When Daddy Dies

I saw him lying there on the floor.  He looked as if he was just sleeping.  Could this be real?  Why did this happen?  Did he just lay down his life for his son?

Tony's daddy struggled with Tony's cancer diagnosis, especially the recurrence.  I remember him being in the hospital in the ICU back in June begging the doctors NOT to make me choose between my father in law and my husband.  I was caring for both of them, but at the time Tony hadn't started chemo and Robert needed my undivided attention.  He was finally on track with his medicine and doing so well...and then Tony started chemo.  Its like his heart couldn't handle it.  He burried his pain and tried to hide it from all of us.  But he didn't have me fooled.  We made a pact to stay healthy.  We had to be strong for our spouses, we had to be strong for Tony.

It was Austin's senior night and of course we were running late.  Robert called and I had missed his call :(  He had called Tony at 741pm that night telling Tony he had a hard time breathing. Tony told him to call 911 because we were at Austin's football game.  Tony's mom called Tony and said Robert had passed out on the floor, this time I called 911 but they were already in route. When EMS got there, he was already gone.  A massive heart attack in combination with COPD.  I'd say, maybe even a broken heart.

Tony's mom was also not doing well.  Her vitals were all over the place.  "PLEASE," Tony begged, "Take my mom to the hospital.  I can't lose both of my parents tonight."

While Tony's mom was in the hospital I did the hardest thing of all, asked for help.  All hands on deck.  Had to get their house cleaned.  It took a whole day and then some, but with the help of family and friends we got it done.

Tony's mom came home to our house.  She didn't want to see anyone while she was in the hospital, but now people were coming over to see her and Tony.  We finalized a few things with the funeral and took her to get her hair done and pedicure.  ANYTHING to make her feel a little better about herself.

Someone in my position, a caregiver to a cancer patient, has thought about being left behind.  Being a widow/widower.  I thought about someone trying to tell me what I could or could not do if something happened to Tony.  AND trust me...I DARE THEM.  I DARE someone to tell my mother in law she can't eat a piece of candy or smoke a cigarette.  She just lost her husband of 46 years.  Give her a break!!

Robert Leonard passed away suddenly and painlessly.  But he left a legacy, and one that he should be proud of.  He left beautiful land, and a place to fish.  He left a wealth of knowledge and stories of strength and courage.  He was a HERO and a PROTECTOR.  He was buried with full Military Honors.  The folded flag was presented to Tony's mom with tears pouring down our faces.  Tony collapsed on his father's casket while my youngest Ashton broke down and cried so hard and loud.  I can't imagine what its like to lose a parent.  I still have mine.  I still can pick up the phone and call mine and say I love you.

The whole time while I watched my boys cry over their Papa...I couldn't help but anticipate what it will be like for them...when Daddy Dies.  Whether its a month from now, or a year, or a decade, one day it will happen, and I don't care WHAT they say...ALL the boys, all 5 of them, are daddy's boys.  Just like Tony and Jeff, were daddy's boys.

Tony's strength through all of this has been extremely inspirational.  He is just so strong and upbeat right now.  He's making the hard days a lot easier.  He has his moments, but his daddy wouldn't want him to cry and be sad.  Death isn't always sad as we say in our house, being in heaven with God is a gift!!

I'll miss you papa in law...I'll think about you always.  I'll keep your stories alive.  I'll keep this family together.  I'll love you forever.  xoxo Your Daughter In Law

The Struggle Is Real...And So Is His Pain

There is a part of care giving no one likes to talk about.  The guilty part.  The part when the doctor reduces or increases chemo.  The part when treatment decisions need to be made and you always seem to chose what WE think will save our loved ones life when if fact...it just may be speeding up the process of the inevitable.  What if the decision was wrong?  What if the best choice was to just do nothing and have faith that God will heal or allow you to enjoy your life without having to deal with poison to flow through your veins?  This is a struggle I deal with with Tony every other week.  The last 3 rounds of chemo have all been different.  Round 4 was normal 5FU, round 5 was 5FU + Oxaliplatin (FOLFOX), round 6 FOLFOX with a 40% reduction in 5FU chemo because of side effects and heart issues that seem to be arising :(

2 weeks ago I found myself calling 911 because Tony was having chest pains and I ran into our bedroom and through my ear on his chest.  His heart was out of sync and beating all funny.  I of course was scared until EMS showed up and he was perfectly fine.  Go figure right?  I was ready to scream because here we are again with symptoms with no documentation or evidence to be able to treat properly.  At the hospital they of course couldn't find anything and we came home.

The next few days Tony's had increased pain and it seemed as though his meds didn't work at all.  So we would dope him up give him an ativan and knock him out to sleep through it.  And don't judge until you are going through it. Its not easy watching your loved one in so much pain, you'd rather just watch them sleep.  Like when your hellacious 3 year old finally falls asleep after such a long trying your patience day...you walk in to check on them at they are sound asleep.  Trust me when I say, its the same.

My struggles are real and only God can judge me.  I think about life if Tony completes this journey and then feel guilty for even thinking it.  I worry about my children after their daddy is gone and I get angry when people tell me, I'm young, and strong, and will find a way to move on.  Don't tell me when I am loving my warrior through it, instead please just come do my laundry or hold me when I cry.  No words will comfort me right now, for I am scared like everyone else...I however am not allowed to show it.