Hospice, Heartache, and Healing

We are exactly at one month of hospice.  Its actually a lot better than we thought.  First we didn't think he was going to make it through the weekend.  All of our friends came over.  It was great.  We had food and fun.  The kids were wondering what everyone was doing here.  I didn't have the heart to tell them at the time what was going on.

 Tony needed oxygen and hospice had moved in so quickly.  I think what had gotten to me more than anything else was they told they said it was going to be fast.  I guess they didn't know my Tony.  He never let anything go quickly.  He sure as heck wasn't going to give up.

There were still things that needed to be said.  Places to go and people that we needed to see.  That's when I decided we were going to ENJOY hospice.  We were NOT going to jus sit here and watch Tony fade.  We were going to LIVE.  Tony got to make it to Aydin's football games, got to teach Austin how to fix up his truck, snuggle up with Ashton, enjoy time with his granddaughters, time with Anthoney and Alec and everything.  Tony even had the opportunity to sit down with the boys and express his expectations after he's gone.  Remind them we are still a family even though he's gone.  NOTHING will ever change that!!  I think what as almost more important, was the fact that we got to spend time as whole family unit...as LEONARDS.

 Christmas Eve, they were all here.  No pictures, not poses, just hot dogs, marsh mellows, pajamas, laughs, and even some tears.  You can't expect  a night with 5 brothers to go completely smooth can you?  My parents came and mom forgot the presents an hour away.  My dad graciously went and retrieved them.  The look on the older boys faces were priceless.  WHO DOES THAT??  A great husband, father, and grandfather does.  Its life by example.  Tony and I got to enjoy it all together.  Aydin got a little upset when we pulled out old family videos and pictures because he told me it wasn't fair that he wouldn't be able to do that.  I said Aydin, you have your OWN memories and daddy will still be at everything and in everything you do and WE DO!!!

I truly wanted them to all make memories.  I wanted to give them the chance to say I'm sorry, I love you, and anything that they felt they needed to say.  Instead my little ones, I sometimes wish they didn't know.  They have fears that they didn't have before.  Ashton often says, Daddy, "I don't want to lose you," and breaks down.  He gets mad when people come to visit because he feels they are taking time away from his time.  But at the end of the day, I remind him that none of us are promised tomorrow, so if you want to snuggle up with me or daddy, DO IT!!!  Aydin I have found has become a protector of me.  He doesn't like to see me upset.  He makes comments like, "good to see you eating mom."  Or "Ashton, don't be disrespectful!!"  One night Aydin got mad at Tony, and Aydin ran into my office and told me he hated him.  "I HATE HIM MOM."  I said, "No you don't.  You hate what the cancer has done to him."  He looked at me, and a tear fell from his eye.  I said, "Aydin, if I told you that dad just took his last breath, you would never be able to live with yourself with what you just said."  He agreed, and I told him now dry those eyes, and go tell him you love him and apologize.  See, that's a normal life lesson.  Suck it up, apologize, and move on.  Raising the boys and teaching them right from wrong doesn't stop just because Tony is sick...it just hits them with a deeper reality.

Christmas morning was no different than last year, except I only made frozen pizzas for dinner.  I'm sorry I needed a break!!  HAHAHA The next day Anthoney and Akiya brought our granddaughters over.  We made slime, it was sooo much fun!!  :)  All the boxes were checked.  The list was about complete...and Tony has begun to decline...please pray for all of us...we are on hard times.

EVERY DAY IS A GIFT

We told the boys...it was gut wrenching, it was hard.  Aydin (10) yells NO NO NO MOMMY NO!!  And runs down the hallway.  Meanwhile Ashton (8) throws himself on Daddy's chest crying, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?  The four of us cried, and then I took a deep breath and said, It means no more hospital stays, no more doctors, no more poking, no more surgeries, we can be home as a family!!  The boys stopped crying and said YES!!!  :)  Kids are amazing!!  They remind us that we HAVE to look at the bright side of things.  With a fog there are always blessings.

We received letters from Duke to give to the boys' school so that the school would be patient for any missed days or assignments.  I however, still was going to try and keep things as normal as possible.  After about a week of coming home early from school and having a messy house, it was COME TO JESUS time.  I lined them up and said...Boys...I get it, we got some really crappy news.  But you know what, the sun comes up, the moon will too, and the dishwasher still has to be unloaded and loaded...the trash, still needs to make it to the curb, our lives...STILL go on.  We don't just STOP living and doing what needs to be done.  We are NOT going to just sit around and wait for daddy's end.  The next week Tony went from rocky to stable.  He didn't need his O2 as much, he was getting around more, wanting to go out shopping.  He even bought a new handgun...I mean really, what am I supposed to say, No?

Our family stopped grieving, and started LIVING again.  Tony even made it to Aydin's state Championship game.  Not only did he make it...WE WON!!!  Aydin played one of his best games ever.

This will be a short entry today because I'm spending more time with Tony and my boys.  Tony's hospice agency granted Tony's final wish, to see Aydin play in Florida at Nationals.  TONY IS LIVING...HE WILL NOT LAY DOWN!!!  Just because Hospice is here does NOT mean you die tomorrow, it means you ENJOY LIFE COMFORTABLY.  I wish sometimes we had brought hospice in earlier because Tony is finally not in as much pain as he was.  He can receive medications without fail and question, I have help if need be, we have nurses who are members of our family now.  Oxygen delivered same day, shower chairs, wound care.  Our warrior is NOT giving up yall, he is STILL LIVING.  He is tired, he is weak, but his mind is full and there and loving.  Yes, Tony is losing weight and has issues eating, but that's not what this is about, its making EACH DAY A GIFT.  A TREASURE. A BLESSING.

My Tony is strong with his heart and mind.  I'd rather have that, than anything else!!!

We can't ever thank everyone enough for the love and support that we have received over the past month especially.  Tony said, "I've never felt so loved in all my life."  From the donations from mealtrain, household supplies from the stomach cancer warriors group, Debbies Dream Foundation for their continuous support and understanding, my PARENTS and BFF Nikki for dropping everything to let me cry and be selfish...and for all the newly diagnosed, i'm sorry you are going through this...welcome to the club.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Tony has had 7 AMAZING years and is still holding on.  Don't give up hope, treasure each moment, and when you are tired, its ok to be tired...you are not weak, you are the strongest for admitting so.  I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

OUR JOURNEY ISN'T OVER!!!

....When Your Gut Is Right

Why did I say Christmas?  Why was that always what stuck out in my mind?  I told them...I told them they can't find it.  THE CANCER IS THERE...YOU JUST CAN'T SEE IT!!!  I mean I get it...diffused cancer, it doesn't show on scans.  HE CANT POOP DOC!!!  HE THROWS IT ALL UP DOC!!!  HE IS IN PAIN DOC!!  SOMETHING IS WRONG DOC!!!  An obstruction...no cancer Ms. Leonard.  THEN FIX IT...and so it was.

DOC...He can't control his bladder.  Hes only 45 doc.  WHATS WRONG DOC??  Its the cancer I'm telling you.  Ms. Leonard, we don't see any cancer.  THEN WHATS WRONG???  He tested positive for a UTI.  Antibiotics are waiting for him at the pharmacy.

DOC...He can't control his bowels.  ITS THE CANCER...I know it is.  Christy, I'm admitting him and we will scan his spine...prepare yourself.  Back to Duke for a 3 hour MRI.  I'm ready Doc, just tell me.  SCANS ARE CLEAR!!!  WHAT???  SERIOUSLY???  THEN WHATS WRONG??  ITS THE CANCER I KNOW IT IS.  Ms. Leonard we think its his nutrition...let start TPN.

Happy Birthday Tony...time to start TPN, when do you want to come to the hospital?  Can it be after the boys football game this weekend?  Its the second round of the playoffs and I don't want him to miss it.  Absolutely the doc says.

DOC!!!  HES PROJECTILE VOMITTING, HIS BELLY IS SWOLLEN...WHAT DO I DO DOC?  I'm admitting him Christy.  NOOOO He's going to miss the game...Christy, get it together...and so I did.

All this poking and prodding DOC...tell me...TELL ME!!!  We don't have results yet.  Then I'm going home for a couple of days to be with my boys.  I love you honey, see you Thursday Doc.

Phone rings - Yes Doc? Are you home?  Yes.  Are you with the boys?  Yes, but they are in the other room.

I'm sorry to do this over the phone...No Doc, say it aint so...His ascites tested positive for cancer cells...NO...NO...NO!!!!!!!!!!  I am so sorry Christy.  WHY DOC...HE FOUGHT SO HARD!!  But...I knew.  I knew all this time.  My gut told me so. He said, you were right...you were right all along.  I don't want you to tell him, not without me Doc.  NOT ONE PERSON, I'll be there in the morning.

At that moment in time someone reached into my gut, punched me so hard, grabbed my heart and ripped it out.  WHY GOD!????  WHY?  WHY ARE YOU TAKING MY LOVE FROM ME?  WHY ARE YOU TAKING MY BABY'S DADDY?  WHAT DID HE EVER DO?  HE'S A GOOD MAN GOD.  WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME????  YOU TOOK MY BROTHER, YOU TOOK MY FATHER IN LAW, MY MOTHER IN LAW....WHY ARE YOU TAKING HIM FROM OUR FAMILY???

It hurts?  I'm drowning...I can't breath.  The tears are pouring and I have never felt so helpless in my life...then I take a deep breath and email the doc...What are our options Doc???  Tony's too weak for treatment, the recommendation is Hospice......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  any bit left of my heart fell to the floor with each tear my heart shattered.

.....and all I can think about now...is Dear God, how do I tell my boys???  Please pray for all of us.  I still haven't told my little ones...I don't know how.  Now...I am numb, for now my love is aware that his journey is coming to an end.  A journey that he and I both fought so hard to continue till we were 100 years old.  My love, my best friend, my everything.  A piece of me will die with you...I will never be the same...But I promise you this...EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD WILL KNOW ABOUT STOMACH CANCER.  I PROMISE YOU THIS...WITH EVERY BREATH I TAKE, MY BOYS WILL REMEMBER THEIR DADDY, WE WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT FOR THOSE THAT FIGHT.  YOUR LEGACY WILL BE AMAZING!!!  and...you will always be close to me!!  XOXOX

When Is It All Too Much?

I'm sitting here in this hospital room again writing one of the hardest blogs writings I've ever put on paper.  For some reason, when we think something, it doesn't seem real unless you say it.  But then its still can be altered.  However, when you put something on paper...its like etched in stone.

I have been very quiet these past couple of months.  I have talked about long hospital stays, the waiting game, the ups and downs...what I haven't talked about is MY journey.  Where am I at.  I am struggling.  I am struggling with what the right answer is.  So many times these past couple of days I have just wanted to disconnect Tony from these IV's and take him home, put him in our bed, and just allow him to live or die...whatever God has planned.  Then I look at my boys with him.  I look at how they smile with him, how it doesn't matter WHAT they are doing as long as they can curl up next to their daddy and just spend time with him.  Because honestly, that's all any of us want...more time.  More time, but at what cost?  I have sat back and watched Tony go through test after test after test and had things poked and examined, that NO MAN should have to go through.  For what?  5 more weeks, 5 more months? or 5 more days?  Are we just spinning our wheels doc?  Cause I am struggling here.  I am..going against EVERYTHING I PROMISED HIM AND MYSELF WE WOULD DO.  I never said I would just keep putting him through this if it wasn't going to change the outcome.

I am hurting inside because I have no idea which direction to take.  I don't want to lose him, I don't want to let my boys down.  I don't want anyone to think I gave up or failed him.  I don't want to rob this precious time they have with each other.  And honestly, selfishly, I don't want to be alone.  I don't want his side of the bed to be empty, I want to keep fussing at him for leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor, and I truly honestly...something most of you don't know, I really don't want to love someone more than myself and let them go again.

My chest hurts, my eyes burn, my head is pounding.  I feel like I'm drowning.  There is no right or wrong answer, no one is going to come out of this on top.

Why?  Why am I feeling this way?  I haven't shared a reason.  Tony's MRI scans were clean. I couldn't believe it.  I had mentally prepared myself for hospice.  I was ready.  I knew what I was going to say to the boys and our family and friends.  I was prepared.  When we got the news that everything was fine, I said, that's great...but then why the hell is all of this happening?

For the past 8 weeks Tony has had some personal issues killing his dignity, these past 2 weeks his bowels stopped moving.  We agreed that TPN was the way to go in hopes that everything that he was experiencing was a result of malnutrition.  Tony was supposed to be admitted Sunday to start TPN in the hospital and then we would go home after a week.  Instead he woke up Thursday morning with his belly distended.  Not too too much, but enough for me to notice and call the doctors.  They moved his admission up to that same day.  His CT of course showed not evidence of disease, but a slight increase in ascites.  We agreed this was due to malnutrition and started TPN immediately.  In the mean time they tried shots and suppositories to help his bowels move...nothing.  They had him pee in a cup, examined his male parts, prostate exam, and more. They consulted with urology and wanted to scope his bladder.  When I learned what that entailed, I said STOP!!!  Hasn't this many been through enough?  HIs surgeon who has been with us for these past 7 years came in and I broke down and cried.  When is enough, enough?   Tony has been poked and prodded in places NO MAN should EVER be.  What is our goal here doc and what are you not telling me?  His response...lets see what tests show.  I'll talk with your oncologist this afternoon.  He answered.  He agreed, Tony is my husband, a daddy, not a guinea pig.

The lesson here is....don't be afraid to ask for a line in the sand.  Don't be afraid to ask for a goal.  MAKE SURE you aren't spending what could be your last days grasping for straws and putting your love through unnecessary tests.  Lay in the bed with one another, kiss often.  Follow your gut and speak up.  Quality over Quantity.

Waiting Is The Hardest Part

I'm sitting here waiting.  Waiting because the next 24 hours will tell me what our fate is.  Tony was admitted back into the hospital yesterday.  I don't want to go into detail because part of this journey is keeping as much dignity for your loved one in tact. With that said, I went downstairs to get our coffee this morning, and on the way back they were taking him down for his MRI.  The 2 hr long MRI that would tell us if Tony's cancer has spread to his spine.  The symptoms are there, but we just don't know.  Tony has diffused cancer, and it doesn't like to show up on scans.  But something isn't right and we all know it.

Tony's malnutrition labs are right back to where they were a couple of months ago.  My heart is breaking for him.  Hell, my heart is breaking for me.  I don't want to be selfish but it hurts.  I haven't been able to stop crying since I got into it with God yesterday...I yelled at him. I told him I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!!!  I DIDN'T WANT THIS LIFE!!!  WHAT DID I DO TO YOU???  Then I called him an SOB.  I know, I'm not supposed to go there, but damnit...my gut has been in knots and my chest hurts and until they tell me different, I know there is something wrong.

So back to the room I went...alone...watching the second hand tick on the clock.  Looking at my phone to see if there was a text message or 2 not about Tony that could help me keep my mind off things.  Wanting to cry with someone, but instead, I do what I always do.  Focus on other things...like our golf tournament this weekend, the boys school, work....but honestly, I can't help but stare at the door and hope someone walks through with the verdict...as I type this the man in the white coat is standing outside the door....

My heart is racing, beating super fast.  Come out with it already.  They doc and PA are standing there and tell me his brain looked fine.  We got the all clear.  But his spine results weren't back yet.  What could be causing all these issues Tony is having?  What is the answer going to be, good, bad, indifferent?  Not wanting the cancer, but wanting an answer so we can treat/fix it.

If the cancer is in his spine, then the journey is coming to an end.  If its not, then what do we do so he won't starve to death?  Someone please guide me?  I don't' know what the right now.  

I made the mistake at yelling at God.  But I know he knows I didn't really mean it.  I'm just wanting answers.  Answers that will fix him.  I ask him what's wrong, and he just shakes his head.  He's so tired.  I am too.  I am straight exhausted.  But I can't give up...not today, not ever!!!!

Losing Faith...

Once upon a time there was a little girl who always had to have the closet light on when she went to sleep.  She was afraid of her closet when it was dark.  The door needed to be cracked just a bit so the light would act as a night light.  See the monsters don't come out in the light, they only come out in the dark.  They come out when no one is looking, when no one is watching, when our guard is down.

As the little girl got older she knew she could take on any monsters in her closet and learned to trust her gut, her strength, and face those monsters head on if they should ever appear.  The now not so young girl learned to sleep in the dark soundly, peacefully, and without fear.

Just then, when she least expect it, the monsters would bang on the closet door and try to come out and scare her, but the now woman would simply take a deep breath, and turn on the light.  For the light of the angles always protected her.  See there were no monsters, just fear...but our fears always come out when we keep the light of God off.  Her strength was so powerful, she forgot that God had given it to her.

And that my friends is where I am today.  I am struggling today.  I am struggling with trusting that light.  Every night before bed, I turn off the lights, and I don't pray any more.  I ask others to pray for me...cause I'm afraid if I pray, my prayers will be questions.  My ask will scare me, and His will, yeah well I'm afraid of that too.

I REFUSE to ask God why...because EVERY DAY, my love wakes up, sips on his coffee, and makes plans to go out EVERY DAY.  NO MATTER HOW TIRED.  Even if its a trip down the street to  Dollar General with the boys; Tony will find a way to make each and every day count.  So who am I?  Who am I to deny my love that memory or moment with his children?  Prime example, last Saturday Tony decided to take the boys hunting.  Now I can't get those two knuckleheads up on a school  morning at 6am, but come Saturday morning at 430am they were up and dressed and waking us up to go hunting. Now I was maaaad.  I knew darn well it was too cold and Tony didn't need to climb up a deer stand because I was so afraid he was going to fall.  Then a friend reminded me...Christy, even if its for 5 minutes, don't take that memory away from him or the boys...and he was right.

See lately, I've been living in fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I've been living like that for a long time.  The light...has been off.  See sometimes I get mad at God.  But that only means that I know he's there right?  I mean, I'm sure I've made him mad a few times.  I don't understand his plan or his reasons...and then I get a text message about how Tony offers HOPE.  Or today during his CT scan, a man said, see, he's a walking miracle and a testament to what OUR GOD can do.  And that my friends is why I'm afraid to pray...because I want him healed...and I'm afraid that in order to heal him, I'll have to let him go...and I'm not ready.  My boys aren't ready.  WE #TEAMTONY are NOT ready.

You see, Tony's birthday is coming up.  Our 5th annual Stomach Cancer golf tournament and charity dinner is coming up.  Our warrior is CELEBRATING LIFE with another birthday!!  Come join us, join him.  Every birthday for him is a miracle.

Tony had his CT scan today, and now we have more tests.  We have MRIs next week.  Tony's had some funky things going on with him lately and well, his body may say one thing, but his MIND says something completely different.  And I as his wife will continue to stand by and fight and advocate and care for him as long as he allows me too.  Our warrior is getting thin, our warrior may be tired, but our warrior is going to fight until its time, to join that protecting light.

The Results Are In - After 19 Days!!!

Follow your gut.  That's all I can say.  I knew something was wrong, I could feel it.  I just knew it.  But no one believed me.  We spent a week in the hospital 2 months ago and they couldn't find anything.  Yet my gut was in knots.  2 months of the same thing, Tony intense pain, throwing up everything he put down...yet nothing made sense.  It was time for routine scans and the CT showed an obstruction in his small bowel.  The worst part, it was on the outside pushing in...yet no one could see what it was.

Tony's oncologist called his surgeon and they discussed a plan.  Tony was too have an upper and lower GI scope to determine next steps.  But most likely Tony was going to need another surgery.  :(

Between being told no more chemo, and Tony being so sick, we decided it was time to for Tony to see everyone.  All of our friends and family came over for a great Sunday dinner taking photos and lifting Tony's spirits. Little did they know about his recent obstruction and possible surgery, and neither did the kids.  Not only did Tony have an obstruction, he was recovering from aspiration pneumonia.

I have never been so scared...or so I thought.  Monday I got his scopes scheduled and he was to start is prep Wed...but low and behold Tony walked into the kitchen Tuesday night and said, I think we need to go to the hospital.  TONY NEVER SAYS THAT!!!  HE HATES THE HOSPITAL.  I paged his oncologist and she called back right away.  She said to get Tony to the Duke ER ASAP.  She was afraid his obstruction had worsened.

We got to Duke and went straight back to a room.  XRAY's, labs etc.  Tony's liver enzymes had skyrocketed.  I mean 12 to 212, and pancreatic enzymes, 16 to 637.  My heart was racing.  The attending came in and I demanded a CT.  Explained what we had learned just 4 days earlier.  He had a CT and it showed the obstruction had in fact worsened.  Doc came in and said, I paged the Surgeon on call to see if you're going straight to an OR or a room upstairs.  UMMMMMM, Yeahhhh sooooo you are only paging HIS SURGEON.  Not some resident on call.  When I told him who Tony's surgeon was, the team came down right away.  Because Tony was stable, and his surgeon would be arriving in 90 min, we felt it could wait.

I called my mom in tears.  "Mom, I don't know what's going on.  I'm so scared.  Everything is a mess.  His pancreas and liver and acting up.  He's in so much pain mom."  Worse, we STILL didn't know what was causing the obstruction.  I just knew...it was causing major issues.

Good news, no surgery that night.  going upstairs and waiting for consult with "THE MAN."

Surgery was scheduled for the following Friday, we were told, but he wasn't healthy enough.  Tony was so malnourished on a scale from 18-45, Tony was a 7.  :(  That's when we learned that Tony was to start TPN and had to stay in the hospital until surgery.  Then, we needed another 7-10 days for him to recover and get healthy. I had NO idea how to tell the little ones, I had NO idea how I was going to do it, I had NO idea about anything at this point.

After talking to Tony, we decided I need to go home for a couple of days and break the news in person. On the way home, my best friend called me.  She was coming to help!!!  For as long as we needed her too.  She was my angel.

I pulled into the driveway, and surprised the boys...then I heard from Ashton, wait...where's daddy mommy?  My heart sunk.  I told them to dry off and come inside.

Daddy's going to be in the hospital for a little while.  How long mommy?  A couple more weeks baby.  Aydin ran upstairs and Ashton started to cry.  Austin fought his tears, and I could see he wasn't happy.  I mean who would be right?

That night, I crawled into bed...and his side of the bed...was empty.

A week went by of me going back and forth to the hospital, it was time for surgery.  Surgery was a success, but when I asked about the obstruction...he didn't have an answer for me.  He told me pathology would tell us for sure.  At this point we were to focus on nutrition and recovery...but me, I only cared about pathology.  Was it cancer?  or not?

Tony was doing great for the first couple of days and then he took a quick turn and not for the good.  Tony began to sleep, and sleep, and sleep.  Couldn't hold a conversation and when he was awake, he was staring.  When it was time to eat, he had no desire.  A couple of bites, and he wanted me to take the tray away.  His color was no longer good, and I felt like I was losing him.  Four days I said, something is wrong.  Four days I said, we are missing something.  Four days, I relived what I went through with my mother in law, watching her die.

Palliative care was called.  I told him what was going on.  He asked me what I needed to know.  I said, I need to know if my husband is dying and no one is telling me, I blurted out with tears pouring down my face.  I JUST NEEDED TO KNOW!!!!  He put his hand on my hand and said, I don't think that is what is going on here.  I really don't.  I looked up and said, REALLY??  He said, No.  I think this is medication, something we did, and we can fix.  We went through every little medication, change add, removal etc over the past few days.  I said, wait...they increased his pump on Monday.  So we decided to decrease his pain pump, and turn off the rest of the meds.  The next day, Tony came a little more alert, but still no appetite.  I had palliative care paged and said, I don't understand.  We had another great conversation about quality of life and family and how Tony just wants to go home.  We miss our kids, our family, our home, we told him.

Just then we had some great visitors and we all went down to get lunch.  While we were sitting there, I received an email from Tony's surgeon.

Good news
Intraoperative biopsies did not show cancer, just scar tissue.

Ted Pappas

I gasped for air.  I couldn't believe it. I turned my phone and showed it to Tony.  Then Frank, then April.  WE WERE ALL SMILING.  I forwarded the message to his oncologist.  When I turned around, who did I see in the cafeteria?  But his oncologist!!!  I said, did you hear?  Did you get my message?  She had not, I shared the news and we did a big hug and celebrated right where we were standing.  IT WAS THE BEST NEWS EVER!!!

I  replied to his surgeon and said, OMG OMG OMG REALLY?  Followed by,

"Does that mean we can go home now?"  I asked

"Yes, Tomorrow." He replied

"With or without TPN?"

"Without"

"YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  I responded.  HAPPY DAY HAPPY DAY, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU...I AM HAPPY TO SHARE THAT AFTER 19 DAYS AT DUKE UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL, TONY LEONARD AND I WILL BE GOING HOME!!!  :)

We are surprising our boys at their first football game tomorrow, so please don't spoil the surprise!!!  PICTURES TO FOLLOW!!!

We can't thank you all enough for the INCREDIBLE support.  The visitors, the gift cards, donations, meals.  Its just been amazing.  Tony's journey and recovery is far from over.  He is still very malnourished, and weak, but we can continue recovering while improving nutrition at home.  I cant wait to sleep in the same bed with my love.

With that said, to my fellow caregivers.  Don't EVER stop advocating for your loved ones.  Wen you feel something is wrong, stomp those feet.  Follow your gut.  Family time is important.  Don't be afraid to accept and ask for help.  Demand the best.  And most importantly...BELIEVE IN GOD AND MIRACLES!!!  THEY REALLY DO HAPPEN EVERY DAY!!!