I often asked myself, why him? Why us? What did we do? Why can't it attack murderers, and rapist? Truth is...I don't have time to ask questions...only time to act. For cancer is not for the weak, it's for the strong...and the strong will SURVIVE!!!

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

I'm Not Ready To Say Goodbye

Have you told him its ok to go?

NO, NO I haven't.  I can't.  I think about what I'll say, or how I will say it, and then I break down.  I don't want to accept that he will be gone forever.  I don't want to be strong anymore and this will take all the strength I have.  What will I have left for the boys?

I turned on our wedding song.  I said, "Dance with me."  He took my in his boney arms, and for a min the world stood still.  We kissed, we hugged, we swayed, we cried.  How do I tell the man that finds the strength to dance with me that he can go dance in heaven?

I have planned the funeral/celebration of life, I know what pictures I want to use, I have discussed it with his best friends....but I can't tell him good bye.  I know he's tired, and I know he's holding on for me.  Once upon a time, I thought our love could beat anything.  It could survive anything...and maybe, just maybe our love could beat cancer.  How can you love someone enough to tell them good bye...forever?  We were supposed to grow old together.  We were supposed to renew our vows, we were supposed to argue about money more, we were supposed to laugh more...we were robbed.  I didn't choose this.  We didn't leave each other, there wasn't a big fight, so how do I send him on his way?

I can't tell him I'll be ok, cause I won't be.  I can promise him that I will raise our boys how he wanted them to be raised.  I can promise him that he will be in EVERYTHING we do.  I can promise him that I will miss him and that I will love him forever.  I can promise him that his legacy will continue to inspire so many.  I can promise him that Tony Leonard will become a household name.  Cause trust me....the world will know about stomach cancer and Tony Leonard!!!

Tony's journey is coming to a rapid end.  He has developed a Kennedy Ulcer (Kennedy terminal ulcer (KTU), is a dark sore that develops rapidly during the final stages of a person's life. Kennedy ulcers grow as skin breaks down as part of the dying process.)  I discovered it last night.  His nurse told me what it was this morning.  It completely broke my heart.  I now know we are looking at days.  His blood pressure and oxygen continue to be low, but my love continues to force himself out of bed.  My love is so strong.  He is NOT WEAK.  

Maybe that's what I tell him.  No my love, you are not giving up, you are not weak, you are not letting me down.  I love you too much to allow you to suffer like this any more.  I'm sorry I couldn't save you, I'm sorry we didn't have more time, but "THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH YOU!!!"

......Its almost time for you to be reunited with your mom, dad, and brother my love!!  Tell my brothers I love him.  Give your parents a hug for me.  Please tell your mom I hope I made her proud with my Korean cooking.  Tell your dad I MISS HIM SO MUCH.  I never got to say good bye.  And when you get to heaven my love, save a place for me right next to you, cause I will be there with you one day!!!

For now, I will dry my eyes, go lay in his arms, and kiss him, tell him I love him....and enjoy it.


  1. Christy, this is so heartbreakingly beautiful. You and Tony have been through so much and your love for each other has given you strength until now. I pray, no I know it will give you strength in the coming days. And know that you are also surrounded by love, near and far.

  2. ♥️ my heart is with you ♥️

  3. Christy... I cant even form the words ready how beautiful this is. I have followed you and Tony journey even before my mom left us. I am praying for you and the boys...never say goodbye... I told my mom see you later pretty girl.... sending ❤❤❤🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾from Houston

    Love Rasheeda

  4. Christy I never told my son Timmy it’s ok to go. I couldn’t. He was fighting so valiantly to stay on this earth for his daughter as long as possible. And yes he suffered unmercifully, I cannot even talk about yet. But his last hours on this earth were so heartbreaking and he was suffering so. That I prayed, “God, this is the hardest thing I have ever done, but if he has to suffer worse than he is already, as much as I want him here, to hold and love, please take him, he does not deserve this horrible suffering. And 15 minutes later my son passed in my arms. And whatever you do, know you did it out of love not selfishness. God Bless you��

  5. Oh sweet Christy......my heart breaks for you! I hope you and Tony know how much you have touched so many...near and far! Go hold your dearest love....fill his heart with your sweet words and just BE! The many who love you will continue to pray for Peace for you and your family. You will move forward...one step at a time....even when you don’t think you can...you will because those boys....ALL of them ...willl need you . God’s Peace be with you....❤️

  6. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing. 2 Timothy 4:7-8

  7. Beautiful. My heart goes out to you and your family. Sending prayers from Orlando

  8. Beautiful and sweet. Praying for you and your husband through this journey. God Bless you.

  9. My heart breaks for you and your family hon! I can't believe another classmate of mine if being taken by this horrible disease! We are still too young to go so soon! My prayers are with you and the family!

  10. Sending prayers for you and your family.. May God give you the strength now and always...

  11. Christy, you and Tony are an amazing inspiration. Your authentic love, perseverance, strength, and caring hearts is admirable. Sending prayers for you and your family during this very difficult and trying time.

    Paola, Chicago, IL