My 10 year old Aydin and I had quite the conversation last week. It went like this.
Mom: Aydin, Do you have any questions about what is going on with Daddy?
Aydin: Ummm yeah, actually. When does daddy have chemo again?
It hit me, that Aydin was not aware that we were not going to do any more chemo...
Mom: Well baby, daddy isn't going to get any chemo for a while.
Aydin sat there looking around the room. You could tell he was thinking.
Mom: Do you have another question?
Aydin: Yes...soo if daddy isn't going to be getting chemo, what is going to keep him alive?
Mom (Deep Breath): Well baby, we just need to pray. Pray that daddy can get stronger and maybe gain some weight.
Aydin still had a look of thought on his face.
Mom: What are you thinking about buddy.
Aydin: What its going to be like...ya know.
Mom: I know sweetie, I think about that too sometimes.
Aydin: Mommy? Daddy's side of the bed is going to be empty...
All I could do was wrap my son in his arms and say, you can lay there if you want to.
One day, daddy is going to get to meet Jesus. He is going to prepare heaven for us and be ready to take us home when its our turn. And the truth is, none of us know when that will be. Isn't daddy lucky that he knows that heaven isn't so far away so that he can do ALLLL the things he's ever wanted to do before then? Its kinda neat right? We all say, if you heard the apocalypse was coming, what would you do? So why can't you ask the same question when you are told you have cancer? Because with cancer comes a fight. But sometimes that fight is painful. Sometimes that fight makes you tired and you lose who you are. And its ok to say, Jesus, Take me Home.
One day, my dear hubby will meet our creator. He will be reunited with his brother, him mom, and his dad. I don't know when that day will be, I just pray that I have the strength to keep my family together and Band-Aid their hearts...just for a moment. I want my boys to feel at peace because their daddy is no longer in pain. I don't want people to forget about my boys. I want them to still have a cheering section in the stands. I want people to treat them like NORMAL kids and most importantly I want my boys to SUCCEED.
So where are we in the journey? Tony has developed aspiration pneumonia...again. His liver enzymes have doubled in 2 weeks, white blood cell count is 17.6 (normal is 4.0). Physically he has been very tired and sleeping a lot. Mentally his fight is still on and strong. Friday is a big day for us. We have scans and come up with a plan. A plan that doesn't include chemo.
Saturday the boys come home from Camp Kesem. For those that don't know what that is, it s a camp for kids whose parents have been effected by cancer. It is put on my college students across the country and is FREE to the campers. http://campkesem.org/ its a place for the kids to get a break from what's going on at home and JUST BE KIDS!!! I just want my younger boys to laugh, and smile, and not have a worry on their mind...just for a moment.
BEACH TRIP JULY 2018
CAMP KESEM UNC CHAPEL HILL
