Weddings, funerals, graduations, birthdays...these things bring us together. We share memories, laughter, candles, cake...we celebrate a milestone. Yes at death, many people celebrate so don't be all shocked because I included funeral in here...if you dress up, its a special occasion. But who dresses up when you go to the oncologist, or the hospital for chemo? Who picks out their favorite outfit to sit their kids or parent down to say, I have cancer? Not ONE SINGLE PERSON. and if you do, you are lying!! cause I don't know one person that wears their Sunday best to an 8 hour poking and prodding chemo session. When was the last time you were in a chemo ward ladies and gentleman? Its not full of cheer or song...trust me. The videos on youtube are one in a gazillion.
When I sat down and told my kids that Tony's cancer was back, one latched on to me, one latched on to Tony, one ran upstairs, one put his hands in his face, and the oldest wasn't there...but found out somehow and called me upset. 5 different reactions all from the same news. There were no celebrations, memories, laughter, or milestones, it was fear, anger, sadness, defeat. After a 5 year cancer free anniversary, WE all had to go through it...again.
The #TEAMTONY page was created, the FoodTrain was started, T-Shirt orders and donations came pouring in. All greatly appreciated and needed, cause Lord knows gas isn't cheap and neither are medical bills. The support we received in the beginning was nothing short of amazing. We put on this good front...but what was happening behind closed doors, was the complete opposite. Cancer was tearing my family apart. One was getting angry. In his eyes, Tony could do NO wrong and I was always the bad guy. The nest one now understanding that daddy would have cancer forever broke his heart. His life RUINED because his daddy can't do with him that his older brothers got to enjoy. Another child, grades suffering because his FAMILY was put first. What we needed was his priority. Making sacrifices for his FAMILY was most important...not school. Another son, emotionally not being able to watch Tony battle it again, so he runs. Feeling lost, and like no one understands what he is going through, and feeling alone...because truly, deep down, he doesn't want to disappoint his dad and he feels like he's done just that. Finally the last one, not knowing where he fits, where he can help, is he even accepted. These feelings they all have when NO ONE...NO ONE understands. Not me, not Tony, not their friends. Instead of them leaning on each other, they resent it.
....And then, there's Tony. Tony doesn't care. He just wants his children to spend time with him, and help him. But he can't get that from everyone. And he gets angry. He wants so much to teach them how to do things...oh and when the boys say, you would think he would feel this or would say that...YOU SON, don't know what he is feeling so HOW DARE you mention that. Or people on the outside say, Tony needs to do this or do that...What he NEEDS to do is fight for his life.
Finally, there is me. How is this girl keeping it all together? Coffee, writing, deep breaths, and boundaries. I scream and ask for help. Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't. I don't risk my blessings by wishing negative on anyone. Unfortunately this journey has taught me to remove the filter over my mouth and say how I really feel...good and bad. And I've also learned that sometimes your best support comes from the strangers that send you an email to say they are praying for you. Or the boss who says, take the rest of the day off and do what you need to do. Or the friend that cheers on your son at field day cause you can't be there and gives them a Capri Sun saying, its from your mom. Its the lady you met on the train who calls you out of the blue to say, something told me to call you today, or the best friends who have karaoke insulation night at 1am just to see you smile, or the girl friend who shows up with pizza so you don't have to cook.
But the truth is yall. My family is hurting. MY HUSBAND is in pain and has anger in his heart that I don't have the strength or power to remove. He is hurt. He doesn't feel like the man he used to be, and lets face it, none of us allow him to be out of fear. It doesn't help that Nov 1, 2009 he lost his brother, Oct 27, 2017 he lost his daddy, and 5 months later, Apr 4, 2018, we talked his mom to heaven. Tony has OUT LIVED every member of his immediate family all while BEATING one of the deadliest cancers. God has a message for him. A message of hope and faith. However, he feels all alone. We have to all pray for him that he finds it.
We are a family that I have worked hard to blend, but cancer is breaking us. And at the end of the day, Tony isn't the one that is going to have to live with regret, or pain, or guilt when he gains his wings, its us. Its his child that didn't pick up the phone to call, his friend that never came to see him, or the stranger that judged him.
When someone gets ill or dies, everyone is there in the beginning...but its those that stay along for the journey that mean the most. I encourage everyone who reads this today. Do something nice for a family that is having a hard time. Mow their grass and don't ask, just do it. Offer to do laundry, take the kids for the weekend or the afternoon. Bring them a meal, its doesn't have to be fancy. Offer your elbow grease, or show up with a bottle of wine (fre wine for me). Just be there for one another, and don't expect ANYTHING in return.
