piece of me will die with you...I will never be the same...But I promise you this...EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD WILL KNOW ABOUT STOMACH CANCER.  I PROMISE YOU THIS...WITH EVERY BREATH I TAKE, MY BOYS WILL REMEMBER THEIR DADDY, WE WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT FOR THOSE THAT FIGHT.  YOUR LEGACY WILL BE AMAZING!!!  and...you will always be close to me!!  XOXOX