I started grieving the day Tony was diagnosed with cancer. I started the journey and didn't even realize it. The day we heard cancer, I started no longer seeing myself growing old with him. I didn't plan a funeral, I didn't pick out a suit, I slowly watched the man I fell so deeply in love with...change. Things that used to be funny, weren't funny. Things that were important to us, suddenly weren't. And the people that we both swore would be there for us, just disappeared. See cancer just didn't take away the man I fell in love with, it tested my vows, it tested friendships, it tested my faith, and showed me how to fall even deeper in love with him.
Its easy to get so frustrated and angry. Why are you buying sports stuff Tony? Really ANOTHER WATCH? When the hell did you get into guns? How are you too sick for this, but not too sick for that? That is the grief. The reason I find myself so upset and angry with Tony sometimes is because I lost the man I fell in love with. You see, the man I fell in love with didn't buy stupid stuff, he didn't collect guns, and he was so energetic he never missed a single ball practice. The man I fell in love with hardly took Tylenol and now has narcotics to kill a heard of cows. The tiniest light at night drove him nuts, and now all lights and TV's must be on. He never slept walked, he never got upset, he always smiled, and always took me out.
Cancer introduced me to a whole new man. A man that has more strength than a man who can bench 700 lbs. A man that reminds me that dates and going out are special and not expected. A man with passion that has to still smile, when all he wants to do is cry and ask, "why me?" I see a man that fought a battle harder than any solider in a war because lets face it, there is no RnR, and there is no heroic return home. Instead its, do I get to live to see another day doc? I fell in love with a new man that stole my heart faster than he did before.
For 10 years, I have stood by and seen Tony bury a brother, a brother in law, his daddy, fight to keep his family together, fight cancer, and now watch his mother slowly die of a broken heart...all while CONTINUING to be a good father, a loving husband, and a supportive son. Now I'm sorry, if that isn't good enough for some people...but I am so grateful I lost the man I fell in love with and now have this AMAZING man changed by cancer. Tony is EXCEPTIONAL
Cancer changed me too. It has taught me organization skills where I can run 10 countries single handily. I've learned how to ask for help, I've learned who I can count on, and how to set up boundaries. I've learned patience, and wisdom, caring and being kind. I've learned what unconditional love is. I've learned how to love him through it. I've learned about LIVING.
We as spouses get it. When we say its been a long journey, but I didn't lose them when they died, I lost them when they were diagnosed...very few truly understand what it means. But the other side of the coin is, we also fell in love all over again...with someone new. Someone that was stronger than our first love. Our warriors learn to be more appreciative, they tend to be more sensitive, and they tend to be more understanding. Now that's on a good day, cause on the bad days, lord we are grieving that first love and miss them oh so much. That's why we are sad and angry...cause we are grieving life before cancer...and that's ok, cause our warriors do it too.
It hurts. It sucks, its painful. I'm tired, I don't know how I do it, so please don't ask. I don't have a choice, and neither does Tony. There is no alternative for us. Instead, please just come over and help, be a friend. I am so tired, I don't know which way is up or down. I can't thank our friends enough who are there and we love you dearly. Tonight though, I'm grieving my old life. I'm stressed today. I'm tired of crying today. Today...was a hard day for me.
So tonight before you all go to bed, look at the person you love. Embrace them, love them, tell them how much you care about them. Cause there are lots of spouses out their grieving a loss. That can't have those conversations anymore. That just want to be loved how they once were. There is a father who just wants his sons to love him regardless. I pray that our boys SEE that Tony is LIVING by example of getting up and fighting every day...for THEM. I pray that my younger boys continue to see their daddy as a hero. I pray for peace for his mother. Finally, I pray for those that judge. Those that judge my family and are causing us pain. I thank those who are there for us bringing us joy, and meals, and company...always.
