We are exactly at one month of hospice. Its actually a lot
better than we thought. First we didn't think he was going to make it
through the weekend. All of our friends came over. It was
great. We had food and fun. The kids were wondering what everyone
was doing here. I didn't have the heart to tell them at the time what was
going on.
Tony needed oxygen and hospice had moved in so quickly. I
think what had gotten to me more than anything else was they told they said it
was going to be fast. I guess they didn't know my Tony. He never
let anything go quickly. He sure as heck wasn't going to give up.
There were still things that needed to be said. Places to go
and people that we needed to see. That's when I decided we were going to
ENJOY hospice. We were NOT going to jus sit here and watch Tony
fade. We were going to LIVE. Tony got to make it to Aydin's
football games, got to teach Austin how to fix up his truck, snuggle up with
Ashton, enjoy time with his granddaughters, time with Anthoney and Alec and
everything. Tony even had the opportunity to sit down with the boys and
express his expectations after he's gone. Remind them we are still a
family even though he's gone. NOTHING will ever change that!! I think
what as almost more important, was the fact that we got to spend time as whole
family unit...as LEONARDS.
Christmas Eve, they were all here. No pictures, not poses,
just hot dogs, marsh mellows, pajamas, laughs, and even some tears. You
can't expect a night with 5 brothers to go completely smooth can
you? My parents came and mom forgot the presents an hour away. My
dad graciously went and retrieved them. The look on the older boys faces
were priceless. WHO DOES THAT?? A great husband, father, and
grandfather does. Its life by example. Tony and I got to enjoy it
all together. Aydin got a little upset when we pulled out old family
videos and pictures because he told me it wasn't fair that he wouldn't be able
to do that. I said Aydin, you have your OWN memories and daddy will still
be at everything and in everything you do and WE DO!!!
I truly wanted them to all make memories. I wanted to give
them the chance to say I'm sorry, I love you, and anything that they felt they
needed to say. Instead my little ones, I sometimes wish they didn't
know. They have fears that they didn't have before. Ashton often
says, Daddy, "I don't want to lose you," and breaks down. He
gets mad when people come to visit because he feels they are taking time away
from his time. But at the end of the day, I remind him that none of us
are promised tomorrow, so if you want to snuggle up with me or daddy, DO
IT!!! Aydin I have found has become a protector of me. He doesn't
like to see me upset. He makes comments like, "good to see you
eating mom." Or "Ashton, don't be disrespectful!!"
One night Aydin got mad at Tony, and Aydin ran into my office and told me he
hated him. "I HATE HIM MOM." I said, "No you
don't. You hate what the cancer has done to him." He looked at
me, and a tear fell from his eye. I said, "Aydin, if I told you that
dad just took his last breath, you would never be able to live with yourself
with what you just said." He agreed, and I told him now dry those
eyes, and go tell him you love him and apologize. See, that's a normal
life lesson. Suck it up, apologize, and move on. Raising the boys
and teaching them right from wrong doesn't stop just because Tony is sick...it
just hits them with a deeper reality.
Christmas morning was no different than last year, except I only
made frozen pizzas for dinner. I'm sorry I needed a break!! HAHAHA
The next day Anthoney and Akiya brought our granddaughters over. We made
slime, it was sooo much fun!! :) All the boxes were checked.
The list was about complete...and Tony has begun to decline...please pray for
all of us...we are on hard times.
