I'm sitting here waiting. Waiting because the next 24 hours will tell me what our fate is. Tony was admitted back into the hospital yesterday. I don't want to go into detail because part of this journey is keeping as much dignity for your loved one in tact. With that said, I went downstairs to get our coffee this morning, and on the way back they were taking him down for his MRI. The 2 hr long MRI that would tell us if Tony's cancer has spread to his spine. The symptoms are there, but we just don't know. Tony has diffused cancer, and it doesn't like to show up on scans. But something isn't right and we all know it.
Tony's malnutrition labs are right back to where they were a couple of months ago. My heart is breaking for him. Hell, my heart is breaking for me. I don't want to be selfish but it hurts. I haven't been able to stop crying since I got into it with God yesterday...I yelled at him. I told him I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!!! I DIDN'T WANT THIS LIFE!!! WHAT DID I DO TO YOU??? Then I called him an SOB. I know, I'm not supposed to go there, but damnit...my gut has been in knots and my chest hurts and until they tell me different, I know there is something wrong.
So back to the room I went...alone...watching the second hand tick on the clock. Looking at my phone to see if there was a text message or 2 not about Tony that could help me keep my mind off things. Wanting to cry with someone, but instead, I do what I always do. Focus on other things...like our golf tournament this weekend, the boys school, work....but honestly, I can't help but stare at the door and hope someone walks through with the verdict...as I type this the man in the white coat is standing outside the door....
My heart is racing, beating super fast. Come out with it already. They doc and PA are standing there and tell me his brain looked fine. We got the all clear. But his spine results weren't back yet. What could be causing all these issues Tony is having? What is the answer going to be, good, bad, indifferent? Not wanting the cancer, but wanting an answer so we can treat/fix it.
If the cancer is in his spine, then the journey is coming to an end. If its not, then what do we do so he won't starve to death? Someone please guide me? I don't' know what the right now.
I made the mistake at yelling at God. But I know he knows I didn't really mean it. I'm just wanting answers. Answers that will fix him. I ask him what's wrong, and he just shakes his head. He's so tired. I am too. I am straight exhausted. But I can't give up...not today, not ever!!!!
Feeding tube. My son did not want it but it kept him nourished. I’m sorry you are on the worst journey of your life and I know too well how it all feels. No one deserves this, no one and I’m still on the outs with God. You and Tony are in my thoughts a lot, because he deserves a long life with his wife and boys. I wish I could hug you just to give you comfort, a virtual hug is sent to you. I am rooting for Tony every day. Try and shut your eyes for a minute and let Happy thoughts sink in for a minute . I know easier said than done. Death to Cancer Love the World and the People in it. �� Margaret Cammarata
ReplyDeleteXoxoxox thank you
DeleteI am so sorry prayers going up for Tony and for you.
ReplyDeleteChristy,
ReplyDeleteThrough your writing, you put grace and dignity into a long fought, family battle against a disease that allows for neither - your words are always beautiful, meaningful, and written from a heartfelt place amidst a raw, scary, heartbreaking scenario. The love for and support you provide your family is so profoundly apparent in throughout your blog. My caretaker heart is feeling with you all that you so put so honestly into words.
I’m trying this again as I’m not sure my first response went through. I would highly recommend tpn. I fought it but I was unable to eat enough after this last surgery to maintain my weight not good at all. Now after a few weeks I’ve gsoned 5 lbs and my nutrition is spot on and I’m feeling so much stronger. I’m still able to eat food when I can get it down but I know I have the tpn to keep me healthy.. we do it at night while I’m sleeping so it’s not so invasive to my day. my husband is able to hook me up and remove it and he’s by no means a nurse. Please reach out with any questions.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are over you and your family tonight. God is big enough to take the screams. They are heard. We are with you in prayers. May the Grace and a tangible sense of the peace of a God be with you I the middle of the worst storms.
ReplyDelete-Steve Dang
🙏❤🙏 I cant think of anything good to say, except prayer, love, prayers and hugs
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