Waiting Is The Hardest Part

I'm sitting here waiting.  Waiting because the next 24 hours will tell me what our fate is.  Tony was admitted back into the hospital yesterday.  I don't want to go into detail because part of this journey is keeping as much dignity for your loved one in tact. With that said, I went downstairs to get our coffee this morning, and on the way back they were taking him down for his MRI.  The 2 hr long MRI that would tell us if Tony's cancer has spread to his spine.  The symptoms are there, but we just don't know.  Tony has diffused cancer, and it doesn't like to show up on scans.  But something isn't right and we all know it.

Tony's malnutrition labs are right back to where they were a couple of months ago.  My heart is breaking for him.  Hell, my heart is breaking for me.  I don't want to be selfish but it hurts.  I haven't been able to stop crying since I got into it with God yesterday...I yelled at him. I told him I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!!!  I DIDN'T WANT THIS LIFE!!!  WHAT DID I DO TO YOU???  Then I called him an SOB.  I know, I'm not supposed to go there, but damnit...my gut has been in knots and my chest hurts and until they tell me different, I know there is something wrong.

So back to the room I went...alone...watching the second hand tick on the clock.  Looking at my phone to see if there was a text message or 2 not about Tony that could help me keep my mind off things.  Wanting to cry with someone, but instead, I do what I always do.  Focus on other things...like our golf tournament this weekend, the boys school, work....but honestly, I can't help but stare at the door and hope someone walks through with the verdict...as I type this the man in the white coat is standing outside the door....

My heart is racing, beating super fast.  Come out with it already.  They doc and PA are standing there and tell me his brain looked fine.  We got the all clear.  But his spine results weren't back yet.  What could be causing all these issues Tony is having?  What is the answer going to be, good, bad, indifferent?  Not wanting the cancer, but wanting an answer so we can treat/fix it.

If the cancer is in his spine, then the journey is coming to an end.  If its not, then what do we do so he won't starve to death?  Someone please guide me?  I don't' know what the right now.  

I made the mistake at yelling at God.  But I know he knows I didn't really mean it.  I'm just wanting answers.  Answers that will fix him.  I ask him what's wrong, and he just shakes his head.  He's so tired.  I am too.  I am straight exhausted.  But I can't give up...not today, not ever!!!!

Losing Faith...

Once upon a time there was a little girl who always had to have the closet light on when she went to sleep.  She was afraid of her closet when it was dark.  The door needed to be cracked just a bit so the light would act as a night light.  See the monsters don't come out in the light, they only come out in the dark.  They come out when no one is looking, when no one is watching, when our guard is down.

As the little girl got older she knew she could take on any monsters in her closet and learned to trust her gut, her strength, and face those monsters head on if they should ever appear.  The now not so young girl learned to sleep in the dark soundly, peacefully, and without fear.

Just then, when she least expect it, the monsters would bang on the closet door and try to come out and scare her, but the now woman would simply take a deep breath, and turn on the light.  For the light of the angles always protected her.  See there were no monsters, just fear...but our fears always come out when we keep the light of God off.  Her strength was so powerful, she forgot that God had given it to her.

And that my friends is where I am today.  I am struggling today.  I am struggling with trusting that light.  Every night before bed, I turn off the lights, and I don't pray any more.  I ask others to pray for me...cause I'm afraid if I pray, my prayers will be questions.  My ask will scare me, and His will, yeah well I'm afraid of that too.

I REFUSE to ask God why...because EVERY DAY, my love wakes up, sips on his coffee, and makes plans to go out EVERY DAY.  NO MATTER HOW TIRED.  Even if its a trip down the street to  Dollar General with the boys; Tony will find a way to make each and every day count.  So who am I?  Who am I to deny my love that memory or moment with his children?  Prime example, last Saturday Tony decided to take the boys hunting.  Now I can't get those two knuckleheads up on a school  morning at 6am, but come Saturday morning at 430am they were up and dressed and waking us up to go hunting. Now I was maaaad.  I knew darn well it was too cold and Tony didn't need to climb up a deer stand because I was so afraid he was going to fall.  Then a friend reminded me...Christy, even if its for 5 minutes, don't take that memory away from him or the boys...and he was right.

See lately, I've been living in fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I've been living like that for a long time.  The light...has been off.  See sometimes I get mad at God.  But that only means that I know he's there right?  I mean, I'm sure I've made him mad a few times.  I don't understand his plan or his reasons...and then I get a text message about how Tony offers HOPE.  Or today during his CT scan, a man said, see, he's a walking miracle and a testament to what OUR GOD can do.  And that my friends is why I'm afraid to pray...because I want him healed...and I'm afraid that in order to heal him, I'll have to let him go...and I'm not ready.  My boys aren't ready.  WE #TEAMTONY are NOT ready.

You see, Tony's birthday is coming up.  Our 5th annual Stomach Cancer golf tournament and charity dinner is coming up.  Our warrior is CELEBRATING LIFE with another birthday!!  Come join us, join him.  Every birthday for him is a miracle.

Tony had his CT scan today, and now we have more tests.  We have MRIs next week.  Tony's had some funky things going on with him lately and well, his body may say one thing, but his MIND says something completely different.  And I as his wife will continue to stand by and fight and advocate and care for him as long as he allows me too.  Our warrior is getting thin, our warrior may be tired, but our warrior is going to fight until its time, to join that protecting light.