A Love Lost - Debbie Zelman

For the first time in a really long time I have no words.  I don't have the right thing to say.  I have no words of encouragement, only words of pain and sadness.  I know she would NEVER want me to dwell on her loss.  She would want me to turn that pain and anger and frustration into motivation.  She would want me to lift her family up in prayer and encourage her children to finish school and carry on in her legacy.  She told me a funny story about how her husband Andy went to work in scrubs one day instead of a suit and she was caught off guard.  She's shared with me how our children are so much alike because all they've ever known is cancer.  They didn't know mom and dad before cancer.  Sarah was 3, like Aydin was 4.  We talked about teenagers and college applications, we talked about boyfriends and girl friends of those teenagers and oh the similarities.  We talked about being neighbors and how we would never sleep. Our friendship was more than just stomach cancer.  Stomach cancer truly was our passion, its what brought us together, but our family was our heart and soul.

Debbie Zelman was like a sister to me.  I would never say she was my sister because I would NEVER take that bond from her true beautiful sisters.  The ones she played hopscotch and barbies with.  But she inspired me, she mentored me, she empowered me to not sit on my butt and allow doctors to have the final say in Tony's care.  She taught me how to be a voice...and though her voice won't be on the other end when I call, her message will CONTINUE to be SHOUTED from the rooftops.  We shared tears and even F bombs...when appropriate.  We shared laughter and frustration. 

Today I woke up with puffy eyes for my dear friend is soaring with the angels.  I have a lump in my throat that won't go away.  I have a pain in my chest that makes it hard to breath.  She and Tony encouraged each other to keep fighting the fight.  To me, my friend was invincible.  But like we all know, cancer has no remorse. 

I am scared.  I sad.  I am broken hearted.  I was crying at my desk yesterday and Ashton crawled into my lap.  I told him not now and tried to push him off.  Instead he wrapped his arms around my neck and held on tight and said, its ok mommy.  I couldn't help me latch on and just cry.  I cried so hard.  My baby, my 7 year old, did to me what I do to him when he is sad and angry and scared.  He forced me to let it out.  He said its not fair that everyone is dying.  And I said, no baby, its not.  I have to believe and have faith that God really does have a plan.  I have to believe that there is a special place in heaven for our warriors.

Every time I stop and take a deep breath, I can see Debbies smile.  I can hear her telling me its going to be ok.  She is telling me to keep the torch lit and to not let her dream be silenced.  She's telling me that she's always going to be looking over us.  Debbie's smile could light up a room.  But Debbie was tired.  She didn't want us to remember her that way.  She would want us to use her death as a stepping stone in carrying her message.  That is what Debbie would want.  Any angle to find a CURE for this horrible disease.

So my dear friend, I made you a promise that I WILL KEEP!!!  I will keep advocating and fighting for a cure.  I will continue to raise awareness and I will continue to keep your legacy alive.  I miss you and I love you.  A love was lost, but I PROMISE YOU will NEVER be forgotten.

His Bucket List

After Tony's cancer went in remission I made him a promise. I promised him that if  His cancer ever came back we would make memories and I would make sure his bucket list happened. Let's face it we can do 1 of 2 things when we get diagnosed with a terminal illness. One we can mope and cry and whine and be depressed about it, or two, we can live life. None of us are truly promise tomorrow. So I did what I think any spouse would do in my situation. I got some money together cringing at the thought knowing that 1 day I would have to pay it back but I started making all of Tony's dreams come true.

He always wanted his 3 car garage check
Always wanted an upgraded kitchen check
Always wanted to go on a cruise check
UNC Duke basketball game check
Matching tattoos check

I also promised my boys that I would plan the trip of a lifetime.  Making a memory with their daddy and take lots of pictures.  So I did.  7 days in the Eastern Caribbean on the largest ship in the world.  I booked the trip in Sept and dared anyone to give me a hard time about taking the kids out of school. 

When Tony's daddy died I realized how  even shorter life was.  His death was unexpected, I watched his mom cry and put her head down, not wanting to eat, and all I could think was, is this what it will be like for me?

I told him yesterday that  You better add some things to your bucket list because my biggest fear is that February 8th when we go to the basketball game, his list will be complete.  But  There is so much more life to live and participate in.

I think what hurt me, is that someone accused us of using money from Tonys dad's passing to do all this.  It makes me sick that I'm trying to make my husband's dreams come true so he can ENJOY it and people want to hate and accuse.  Don't you people get it?  Don't you know I would trade ANYTHING to have Tony be cancer free, to not be sick, to not need medications every 5 minutes?  I don't want your money people, I want your love and support.  I want your friendship.  I want you to come visit and spend time with us.  You can't catch cancer.  Don't judge me, don't assume, ASK.

I am making his dreams come true and trust me when I say, I'm crying through it.  You can choose  To do 1 of 2 things when you are diagnosed with a terminal illness. We are choosing to live.