Time For Poison

Here come the Hazmat suits...does ANYONE else see something wrong with this picture?  I mean really, why is it ok for me and Tony to sit there in our regular clothes and here comes the nurse in full HAZMAT get up.  What is she holding mind you?  Chemo...ahh yes the medicine ie poison that will save my dear husbands life...or so that is the plan cause we can't just sit there and do nothing.  And it worked before.  So here comes the medicine in an IV bag with a big HASMAT sticker on it.  I wish they still used the Mr. Yuck sticker. And for those of you who don't know what that is...look below

What will the new chemo regiment be...5FU (Fluorouracil) EVERY OTHER MONDAY for 46 hrs.  Everyone other Monday we will make the drive to Duke for labs, doctor appointment, and then infusion hook up.  2 hrs after the pump hook up, we will go home with the chemo for 46 hours.  A nurse will disconnect Tony from his pump on Wednesdays.  Needless to say, Mondays are going to be loooooooooong days.  I don't know how he does it.  How in the world does he find the strength.  Then again, people ask me every day, how the hell do I do it.  ya know with the kids and the job and the hubby and the in-laws, and my answer is simple...I just do it.  Tony always says, "Too easy."  like the doctor told him to take 2 aspirin and call him in the morning.  Never the less, I sat Alec and Austin down this morning and broke the new of how its going to be for the rest of our lives...or for the next few months at least.  I reminded them that their job is NOT TO BE STRONG.  That is MY job.  Their job is to be a son.  To do well in school.  Austin - Its your senior year of high school.  SAT, College Apps...or I'm dragging your butt to the Army Recruiting Station and pushing you on the Army bus.  I say with love of course.  I asked them to help me keep Aydin and Ashton out of my bed during the chemo days.  We can't have any oops-es with Mr. Yuck here and the boys. Otherwise, I expect them to continue to be a team with me.  Life will have to continue as it did 6 years ago.  Football is still on Fridays and Saturdays.  I still have to go to work Mon-Fri. my children still get bumps and bruises and the lawn still has to be mowed, dinner made, and so on.  I just would like it done without the bickering so dad can rest and maybe we can all save each other some sanity.

Finally - one of the boys busted out today that his father is dying and no one understands what WE are going through. As much as I HATED hearing it, I'm glad this one in particular is opening up.  Another one has been having nightmares about Tony dying and waking up in the middle of the night sweaty as hell.  I had a horrible nightmare last night about Tony's last breath.  I HATE THIS.  Tony is actually looking amazing these past 2 days and that fear is still haunting my home and my kids.  I have to bring normalcy back into my household.  I have to let the boys get away for a few days to enjoy life and THAT IS OK.  Soooo They all went away this weekend to a friends, or family's house.  Me, where's my break?  I don't want one.  I just want to lay in bed, curled up with my husband and enjoy the sound of nothing.