We thought he had days...but those days have again turned into a week, and now weeks. After we renewed our vows, my love started fading even more...just when I thought he couldn't lose more weight he did. Just when I thought he couldn't sleep more, he has. And just when I thought I was ready for him to stop suffering...I wasn't. There is a selfish side to all of this that I don't like to admit. I don't want him to go.
Last night after I helped Tony back from the bathroom, he fell into the bed, he didn't have the strength to move really, so I curled up with him as is. He had the strength to scratch my back, he had the strength to say I love you...and at that moment in time, I no longer was ok with him to leave. The world stood still at that moment in time. At that moment, there was no cancer, I felt no bones, and we were back to our happy lives.
Then reality struck 5 minutes later. He had to sit up quickly. He felt sick. The vomiting started. His eyes turning black with lack of oxygen. His weakness was apparent. I was so helpless. "My O2 baby," he gasped. At that moment I remembered how it wasn't fair for him. Its not fair for him to keep holding on...for me, for the kids. He's suffering.
This morning as I was laying in his arms, him holding my hand across his belly he felt my tears on his shoulder. "Don't cry baby." He whispered. "Its going to be ok." He's never said that before. He always said, "I'll be ok." Never, It... "I can't do it without you." "Yes you can, baby. You're a strong woman." He responded. My heart was physically breaking and hurting. I don't want to live without him. But its just not fair to him.
Tony's ulcer has gotten worse. Its opening now and his skin is just dying. Tony's not scared, we've checked all the boxes. Every day is a gift. Though he's breaking down piece by piece, HE, my love, my Tony, is finally at PEACE with life, with the final chapter. He continues to be strong for all of us. Our journey isn't over, but every morning he is able to say "I love you," is truly a blessing.
ABC11 Covered Renewal of Vows Click Here
As I read this tears stream down my face! I understand your pain and I pray that God will wrap you in his arms as Tony prepares to watch over you! As we all love our love ones God moves them more! You got this! I look up to you!
ReplyDeleteI meant God loves him more
ReplyDeleteWow. You are the definition of strong. When you said you helped him out of the bathroom. I remembered when we’d help my mom walk everywhere. She was 45 when she passed. And just like that 125 pounds turned into 87. I remember her telling me she never realized how big her ears were, or that cheek bones were so ugly. Once her face was vacuumed up those bones took over her face; she was unrecognizable <\3 My heart breaks reading this blog. It’s so sad. It’s not fair. I remember praying and telling God, JUST TAKE HER ALREADY THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME!!!! You’re not selfish for wanting him around, Christy. I was selfish for wanting her gone. But I didn’t mean it. For that moment, I was just so extremely overwhelmed with little support in another state that wasn’t either of our homes. I thought she would beat this thing. I thought okay Debbie from Debbie’s Dream made it 10 years... Maybe just maybe we will beat this because technology’s always advancing. Science will be in our favor. Who was I kidding :’( her health declined too quickly.. hope was slipping away. The little voice telling me things would be okay, suddenly disappeared on me. I’m glad you get closure. You’re just waiting for the day. I feel bad that I made my mom fight as hard as she could until the end. I was in denial that she would die. She knew. And she didn’t get that “I’m dying, let’s all bond togetherness”. We didn’t get to have the conversations of how she’d want her ceremony.. nothing, because I never dared to ask. :’( When you said after the 5 minutes of “there was no cancer” and then.. back to vomiting, how awful. I remember this so vividly. I’m crying because stomach cancer is one hell of a beast. I hear from time to time of people beating other kinds of cancers and I just sit and wonder sometimes WHY does stomach cancer have to exist and WHY is it so vicious?! Why couldn’t my mom get another kind of cancer?? I still don’t have closure. Things happened too fast for us. To the point where my mom could no longer talk <\3. I hope I am not overwhelming you. Reading this post just gave me all the feels. I didn’t even mean to type as much as I did. The words just rolled out. I miss my mom. I know you’ll miss your Tony. I can’t imagine losing my husband. He’s everything and more. I feel safety and sanity with him. When I went through all of this, he was there. Along with my 3 year old. Without them I’d be lost. So lost. I left my family for 4 months to care for my mom. And so I know this journey well. I want you to know that Tony will leave this earth with your LOVE stamped on his soul forever. You did everything and anything. You are such an advocate. I tried everything when conventional medicine didn’t help. I tried natural/holistic but I didn’t voice her story and demand awareness. For that, I admire you. You’re so strong and fierce & I wish every spouse has someone like you, ready to fight for them when things get unexplainable tough. I used to come onto the warriors group after my mom passed to pray and see how Tony is doing. He was my hope that stomach cancer can be beat. I’m not saying I’m disappointed, I’m saying I’m broken all over again. It’s crazy how people I don’t know — I feel like I KNOW! Thank you for sharing your journey. It makes a difference in ways you can’t imagine. Hang in there :’(
ReplyDeleteMy heart is broken. I think about the fun times we shared in Bald and the time at Tony Williams and Phil's going away at Victory Base. Tony, we love you and the family. You all are in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with both of you and your children as you go through this very difficult time. God bless all of you
ReplyDeleteSending prayers for strength. I LOVE YA'LL. XOXO
ReplyDelete