....When Your Gut Is Right

Why did I say Christmas?  Why was that always what stuck out in my mind?  I told them...I told them they can't find it.  THE CANCER IS THERE...YOU JUST CAN'T SEE IT!!!  I mean I get it...diffused cancer, it doesn't show on scans.  HE CANT POOP DOC!!!  HE THROWS IT ALL UP DOC!!!  HE IS IN PAIN DOC!!  SOMETHING IS WRONG DOC!!!  An obstruction...no cancer Ms. Leonard.  THEN FIX IT...and so it was.

DOC...He can't control his bladder.  Hes only 45 doc.  WHATS WRONG DOC??  Its the cancer I'm telling you.  Ms. Leonard, we don't see any cancer.  THEN WHATS WRONG???  He tested positive for a UTI.  Antibiotics are waiting for him at the pharmacy.

DOC...He can't control his bowels.  ITS THE CANCER...I know it is.  Christy, I'm admitting him and we will scan his spine...prepare yourself.  Back to Duke for a 3 hour MRI.  I'm ready Doc, just tell me.  SCANS ARE CLEAR!!!  WHAT???  SERIOUSLY???  THEN WHATS WRONG??  ITS THE CANCER I KNOW IT IS.  Ms. Leonard we think its his nutrition...let start TPN.

Happy Birthday Tony...time to start TPN, when do you want to come to the hospital?  Can it be after the boys football game this weekend?  Its the second round of the playoffs and I don't want him to miss it.  Absolutely the doc says.

DOC!!!  HES PROJECTILE VOMITTING, HIS BELLY IS SWOLLEN...WHAT DO I DO DOC?  I'm admitting him Christy.  NOOOO He's going to miss the game...Christy, get it together...and so I did.

All this poking and prodding DOC...tell me...TELL ME!!!  We don't have results yet.  Then I'm going home for a couple of days to be with my boys.  I love you honey, see you Thursday Doc.

Phone rings - Yes Doc? Are you home?  Yes.  Are you with the boys?  Yes, but they are in the other room.

I'm sorry to do this over the phone...No Doc, say it aint so...His ascites tested positive for cancer cells...NO...NO...NO!!!!!!!!!!  I am so sorry Christy.  WHY DOC...HE FOUGHT SO HARD!!  But...I knew.  I knew all this time.  My gut told me so. He said, you were right...you were right all along.  I don't want you to tell him, not without me Doc.  NOT ONE PERSON, I'll be there in the morning.

At that moment in time someone reached into my gut, punched me so hard, grabbed my heart and ripped it out.  WHY GOD!????  WHY?  WHY ARE YOU TAKING MY LOVE FROM ME?  WHY ARE YOU TAKING MY BABY'S DADDY?  WHAT DID HE EVER DO?  HE'S A GOOD MAN GOD.  WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME????  YOU TOOK MY BROTHER, YOU TOOK MY FATHER IN LAW, MY MOTHER IN LAW....WHY ARE YOU TAKING HIM FROM OUR FAMILY???

It hurts?  I'm drowning...I can't breath.  The tears are pouring and I have never felt so helpless in my life...then I take a deep breath and email the doc...What are our options Doc???  Tony's too weak for treatment, the recommendation is Hospice......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  any bit left of my heart fell to the floor with each tear my heart shattered.

.....and all I can think about now...is Dear God, how do I tell my boys???  Please pray for all of us.  I still haven't told my little ones...I don't know how.  Now...I am numb, for now my love is aware that his journey is coming to an end.  A journey that he and I both fought so hard to continue till we were 100 years old.  My love, my best friend, my everything.  A piece of me will die with you...I will never be the same...But I promise you this...EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD WILL KNOW ABOUT STOMACH CANCER.  I PROMISE YOU THIS...WITH EVERY BREATH I TAKE, MY BOYS WILL REMEMBER THEIR DADDY, WE WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT FOR THOSE THAT FIGHT.  YOUR LEGACY WILL BE AMAZING!!!  and...you will always be close to me!!  XOXOX

When Is It All Too Much?

I'm sitting here in this hospital room again writing one of the hardest blogs writings I've ever put on paper.  For some reason, when we think something, it doesn't seem real unless you say it.  But then its still can be altered.  However, when you put something on paper...its like etched in stone.

I have been very quiet these past couple of months.  I have talked about long hospital stays, the waiting game, the ups and downs...what I haven't talked about is MY journey.  Where am I at.  I am struggling.  I am struggling with what the right answer is.  So many times these past couple of days I have just wanted to disconnect Tony from these IV's and take him home, put him in our bed, and just allow him to live or die...whatever God has planned.  Then I look at my boys with him.  I look at how they smile with him, how it doesn't matter WHAT they are doing as long as they can curl up next to their daddy and just spend time with him.  Because honestly, that's all any of us want...more time.  More time, but at what cost?  I have sat back and watched Tony go through test after test after test and had things poked and examined, that NO MAN should have to go through.  For what?  5 more weeks, 5 more months? or 5 more days?  Are we just spinning our wheels doc?  Cause I am struggling here.  I am..going against EVERYTHING I PROMISED HIM AND MYSELF WE WOULD DO.  I never said I would just keep putting him through this if it wasn't going to change the outcome.

I am hurting inside because I have no idea which direction to take.  I don't want to lose him, I don't want to let my boys down.  I don't want anyone to think I gave up or failed him.  I don't want to rob this precious time they have with each other.  And honestly, selfishly, I don't want to be alone.  I don't want his side of the bed to be empty, I want to keep fussing at him for leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor, and I truly honestly...something most of you don't know, I really don't want to love someone more than myself and let them go again.

My chest hurts, my eyes burn, my head is pounding.  I feel like I'm drowning.  There is no right or wrong answer, no one is going to come out of this on top.

Why?  Why am I feeling this way?  I haven't shared a reason.  Tony's MRI scans were clean. I couldn't believe it.  I had mentally prepared myself for hospice.  I was ready.  I knew what I was going to say to the boys and our family and friends.  I was prepared.  When we got the news that everything was fine, I said, that's great...but then why the hell is all of this happening?

For the past 8 weeks Tony has had some personal issues killing his dignity, these past 2 weeks his bowels stopped moving.  We agreed that TPN was the way to go in hopes that everything that he was experiencing was a result of malnutrition.  Tony was supposed to be admitted Sunday to start TPN in the hospital and then we would go home after a week.  Instead he woke up Thursday morning with his belly distended.  Not too too much, but enough for me to notice and call the doctors.  They moved his admission up to that same day.  His CT of course showed not evidence of disease, but a slight increase in ascites.  We agreed this was due to malnutrition and started TPN immediately.  In the mean time they tried shots and suppositories to help his bowels move...nothing.  They had him pee in a cup, examined his male parts, prostate exam, and more. They consulted with urology and wanted to scope his bladder.  When I learned what that entailed, I said STOP!!!  Hasn't this many been through enough?  HIs surgeon who has been with us for these past 7 years came in and I broke down and cried.  When is enough, enough?   Tony has been poked and prodded in places NO MAN should EVER be.  What is our goal here doc and what are you not telling me?  His response...lets see what tests show.  I'll talk with your oncologist this afternoon.  He answered.  He agreed, Tony is my husband, a daddy, not a guinea pig.

The lesson here is....don't be afraid to ask for a line in the sand.  Don't be afraid to ask for a goal.  MAKE SURE you aren't spending what could be your last days grasping for straws and putting your love through unnecessary tests.  Lay in the bed with one another, kiss often.  Follow your gut and speak up.  Quality over Quantity.