Time For Poison

Here come the Hazmat suits...does ANYONE else see something wrong with this picture?  I mean really, why is it ok for me and Tony to sit there in our regular clothes and here comes the nurse in full HAZMAT get up.  What is she holding mind you?  Chemo...ahh yes the medicine ie poison that will save my dear husbands life...or so that is the plan cause we can't just sit there and do nothing.  And it worked before.  So here comes the medicine in an IV bag with a big HASMAT sticker on it.  I wish they still used the Mr. Yuck sticker. And for those of you who don't know what that is...look below

What will the new chemo regiment be...5FU (Fluorouracil) EVERY OTHER MONDAY for 46 hrs.  Everyone other Monday we will make the drive to Duke for labs, doctor appointment, and then infusion hook up.  2 hrs after the pump hook up, we will go home with the chemo for 46 hours.  A nurse will disconnect Tony from his pump on Wednesdays.  Needless to say, Mondays are going to be loooooooooong days.  I don't know how he does it.  How in the world does he find the strength.  Then again, people ask me every day, how the hell do I do it.  ya know with the kids and the job and the hubby and the in-laws, and my answer is simple...I just do it.  Tony always says, "Too easy."  like the doctor told him to take 2 aspirin and call him in the morning.  Never the less, I sat Alec and Austin down this morning and broke the new of how its going to be for the rest of our lives...or for the next few months at least.  I reminded them that their job is NOT TO BE STRONG.  That is MY job.  Their job is to be a son.  To do well in school.  Austin - Its your senior year of high school.  SAT, College Apps...or I'm dragging your butt to the Army Recruiting Station and pushing you on the Army bus.  I say with love of course.  I asked them to help me keep Aydin and Ashton out of my bed during the chemo days.  We can't have any oops-es with Mr. Yuck here and the boys. Otherwise, I expect them to continue to be a team with me.  Life will have to continue as it did 6 years ago.  Football is still on Fridays and Saturdays.  I still have to go to work Mon-Fri. my children still get bumps and bruises and the lawn still has to be mowed, dinner made, and so on.  I just would like it done without the bickering so dad can rest and maybe we can all save each other some sanity.

Finally - one of the boys busted out today that his father is dying and no one understands what WE are going through. As much as I HATED hearing it, I'm glad this one in particular is opening up.  Another one has been having nightmares about Tony dying and waking up in the middle of the night sweaty as hell.  I had a horrible nightmare last night about Tony's last breath.  I HATE THIS.  Tony is actually looking amazing these past 2 days and that fear is still haunting my home and my kids.  I have to bring normalcy back into my household.  I have to let the boys get away for a few days to enjoy life and THAT IS OK.  Soooo They all went away this weekend to a friends, or family's house.  Me, where's my break?  I don't want one.  I just want to lay in bed, curled up with my husband and enjoy the sound of nothing.

SURVEY SAYS....

What a few weeks it has been.  From there being a possible lesion on Tony's liver to maybe not, to Tony being super sick and not being able to keep anything down...my tears have been flowing harder than ever.  I feel like I'm watching the love of my life drift away right before my very eyes and I can't stop it.  He is pail, he is weak.  His cheeks are thinning and bones are more visible than ever before.

A great conversation with our nurse at Duke had me realizing the one thing I've always wanted for the past 10 years Tony and I have been married.  To be married in the Catholic church.  Its a bit of a process when you've been married before, but it means a lot to me and Tony promised me a long time ago he would make it happen.  Then cancer had to go and infest our lives but I never thought there would be a death sentence in our cancer journey.

Hope - they tell you to keep the hope and the faith and not to give up.  But when your loved one is stage 4, its soooo hard not to premonis what may come sooner than you had ever hoped.  I am just so tired of crying ya know?  I'm so exhausted from it.  I learned that blasting the radio and driving at 70mph screaming at the top of your lungs helps.  And its ok to let out that deep hard in your chest cry.  besides...no one can see you hopefully cause their eyes should be on the road.

Before you know it its scan day and drummmroll....wait stop hold tight, insurance has decided they need a peer to peer to discuss why they should pay for a cancer patient CT scan.  Thank you CIGNA for making this hard CIGNA who denied 3 years worth of scans CIGNA for his cancer to return CIGNA in 3 organs which we couldn't catch any earlier CIGNA so yes CIGNA why am I not surprised that you CIGNA would need to discuss his case with his oncologist CIGNA.  Oh you will only approve the brain CT if they ADD contrast to it...ok cause that makes sense CIGNA you want to spend more money.

Well 3 hours later CIGNA said it was ok to see how my husbands cancer was doing and we got the CT done.  What is the verdict you ask?  Cause YOU KNOW i already read the report :D

The spot on Tony's liver has disappeared.  This means there is NO question about there being a metastasis to his liver!!  :D  The spot on the pancreas has thinned out a bit determined the previous thought to be lesion was from surgery.  In other words...NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE!!!  This is the best type of scan a cancer patient can get.  In Tony's case however, that doesn't mean much because his cancer doesn't tend to show up on scans.  We still know there is cancer in his colon and pancreas, its just a matter of keeping it under control with the maintenance chemo he will be starting.

The story of a stage 4 patient is good new is anything but growth.  We like words like stable, shrink, no evidence.  We know we will be living with cancer forever, but for today we are alive, we are blessed, and grateful to spend another day with our loved ones.  Why do I say we as the caregiver?  Cause I too am what my warrior is...we are IN THIS TOGETHER!!!