I'm Cooking As Fast As I Can Dial

OK Its Friday night.  I had a long week at work.  It happens.  It was nice actually.  No trips to Duke, no scans, just a normal work week.  What the heck is that like?  It means its Friday night and I'm cooking as fast as I can dial cause I sure as heck don't feel like pulling out the pots and pans.  Do you have ANY IDEA how good it felt to order pizza and pasta and not have a reason other than I felt like it.  It was like a sigh of relief.  There doesn't always have to be a CANCER reason, sometimes it can be a NORMAL reason.  Like happy hour at 5 will still go on whether chemo is going on or not.  Actually, I think my brother ordered pizza and had it delivered during his chemo come to think of it.

I called Alec and wined...whatchya doing?  You fly I'll buy.  Too bad he was playing basketball...so we decided on delivery.  Not much to order for take out this way that delivers...the joys of being in the country.  So Pizza Hut it was.  Tony actually came to the table tonight.  He's so frail, but all the matters to me is that we still have our family dinners.  Sometimes family dinners are in the bedroom and that's ok too.

The rules can change at the drop of a hat and THAT IS OK!!!  Sometimes the laundry piles up, and sometimes I order take out.  Cancer or not, don't we ALL feel that way sometimes?

I'm cooking as fast as I can dial, has to be my favorite post it note.  My sister Kathleen would agree.  Sometimes life just happens so fast we have to take short cuts.  I don't know who ever invented the word short cut, its called making life easier and who said it EVER had to be hard.  Its really what we make it to be.  And rules?  What rules?  That's all up for discussion.

Maybe I should come off my soap box now and laugh, smile, and say, you know what??  Today was a GREAT DAY!!!  TGIF  Today I will smile and feel GREAT about it!!

One Minute Its in His Liver....The next its Not???

There is nothing worse than getting a scan and reading the report and seeing one word...METISTATIC.  It always makes your heart drop, eyes fill up with tears, and puts a lump in your throat where you feel like if you swallow your saliva you might just throw it up because it won't go down.

Tuesday afternoon was just that.  The radiology report we received suggested Tony had metistatic disease in his liver.  This meant only 5 weeks post op Tony's cancer wsa spreading.  I didn't even know how to react.  My emotions put me in a depression I had never felt.  I couldn't believe this was actually happening.

Sitting the boys down was the hardest part.  Aydin asked me if Daddy's cancer was back when he saw me crying in the car on the way to therapy.  All I kept thinking was, will he even make it to Christmas?  I didn't know how the hell I was supposed to stay strong.  Then of course I shared the news with the other boys and their tears broke me.

I emailed Tony's surgeon immediatly.

"TONY'S CANCER IS SPREADING" I put in the subject line.

Dr. Pappas emailed me back right away requesting the CD.  I already had it sent via overnight so Duke could take a look at it.

Wednesday afternoon my phone rang.  Duke Radiology had already read the report.  THEY DISAGREED WITH THE REPORT!!!  They said NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE at the liver!!! :)

Aparently the blood was flowing funky which can appear to be tumor like in appearance.  Now the question is who do I beleive?

Friday couldn't come fast enough.  We met with Tony's new oncologist and she too agree with Duke's report after she reviewed the scan.

"We will run some tests on your tumor to determine whether we start you on immunotherapy or chemotherapy.  In the mean time, Tony has to get his strength back."  We have 6 weeks to get him strong.  We don't need any more delays in treatment.

While this is great news and a sigh of relif, its hard to not have some anxiety about cancer floating around in his body with no course of treatment keeping it at bay.  But then again, its about quality of life as well.  We get to enjoy the next 6 weeks!!!  HELLO SUMMER!!!!

The Balance of Cargiving / Mom / Wife

Our first week home from Duke was exhausting.  Mother's Day was a day of cleaning and spending time with the little ones who missed us dearly.  I promised them we would be there for baseball games this week and the big Championship football game that Saturday.  FINALLY we were home.  This means I have to do the packing, the lovinox shots, remind Tony to eat, take his meds, and when the alarm went off at 6 it wasn't because the doctors were making rounds, it was because the boys had to get up for school and the 8am alarm meant back to work.  There was no Starbucks to make my coffee, it was back to the grind.  I was back to my new normal...whatever that is.

The nurse came Monday and packed Tony's wound for me.  She assured me she would be there 3 days a week and I could call her ANYTIME.  By the second visit we were getting concerned that Tony's wound was not healing but getting bigger.  Staples were popping off.  Is this normal?  As I snap a photo from my phone and email it to his surgeon.  Keep packing  and watch it they say.  By the third visit, day Tony's wound looked HORRIBLE.  It was bigger, deeper, and you could see his internal stitches.  The term DEHISCING was used.  Whatever the heck that is.  Is that even a word? I asked...apparently it is.  HAHAHA In other words, Tony was overdoing it because for the first time in YEARS his deep pain had started going away and he wasn't nauseous.  :)  Well God has a sense of humor...he forced Tony to lay on his butt and get back in the bed.

We snapped another photo of the incision and immediately got a phone call from Duke.  It was Friday, Tony was being directly admitted back into the hospital that day and needed to be there in the next couple of hours.  I asked Alec to go check the little ones out of school.  They were so excited to walk in the door at 130 instead of 330.  Big hugs and kisses.

"Boys sit down." I said
"What is it mommy?" Aydin asked.
"Daddy and I have to back to Duke."
"WHY?!?!  FOR HOW LONG???" Aydin shouts with tears in his eyes.

His anger has been only getting worse when it comes to cancer and his dad's illness.  I don't have the physical strength to even hold him anymore.  This big 9 year old football player doesn't have any idea how to control his emotions and as his mom I have NO CLUE how to help him.  Then the baby.  He just puts his head down and jumps in my lap and says, "Mommy, who is going to take care of me?"
"Boys I think its just for a few days.  Daddy's boo boo isn't getting better so they need to get it checked out so he doesn't get sick."  I told them it would be OK and I would call them in the morning.

I called my mom and said GUESS WHAT MOM!!!  Tony and I get the weekend to ourselves, no kids, and out of town to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary.  Yep, back to Duke we go.  I told her that Alec had the boys and Angie was on stand by...and of course I too would keep her posted.

"MOM!!! MY GAME!!!  YOUR GONNA MISS MY GAME!!!"  It was the county championship and I would have to get updates from facebook.

I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF MISSING BIG EVENTS!!!  And now my kids are too.

When the team at Duke heard about our anniversary they got us the big room and a big piece of chocolate cake to celebrate. Its the little things that make this journey a little of easier.  Luckily Tony only needed a wound vac and not another surgery.  I went down to the gift shop and got Tony a little anniversary something and a card.  I insisted on celebrating one way or another.


The next day I got the updates on how great the team did.  Not one mistake was made and Aydin had some great hits.  Everyone on the team snapshotted photos of Aydin with the trophy and sent them to me.  I thought it would make me happy, instead I cried.  Another nail in the coffin of missed events that CANCER takes away from me.

Sometimes I feel like I have to chose.  Why should I have to chose between my boys and my husband.  If I am supporting Tony, I feel like I'm neglecting my sons.  If I'm supporting my sons, I'm neglecting my husband.  What they don't all realize, I'm there...I'm everywhere...I'm in everything they do and though they may not see it or can touch it, I PROMISE I'm supporting all of them.  I just wish they knew how much I love all of them and at the same time how much they are ripping me apart.  Sometimes I feel like I want to smother my warrior with a pillow, then mad at him for not disciplining the kids for me, and then frustrated cause I just miss my husband that held me and told me it would be OK.  His arms around me holding me tight.  Now i have to share those arms with the boys who just want the strength of their father.  Its all a balance.  Its a challenge.  But at the end of the day (Monday) when we came home from Duke, the boys tackled us with hugs and kisses, the older boys hugged us with relief, and my husband kissed me good night in our own bed.  As I locked the doors that night, I looked around the quiet peaceful house and thought to myself...I sure wouldn't trade this for the world...that was my balance.  It wobbles, but at the end of the day it all levels out.