I often asked myself, why him? Why us? What did we do? Why can't it attack murderers, and rapist? Truth is...I don't have time to ask questions...only time to act. For cancer is not for the weak, it's for the strong...and the strong will SURVIVE!!!

Saturday, December 29, 2018

Hospice, Heartache, and Healing

We are exactly at one month of hospice.  Its actually a lot better than we thought.  First we didn't think he was going to make it through the weekend.  All of our friends came over.  It was great.  We had food and fun.  The kids were wondering what everyone was doing here.  I didn't have the heart to tell them at the time what was going on.

 Tony needed oxygen and hospice had moved in so quickly.  I think what had gotten to me more than anything else was they told they said it was going to be fast.  I guess they didn't know my Tony.  He never let anything go quickly.  He sure as heck wasn't going to give up.

There were still things that needed to be said.  Places to go and people that we needed to see.  That's when I decided we were going to ENJOY hospice.  We were NOT going to jus sit here and watch Tony fade.  We were going to LIVE.  Tony got to make it to Aydin's football games, got to teach Austin how to fix up his truck, snuggle up with Ashton, enjoy time with his granddaughters, time with Anthoney and Alec and everything.  Tony even had the opportunity to sit down with the boys and express his expectations after he's gone.  Remind them we are still a family even though he's gone.  NOTHING will ever change that!!  I think what as almost more important, was the fact that we got to spend time as whole family unit...as LEONARDS.

 Christmas Eve, they were all here.  No pictures, not poses, just hot dogs, marsh mellows, pajamas, laughs, and even some tears.  You can't expect  a night with 5 brothers to go completely smooth can you?  My parents came and mom forgot the presents an hour away.  My dad graciously went and retrieved them.  The look on the older boys faces were priceless.  WHO DOES THAT??  A great husband, father, and grandfather does.  Its life by example.  Tony and I got to enjoy it all together.  Aydin got a little upset when we pulled out old family videos and pictures because he told me it wasn't fair that he wouldn't be able to do that.  I said Aydin, you have your OWN memories and daddy will still be at everything and in everything you do and WE DO!!!

I truly wanted them to all make memories.  I wanted to give them the chance to say I'm sorry, I love you, and anything that they felt they needed to say.  Instead my little ones, I sometimes wish they didn't know.  They have fears that they didn't have before.  Ashton often says, Daddy, "I don't want to lose you," and breaks down.  He gets mad when people come to visit because he feels they are taking time away from his time.  But at the end of the day, I remind him that none of us are promised tomorrow, so if you want to snuggle up with me or daddy, DO IT!!!  Aydin I have found has become a protector of me.  He doesn't like to see me upset.  He makes comments like, "good to see you eating mom."  Or "Ashton, don't be disrespectful!!"  One night Aydin got mad at Tony, and Aydin ran into my office and told me he hated him.  "I HATE HIM MOM."  I said, "No you don't.  You hate what the cancer has done to him."  He looked at me, and a tear fell from his eye.  I said, "Aydin, if I told you that dad just took his last breath, you would never be able to live with yourself with what you just said."  He agreed, and I told him now dry those eyes, and go tell him you love him and apologize.  See, that's a normal life lesson.  Suck it up, apologize, and move on.  Raising the boys and teaching them right from wrong doesn't stop just because Tony is sick...it just hits them with a deeper reality.

Christmas morning was no different than last year, except I only made frozen pizzas for dinner.  I'm sorry I needed a break!!  HAHAHA The next day Anthoney and Akiya brought our granddaughters over.  We made slime, it was sooo much fun!!  :)  All the boxes were checked.  The list was about complete...and Tony has begun to decline...please pray for all of us...we are on hard times.





5 comments:

  1. If Tony needs to borrow my power wheelchair he's welcome to it & I'll bring it on over as well.

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  3. Hi Family. I am just now seeing all of this, I know it has been a long time. My heart was immediately captivated. You all are in my prayers Continuously. My family have also been in this similar situation and we know all to well what your family is experiencing. I pray for Peace and Comfort. You, Mr. Tony and the entire family were definitely there for us in our time of need. Please do not hesitate to let me know when I can be of service to you. Again you are in my prayers and thoughts. Mr. Tony is as tough as they come...We Solute you Sir...Keep Fighting..You have left a great mark in all of our lives, that will NEVER be forgotten!!

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  4. Sending healing thoughts to you and your beautiful family.

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