Well, be grateful you are alive. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Be grateful that you live with pain, be grateful you have to take medicine that alters your personality, be grateful you can eat at least 1 meal a day without it getting stuck, be grateful that you can make it to 2 out of 10 football games...YES be grateful. The alternative is death. The alternative is not being there for your children, because trust me there are children that would love to have their parents be at 1 of those 10 games.
There is a secret, would you like to know? If you are a survivor, you need love too. You will get a cold and its not the cancer. If you get the stomach flu, you'd like to be seen by a normal doctor not 50 specialists. Woman still need pap smears, men still need prostate exams...why create a cure doc if you aren't going to bring the survivors back to reality? My throat hurts doc, well you need to call your oncologist, surgeon, GI doc, and Urologist. Ummmm my throat...not my $*@&. Who are you kidding here? Don't tell me I'm a miracle, I'm a survivor. I'm a fighter, a warrior that fought the hardest battle like any solider or marine. I get PTSD too...you know the smell of the chemo floor? Yeah that triggers a memory. Every time I undress and I see the scars and holes in my body, I get a flashback. Please don't ask me to tell you about the side effects of chemo any more, I may just vomit on your floor, and PLEASE don't ask me to take another narcotic because the ones you gave me cause me to barley get out of bed. I need you wife to tell me you still love me, I need you friend to come visit me, and I need you doc to tell me I WON the fight. Don't come see me only when I'm in the hospital. Come see me when im in my dark room, crying in depression because I can't provide for my family as I did before. Don't only call me when my wife posts on fb that she's having a hard time with me and reaches out for help. Come make me get out of bed, lets go play golf. Don't be surprised when you see me, give me a hug. Let me give you advise, my brain isn't broken, please know I'm still the man I was deep down inside, I just need you to help me find him again.
I don't want to be judged or fixed, I want to be loved. I want the parade for I have RETURNED from the battle of a lifetime. I want my life as it was before just like my family does. I just want to be loved, survivors need love to.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
What The Hell Is A New Normal
Someone asked me once, what is your new normal? Ha!! Funny, all I could think of was, I'm married, I have 5 boys that drive me crazy, and a sick husband...that's nothing new. Then I think back to our B C days...Before Cancer. Life seemed so much easier back then. Maybe its because we didn't have our boys in their prime teen years, or maybe its because our income was higher ya know before disability. Tony and I did everything and went everywhere together.
Then in dawned on me...I didn't feel like a single parent then. I catch myself now trying to handle everything by myself with the boys. I don't like Tony to get frustrated because that sure as hell comes easier than it used to. I've learned to accept that "Mother's Day," is just another day, and my birthday is a celebration that I too made it another year without checking myself into an insane asylum...trust me I've thought about it. I find myself taking on more now than I ever did before and I have no one to help me. I try to keep the day to day operations a smooth as possible for the kids without them seeing the stress or the tears, but as the days go by, it gets harder and harder.
When people hear sick or cancer, immediately attention goes to the patient...AS IT SHOULD, but those the family members are often forgot about. The kids' friends don't understand, single parents don't understand, only other caregivers. The problem is the other caregivers are so busy caring for their loved ones, who has time to talk. Oh and when we do talk, we sure as hell aren't talking about us, we are talking about our warriors. YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. And please, don't ask how I am doing, because I am tired of crying. The shampoo got in my eyes, that's why they're red only works so often.
The new normal. HA, well put one foot in front of the other and do the best you can. If McDonalds is dinner don't judge me I promise I know how to cook. If my kids clothes aren't the latest fashion, don't judge them, they may still be in the dirty clothes. If we are having a bad day, there may not be a reason and I'm allowed to have them, and if I'm tired, please just let me rest. The new normal...its now the norm.
Then in dawned on me...I didn't feel like a single parent then. I catch myself now trying to handle everything by myself with the boys. I don't like Tony to get frustrated because that sure as hell comes easier than it used to. I've learned to accept that "Mother's Day," is just another day, and my birthday is a celebration that I too made it another year without checking myself into an insane asylum...trust me I've thought about it. I find myself taking on more now than I ever did before and I have no one to help me. I try to keep the day to day operations a smooth as possible for the kids without them seeing the stress or the tears, but as the days go by, it gets harder and harder.
When people hear sick or cancer, immediately attention goes to the patient...AS IT SHOULD, but those the family members are often forgot about. The kids' friends don't understand, single parents don't understand, only other caregivers. The problem is the other caregivers are so busy caring for their loved ones, who has time to talk. Oh and when we do talk, we sure as hell aren't talking about us, we are talking about our warriors. YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. And please, don't ask how I am doing, because I am tired of crying. The shampoo got in my eyes, that's why they're red only works so often.
The new normal. HA, well put one foot in front of the other and do the best you can. If McDonalds is dinner don't judge me I promise I know how to cook. If my kids clothes aren't the latest fashion, don't judge them, they may still be in the dirty clothes. If we are having a bad day, there may not be a reason and I'm allowed to have them, and if I'm tired, please just let me rest. The new normal...its now the norm.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)