I often asked myself, why him? Why us? What did we do? Why can't it attack murderers, and rapist? Truth is...I don't have time to ask questions...only time to act. For cancer is not for the weak, it's for the strong...and the strong will SURVIVE!!!

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Watching Him Fade...Piece by Peace

Two short hours after I shared I wasn't ready to say good bye, I received a phone call from one of our amazing hospice nurses, Brooke.  She wanted to help Tony and I renew our vows.  I couldn't believe it.  She said, Friday at 10:00!!  Pastor Dennis would be officiating.  I texted my mom and a few close friends.  I pulled out 7 suits for Tony, all were too big.  His 2 best friends came and helped him get dressed, my mom pinned on his boutonniere, all while I was upstairs getting dressed.  Years before I had bought I white dress from Ross for about $20 that hung in my closet for the perfect moment.  Friday was that moment.  Brooke's mom did my hair, and just like 11 1/2 years before my baby sister was right there.  She wiped my tears and led the way down the stairs.  I can tell you, I didn't notice another person in the room except Tony with our 2 youngest by his side.  It  the older 3 stood next to Tony at our first wedding...having Aydin and Ashton next to him this time, completed everything.  When I saw Tony, my heart broke.  Instead of being filled with happiness, I felt dejected.  We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together.  Grow old together.  Then when Pastor Dennis started speaking, I looked into Tony's eyes, he whispered, "I love you,"  and I the same.  Nothing else mattered at that point...just us loving one another and reminding each other of that.  When we kissed, I felt like it would be the last time...and you know what, it was okay.  We were complete.  All the hard conversations were over, we renewed our vows, we even smashed cake in each other's faces.  My love could've met our Lord and Savior right then and it would've been okay.  I will have the PRIVILEGE and HONOR to have been married to my Tony for the rest of HIS life.

We thought he had days...but those days have again turned into a week, and now weeks.  After we renewed our vows, my love started fading even more...just when I thought he couldn't lose more weight he did.  Just when I thought he couldn't sleep more, he has.  And just when I thought I was ready for him to stop suffering...I wasn't.  There is a selfish side to all of this that I don't like to admit.  I don't want him to go.

Last night after I helped Tony back from the bathroom, he fell into the bed, he didn't have the strength to move really, so I curled up with him as is.  He had the strength to scratch my back, he had the strength to say I love you...and at that moment in time, I no longer was ok with him to leave.  The world stood still at that moment in time.  At that moment, there was no cancer, I felt no bones, and we were back to our happy lives.

Then reality struck 5 minutes later.  He had to sit up quickly.  He felt sick.  The vomiting started.  His eyes turning black with lack of oxygen.  His weakness was apparent.  I was so helpless.  "My O2 baby," he gasped.  At that moment I remembered how it wasn't fair for him.  Its not fair for him to keep holding on...for me, for the kids.  He's suffering.

This morning as I was laying in his arms, him holding my hand across his belly he felt my tears on his shoulder.  "Don't cry baby."  He whispered.  "Its going to be ok."  He's never said that before.  He always said, "I'll be ok."  Never, It... "I can't do it without you."  "Yes you can, baby.  You're a strong woman." He responded.  My heart was physically breaking and hurting.  I don't want to live without him.  But its just not fair to him.

Tony's ulcer has gotten worse.  Its opening now and his skin is just dying.  Tony's not scared, we've checked all the boxes.  Every day is a gift.  Though he's breaking down piece by piece, HE, my love, my Tony, is finally at PEACE with life, with the final chapter.  He continues to be strong for all of us.  Our journey isn't over, but every morning he is able to say "I love you," is truly a blessing.




ABC11 Covered Renewal of Vows Click Here

6 comments:

  1. As I read this tears stream down my face! I understand your pain and I pray that God will wrap you in his arms as Tony prepares to watch over you! As we all love our love ones God moves them more! You got this! I look up to you!

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  2. Wow. You are the definition of strong. When you said you helped him out of the bathroom. I remembered when we’d help my mom walk everywhere. She was 45 when she passed. And just like that 125 pounds turned into 87. I remember her telling me she never realized how big her ears were, or that cheek bones were so ugly. Once her face was vacuumed up those bones took over her face; she was unrecognizable <\3 My heart breaks reading this blog. It’s so sad. It’s not fair. I remember praying and telling God, JUST TAKE HER ALREADY THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME!!!! You’re not selfish for wanting him around, Christy. I was selfish for wanting her gone. But I didn’t mean it. For that moment, I was just so extremely overwhelmed with little support in another state that wasn’t either of our homes. I thought she would beat this thing. I thought okay Debbie from Debbie’s Dream made it 10 years... Maybe just maybe we will beat this because technology’s always advancing. Science will be in our favor. Who was I kidding :’( her health declined too quickly.. hope was slipping away. The little voice telling me things would be okay, suddenly disappeared on me. I’m glad you get closure. You’re just waiting for the day. I feel bad that I made my mom fight as hard as she could until the end. I was in denial that she would die. She knew. And she didn’t get that “I’m dying, let’s all bond togetherness”. We didn’t get to have the conversations of how she’d want her ceremony.. nothing, because I never dared to ask. :’( When you said after the 5 minutes of “there was no cancer” and then.. back to vomiting, how awful. I remember this so vividly. I’m crying because stomach cancer is one hell of a beast. I hear from time to time of people beating other kinds of cancers and I just sit and wonder sometimes WHY does stomach cancer have to exist and WHY is it so vicious?! Why couldn’t my mom get another kind of cancer?? I still don’t have closure. Things happened too fast for us. To the point where my mom could no longer talk <\3. I hope I am not overwhelming you. Reading this post just gave me all the feels. I didn’t even mean to type as much as I did. The words just rolled out. I miss my mom. I know you’ll miss your Tony. I can’t imagine losing my husband. He’s everything and more. I feel safety and sanity with him. When I went through all of this, he was there. Along with my 3 year old. Without them I’d be lost. So lost. I left my family for 4 months to care for my mom. And so I know this journey well. I want you to know that Tony will leave this earth with your LOVE stamped on his soul forever. You did everything and anything. You are such an advocate. I tried everything when conventional medicine didn’t help. I tried natural/holistic but I didn’t voice her story and demand awareness. For that, I admire you. You’re so strong and fierce & I wish every spouse has someone like you, ready to fight for them when things get unexplainable tough. I used to come onto the warriors group after my mom passed to pray and see how Tony is doing. He was my hope that stomach cancer can be beat. I’m not saying I’m disappointed, I’m saying I’m broken all over again. It’s crazy how people I don’t know — I feel like I KNOW! Thank you for sharing your journey. It makes a difference in ways you can’t imagine. Hang in there :’(

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  3. My heart is broken. I think about the fun times we shared in Bald and the time at Tony Williams and Phil's going away at Victory Base. Tony, we love you and the family. You all are in our prayers.

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  4. My prayers are with both of you and your children as you go through this very difficult time. God bless all of you

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  5. Sending prayers for strength. I LOVE YA'LL. XOXO

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