...And Now We Wait...Heavy Heart and Tears

Today was a long day.  Not only were we of course running late due to traffic on 95 and 40, today was scan day.  Scans that were supposed to be May 21, were now May 7...today.  Tony hasn't really been getting chemo cause he hasn't been well enough.  Between high white blood cell counts, infections, and more, our dear warrior hasn't received but 1 dose of 1 of his 2 chemo drugs in the past 6 weeks.

In March his CT showed a possible infection in his lungs.  Antibiotics were prescribed however Tony was still coughing in his sleep and running low grade fevers.  Nothing seemed to get him better, but he really wasn't any worse either.  His mental state has been kinda blah.  The doctors and I tossed that up to he's still grieving.  I mean shoot, who wouldn't be right?

My stomach had been in knots all day but more importantly since the end of January when the pneumonia and other junk in his lungs started.  Chest XRAY last week didn't tell us much except that he didn't have pneumonia...it was something else...but what exactly.

CT scan today showed the spot on his lung from march that was thought to be an"infection" was now more solid and had doubled in size.  Unclear metastasis the CT says.  Can't confirm or deny.  The question?  Does it matter when it comes to a Stage IV patient and course of treatment?  Honestly, not really.  Either watch it and see how he does over the next couple of months, biopsy it and move on to the third line harsher chemo that he STILL has to save his strength up for, or what?  WHAT is the plan?  Why don't you have the answer?  But honestly we don't know until we consult with the pulmonary team.

Tony's cancer is nearly impossible to detect on scans but dear God in Heaven we have to know something.  Nevertheless, there was no reason for Tony to continue his current emo over the next few weeks....especially if its not working.  Tony needs time to heal and regain his strength.

The Family - The older boys know and we have decided to wait until AFTER Austin's graduation to rescan and test to see what that spot is doing.  The younger boys are just excited that daddy gets a break in chemo and going to Duke.

Me?  I'm a damn mess, but I have to stay strong when truly y'all I just want to cry and crawl into bed and cuddle up with Tony and forget about the world.  Our 11th year wedding anniversary is coming up...I think I'll just lay in bed with hubby all day.  I just don't think any of this is fair and my family really could use a break right now.

Tony?  He's been awfully quiet.  He doesn't really like to know what's going with his body or what's wrong and but just how we can fix it.  He's not thrilled about the break in chemo cause of what we have seen in the past.  he's still grieving the loss of his parents while fighting for his life.  I can't even imagine yall, I can't.  All I know to do is love him through it.

thank you all for your continued support, love, and prayers.  Its going to be a long 6 weeks.

Cancer Is Tearing My Family Apart

Weddings, funerals, graduations, birthdays...these things bring us together.  We share memories, laughter, candles, cake...we celebrate a milestone.  Yes at death, many people celebrate so don't be all shocked because I included funeral in here...if you dress up, its a special occasion.  But who dresses up when you go to the oncologist, or the hospital for chemo?  Who picks out their favorite outfit to sit their kids or parent down to say, I have cancer?  Not ONE SINGLE PERSON.  and if you do, you are lying!!  cause I don't know one person that wears their Sunday best to an 8 hour poking and prodding chemo session.  When was the last time you were in a chemo ward ladies and gentleman?  Its not full of cheer or song...trust me.  The videos on youtube are one in a gazillion. 

When I sat down and told my kids that Tony's cancer was back, one latched on to me, one latched on to Tony, one ran upstairs, one put his hands in his face, and the oldest wasn't there...but found out somehow and called me upset.  5 different reactions all from the same news.  There were no celebrations, memories, laughter, or milestones, it was fear, anger, sadness, defeat. After a 5 year cancer free anniversary, WE all had to go through it...again.  

The #TEAMTONY page was created, the FoodTrain was started, T-Shirt orders and donations came pouring in.  All greatly appreciated and needed, cause Lord knows gas isn't cheap and neither are medical bills.  The support we received in the beginning was nothing short of amazing.  We put on this good front...but what was happening behind closed doors, was the complete opposite.  Cancer was tearing my family apart.  One was getting angry.  In his eyes, Tony could do NO wrong and I  was always the bad guy.  The nest one now understanding that daddy would have cancer forever broke his heart.  His life RUINED because his daddy can't do with him that his older brothers got to enjoy.  Another child, grades suffering because his FAMILY was put first.  What we needed was his priority.  Making sacrifices for his FAMILY was most important...not school.  Another son, emotionally not being able to watch Tony battle it again, so he runs.  Feeling lost, and like no one understands what he is going through, and feeling alone...because truly, deep down, he doesn't want to disappoint his dad and he feels like he's done just that.  Finally the last one, not knowing where he fits, where he can help, is he even accepted.  These feelings they all have when NO ONE...NO ONE understands.  Not me, not Tony, not their friends.  Instead of them leaning on each other, they resent it.

....And then, there's Tony.  Tony doesn't care.  He just wants his children to spend time with him, and help him.  But he can't get that from everyone.  And he gets angry.  He wants so much to teach them how to do things...oh and when the boys say, you would think he would feel this or would say that...YOU SON, don't know what he is feeling so HOW DARE you mention that.  Or people on the outside say, Tony needs to do this or do that...What he NEEDS to do is fight for his life.  

Finally, there is me.  How is this girl keeping it all together?  Coffee, writing, deep breaths, and boundaries.  I scream and ask for help.  Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't.  I don't risk my blessings by wishing negative on anyone.  Unfortunately this journey has taught me to remove the filter over my mouth and say how I really feel...good and bad.  And I've also learned that sometimes your best support comes from the strangers that send you an email to say they are praying for you.  Or the boss who says, take the rest of the day off and do what you need to do.  Or the friend that cheers on your son at field day cause you can't be there and gives them a Capri Sun saying, its from your mom.  Its the lady you met on the train who calls you out of the blue to say, something told me to call you today, or the best friends who have karaoke insulation night at 1am just to see you smile, or the girl friend who shows up with pizza so you don't have to cook.  

But the truth is yall.  My family is hurting.  MY HUSBAND is in pain and has anger in his heart that I don't have the strength or power to remove.  He is hurt.  He doesn't feel like the man he used to be, and lets face it, none of us allow him to be out of fear.  It doesn't help that Nov 1, 2009 he lost his brother, Oct 27, 2017 he lost his daddy, and 5 months later, Apr 4, 2018, we talked his mom to heaven.  Tony has OUT LIVED every member of his immediate family all while BEATING one of the deadliest cancers.  God has a message for him.  A message of hope and faith.  However, he feels all alone.  We have to all pray for him that he finds it.

We are a family that I have worked hard to blend, but cancer is breaking us.  And at the end of the day, Tony isn't the one that is going to have to live with regret, or pain, or guilt when he gains his wings, its us.  Its his child that didn't pick up the phone to call, his friend that never came to see him, or the stranger that judged him.

When someone gets ill or dies, everyone is there in the beginning...but its those that stay along for the journey that mean the most.  I encourage everyone who reads this today.  Do something nice for a family that is having a hard time.  Mow their grass and don't ask, just do it.  Offer to do laundry, take the kids for the weekend or the afternoon.  Bring them a meal, its doesn't have to be fancy.  Offer your elbow grease, or show up with a bottle of wine (fre wine for me).  Just be there for one another, and don't expect ANYTHING in return.

I Lost Him When He Got Cancer

I started grieving the day Tony was diagnosed with cancer.  I started the journey and didn't even realize it.  The day we heard cancer, I started no longer seeing myself growing old with him.  I didn't plan a funeral, I didn't pick out a suit, I slowly watched the man I fell so deeply in love with...change.  Things that used to be funny, weren't funny.  Things that were important to us, suddenly weren't.  And the people that we both swore would be there for us, just disappeared.  See cancer just didn't take away the man I fell in love with, it tested my vows, it tested friendships, it tested my faith, and showed me how to fall even deeper in love with him.

Its easy to get so frustrated and angry.  Why are you buying sports stuff Tony?  Really ANOTHER WATCH?  When the hell did you get into guns?  How are you too sick for this, but not too sick for that?  That is the grief.  The reason I find myself so upset and angry with Tony sometimes is because I lost the man I fell in love with. You see, the man I fell in love with didn't buy stupid stuff, he didn't collect guns, and he was so energetic he never missed a single ball practice.  The man I fell in love with hardly took Tylenol and now has narcotics to kill a heard of cows.  The tiniest light at night drove him nuts, and now all lights and TV's must be on.  He never slept walked, he never got upset, he always smiled, and always took me out. 

Cancer introduced me to a whole new man.  A man that has more strength than a man who can bench 700 lbs.  A man that reminds me that dates and going out are special and not expected.  A man with passion that has to still smile, when all he wants to do is cry and ask, "why me?"  I see a man that fought a battle harder than any solider in a war because lets face it, there is no RnR, and there is no heroic return home.  Instead its, do I get to live to see another day doc?  I fell in love with a new man that stole my heart faster than he did before.

For 10 years, I have stood by and seen Tony bury a brother, a brother in law, his daddy, fight to keep his family together, fight cancer, and now watch his mother slowly die of a broken heart...all while CONTINUING to be a good father, a loving husband, and a supportive son.  Now I'm sorry, if that isn't good enough for some people...but I am so grateful I lost the man I fell in love with and now have this AMAZING man changed by cancer.  Tony is EXCEPTIONAL

Cancer changed me too.  It has taught me organization skills where I can run 10 countries single handily.  I've learned how to ask for help, I've learned who I can count on, and how to set up boundaries.  I've learned patience, and wisdom, caring and being kind.  I've learned what unconditional love is.  I've learned how to love him through it.  I've learned about LIVING.

We as spouses get it.  When we say its been a long journey, but I didn't lose them when they died, I lost them when they were diagnosed...very few truly understand what it means.  But the other side of the coin is, we also fell in love all over again...with someone new.  Someone that was stronger than our first love.  Our warriors learn to be more appreciative, they tend to be more sensitive, and they tend to be more understanding.  Now that's on a good day, cause on the bad days, lord we are grieving that first love and miss them oh so much.  That's why we are sad and angry...cause we are grieving life before cancer...and that's ok, cause our warriors do it too.

It hurts.  It sucks, its painful.  I'm tired, I don't know how I do it, so please don't ask.  I don't have a choice, and neither does Tony.  There is no alternative for us.  Instead, please just come over and help, be a friend.  I am so tired, I don't know which way is up or down.  I can't thank our friends enough who are there and we love you dearly.   Tonight though, I'm grieving my old life.  I'm stressed today.  I'm tired of crying today.  Today...was a hard day for me.

So tonight before you all go to bed, look at the person you love.  Embrace them, love them, tell them how much you care about them.  Cause there are lots of spouses out their grieving a loss.  That can't have those conversations anymore.  That just want to be loved how they once were.  There is a father who just wants his sons to love him regardless.  I pray that our boys SEE that Tony is LIVING by example of getting up and fighting every day...for THEM.  I pray that my younger boys continue to see their daddy as a hero.  I pray for peace  for his mother.  Finally, I pray for those that judge.  Those that judge my family and are causing us pain.  I thank those who are there for us bringing us joy, and meals, and company...always. 

Tony's Wish Granted - UNC TARHEELS - BUCKET LIST COMPLETE

Its not everyday that any of us can have dreams come true, but I for one was not going to let Tony's bucket list not get fulfilled.  Thanks to the Fill Your Bucket List Foundation, Tony was able to attend a UNC vs Duke basketball game.  It was truly a night to remember.  Not of course without the fussing and fighting of the two little ones, getting late to the stadium, or me getting pulled into a last minute conference call to make it truly a Leonard night to remember.  But...we made it.  We got to the hotel and it was BEAUTIFULLY decorated wtih UNC Tarheel gear and 2 signed basket balls.  One from Eric Montross and the other from none other than Roy Williams, head coach of UNC Basketball.  I had NEVER seen Tony smile so big.  :)  Ok maybe on our wedding day *WINK* but seriously, in such a long time.

We got to dinner and rushed to the arena where we met Eric Montross.  His hands were HUGE!!  He signed Tony's UNC hat and met all the boys and shook their hands.  Everyone was so kind and helpful.  Tony enjoyed every bit of the game.  TRULY.

WE WERE EVEN ON THE NEWS!!!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOqgUxIrfg0

I think what scares me, is that was the last thing on Tony's bucket list.  Everything he ever wanted to do...was done.  I told him, he needs to put some more stuff in there because we aren't done yet...so what does the man tell me?  HAWAII.  He wants to go to Hawaii.  That would've been nice to know before we went on the cruise Mr. Leonard.  So here I am planning yet another crazy vacation in paradise wtih the man i love.  And honestly people, we should do it any way.  Cancer or not.

Tony and I had a big scare in January.  I didn't think he was going to get passed this pneumonia. Hell, I wondered if he even had pneumonia...I feared it was the BIG C invading his lungs masking itself as pneumonia.  At one point he had absolutly NO air moving in his left lung.  His labs were going down and I didn't know what was next.  I asked for all of you to pray.  Pray with all your might...and you did.  6 days later Tony miraculously had clear lungs and a clear CT.

Tony resumed chemo, but then lost 9 lbs in 10 days.  Luckily he gained most of it back from IV fluids and protien shakes.  Right now we are just keeping on keeping on.  Its crazy cause sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but honestly I really need to enjoy every moment I have with Tony.

We are getting ready to head to DC for Debbies Dream Foundation Advocacy Day next week.  Its time to keep stomping those feet.  WE HAVE TO KEEP MAKING NOISE!!!  STOMACH CANCER WILL BE KNOWN LIKE OTHER CANCERS!!!

I Spoke To Soon

Don't you hate it when you jinx yourself?  When you say, thank God its Friday and then your work load causes you to work late?  Or you forget to knock on wood?  Or in my case, you blog about how great things are going only to be woken up 5 hours later to your hubby panting, my chest hurts...

Wednesday morning at 5am, Tony was complaining that his chest hurt.  He kept mumbling over and over and over again, "my chest hurts." So much it woke me up out of a dead sleep.  Well let's face it,  Tonys chest always hurts. Food gets stuck, bile comes up the esophagus, all sorts of things, but this time something was different.  Tony wasn't acting right.  He wasn't answering my questions.  He just said, my chest hurts over and over again.  I put my ear on his chest and his heart was racing.  I took his blood pressure and Tonys heart was beating 143 bpm.  I quickly turned the light on Tonys teeth were chattering and he was white as a ghost.  I took his temperature....it was 102.7.  At that moment I called 911.

The paramedics got there and did all his vitals, I gave them the spreal, and they hooked him up to the heart machine...confirming the rapid heart rate.  They took him straight in.  Aydin saw Tony being taken on the stretcher and started to cry.  Aydin was sleeping on the couch because he had been throwing up the night before.  I heard a small voice ask, "mommy, is daddy going to be ok?" It was Aydin. Of course he is baby.  This time though, Tony really scared me.

When I got to the hospital, they had already done a chest Xray.  The doc came in and told me Tony had pneumonia.  I said, with all due respect ma'am, this hospital is notorious  for telling patients they have pneumonia and then sending them home with antibiotics, when in fact it wasn't pneumonia it was something else.   I explain to heard that he was a cancer patient and that there were some concerning scans regarding his chest about a month ago. She assured me they would do a chest CT and get to the bottom of what was causing him to be so sick.  See not only was Tonys pulse racing, his blood pressure had begun to drop.  It went from 90s/60s to 80s/50s and then 70s/40s. They increased hus fluids to help with his bp.  4 liters in 5 hours!!!!!  He was on oxygen and he was really out of it.

When the chest CT came back, it confirmed the pneumonia, but he had assperation pneumonia.  Tony had been throwing up so much that he was asperating into his lungs.  Because of the cancer and chemo, and now pneumonia and him not being stable with his bp, they admitted him.  I quickly said, we request transfer to Duke...problem, Duke was not only on deferment, they had no beds.  Cape Fear consulted with the oncologist and started 3 different antibiotics.  The infectious disease doctor came in and tested for lots and lots of things...only to learn that Tony had E Coli in his lungs.  Now I don't know about you, but I said, "How in the WORLD do you get E Coli in your lungs???"  Well it comes from the GI track and assperation.  I about fell on to he floor. 

Because Tony was at Cape Fear I was able to go home at night took the boys into bed and get them off to school in the morning. Thursday I left the hospital a little early to go to Austin's football banquet. I video call Tony so that he could see austin get his senior award and also he received the special forces award for special teams. This was a great honor and we are so proud of him. Tony and I've learned over the years that with cancer especially we have to make do and sometimes that means video calls face time whatever you wanna call it so that he can participate in the kid's activities.

Friday  Morning after I got the little ones after school Austin sent me a text telling me that he had thrown up. And went upstairs to check on him felt his forehead and said O boy. I got the thermometer and took his temperature only to find out that he too was running a fever. I didn't hesitate took him to the doctor and had him tested for the flu. He of course tested positive. So now I have Tony coming home from the hospital with E Coli in his lungs and pneumonia, my right hand has the flu, and I'm just thinking, Lord please help me. 

I had a great conversation with Tony's and oncologists coming up with a plan now that there was E Coli and pneumonia in the mix, oh and household flu.   Not only did Duke double the length of an a biopics for Tony to be on they also prescribe him 2 weeks work of tamiflu just in case. Under no circumstances was I to have Austin anywhere near Tony because Tony can not afford to get the flu on top of everything else. Poor Austin has been quarantined in his Room with his laptop making up homework with meds round the clock  lots of Gatorade, and dayquil nyquil.  I have been bleaching and Lysoling the house keeping everyone in their rooms.  Tonys doc also suggested that I take Tamiflu because I was caring for everyone and would be around both Austin and Tony. So apparently we cleaned out the pharmacy with Tamiflu. Hahaha

Needless to say this is all a lot and sometimes I wonder how in the h*** am I gonna get through this.  but then great friends and family  Do things like meal trains in order Chinese and pizza so it's one less thing that I have to worry about. A great friend brought over subs and chips and sprite today which was perfect because we could munch on it as we were hungry while I finished sanitizing the house.  I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but he sire knows how to push the envelope.

It's good to have Tony home and I'm grateful that we are able to treat what he has with meds, but this also means that Tony will not be able to get chemo on Tuesday as planned. He will again have to skip around of chemo because he was too sick. The chemo is what's keeping tony's cancer at Bay and I get scared when we start skipping it.   In the meantime I'm not gonna focus on that I'm gonna focus on getting my family healthy and keeping myself healthy because the 2nd I get sick all h*** will break loose.

I can't thank you all enough for your thoughts prayers donations food deliveries words of encouragement and so much more over this past week. Please continue to pray for Tony's healing and that Austin gets over this flu. Go I normally don't ask for much I will ask of this, February 27th,  Debbie Dream foundation will be having our 6th annual advocacy day on Capitol Hill. Ladies and gentlemen this is where the funds come for research...the true big pots of money...the research that will find a cure. We have to keep raising awareness so I encourage you if you are free that day and can make it to DC please join us in meeting with our legislatures and lobbying for stomach cancer awareness.  We have to tell Tonys story and Debbies story, and your story.  We have to tell our children's story.  For their pain is real just like ours.  I encourage all of you to be a voice.

How About Some Good News?

Is there such thing in the cancer world as good news?  HELL YEAH there is!!  Its called good news in LIFE.  Because if you are still LIVING in the cancer world, then its a GREAT day.  I would just have to start off with...thank GOD 2017 is over.  Too many lost, too many deaths, too much pain and sorrow. It was about time that my family get some news that was FANTASTIC!!  Not ONLY did Alec (our 21 year old) get offered a full time job with the company he was temping for, we had an AMAZING time on our cruise, we finished closing out Tony's daddy's estate...which by the way, if you are EVER left as the executor of someones will...I feel sorry for you...please dear GOD I begged my parents to NOT leave me responsible LOL  its hard work and definitely not easy and a true pain in the butt.  Austin has really been amazing and a true rock for me.  He REMINDED me that he doesn't focus on dad being sick, he focuses on that he can still DO things with his dad.  He is truly mature beyond his years.  Alec and Austin started taking their little brothers out and spending time with them.  Which is something I had been praying for for a while.  They NEED each other. Plus I need ME TIME.  My older sister and I had a fantastic conversation today about ME TIME and how she wants me to schedule 30 min of ME TIME a day.  I remember telling my older sister 6 years ago that I really needed her now...but the truth is, she and I reconciled at the perfect time in BOTH of our lives...now.  Even my oldest son came and joined us for New Year's dinner.  Its like everything for once is falling into place.  I never thought in 2017 that anything would ever come together or I would ever wake from this nightmare...but you know what, when you stop focusing on negativity, its amazing what positive things are going on that we miss.  What defines us is HOW we get up every morning when life continues to beat us down.  Its how we set examples of strength and dignity and practicing what you preach.  If I say take time to smell the roses, I sure as hell better have some in my yard.  If I say spend time with the ones you love because none of us are promised tomorrow, I better be enjoying time with my family.  Walk the walk, not talk the talk.

What I truly think is really great?  Tony and I are more in love than ever.  We aren't fussing at each other or the kids.  We take the time to snuggle, we sneak kisses every second we get.  We are so happy.  Our family is finally coming together again.  No shoe will drop, we are really just enjoying it.

Tony's health is going to have ups and downs...and right now its up.  His scans are stable, he's finding a balance with his chemo and this crazy thing called life.  It feels good to take a deep breath and have time to feel the exhale actually leave my lungs.  We both lost a lot of friends and family these past 3 months.  Not only did Debbie pass, but that same day, my Uncle Martin gained his wings leaving his esophageal cancer behind.  December was a rough month, but Tony and I realized that we need each other more than ever and don't sweat the small stuff cause its all small stuff.  I told my boys if they do the right thing, they can't go wrong.  Even if its not always accepted, you are the one who has to face yourself in the mirror each morning.  I sing loud on the highway and enjoy it...what I'm really trying to say is, even though in the cancer world there are a whole lot of downs, its ok to smile and laugh and have GREAT days.  its ok to celebrate the normal milestones that your children achieve and we should ALL live each day as its our last.  Tonight I took time and tucked my children into bed, kissed them on the cheek, and tucked the covers under their sweet chins...and I loved every minute of it.  I listen to my mother in law when she says it all goes so fast.  Life, Love, Marriage.  ENJOY IT!!!  So with that, I'm going to sign off and go spend time with Tony.

If you have time, I was truly honored to be interviewed by Cancer Today Magazine about care-giving.  My hats off to all caregivers!!!  Its not easy!!  XOXOXO
Here is the link.  http://www.cancertodaymag.org/Winter2017/Pages/A-Call-to-Care.aspx

A Love Lost - Debbie Zelman

For the first time in a really long time I have no words.  I don't have the right thing to say.  I have no words of encouragement, only words of pain and sadness.  I know she would NEVER want me to dwell on her loss.  She would want me to turn that pain and anger and frustration into motivation.  She would want me to lift her family up in prayer and encourage her children to finish school and carry on in her legacy.  She told me a funny story about how her husband Andy went to work in scrubs one day instead of a suit and she was caught off guard.  She's shared with me how our children are so much alike because all they've ever known is cancer.  They didn't know mom and dad before cancer.  Sarah was 3, like Aydin was 4.  We talked about teenagers and college applications, we talked about boyfriends and girl friends of those teenagers and oh the similarities.  We talked about being neighbors and how we would never sleep. Our friendship was more than just stomach cancer.  Stomach cancer truly was our passion, its what brought us together, but our family was our heart and soul.

Debbie Zelman was like a sister to me.  I would never say she was my sister because I would NEVER take that bond from her true beautiful sisters.  The ones she played hopscotch and barbies with.  But she inspired me, she mentored me, she empowered me to not sit on my butt and allow doctors to have the final say in Tony's care.  She taught me how to be a voice...and though her voice won't be on the other end when I call, her message will CONTINUE to be SHOUTED from the rooftops.  We shared tears and even F bombs...when appropriate.  We shared laughter and frustration. 

Today I woke up with puffy eyes for my dear friend is soaring with the angels.  I have a lump in my throat that won't go away.  I have a pain in my chest that makes it hard to breath.  She and Tony encouraged each other to keep fighting the fight.  To me, my friend was invincible.  But like we all know, cancer has no remorse. 

I am scared.  I sad.  I am broken hearted.  I was crying at my desk yesterday and Ashton crawled into my lap.  I told him not now and tried to push him off.  Instead he wrapped his arms around my neck and held on tight and said, its ok mommy.  I couldn't help me latch on and just cry.  I cried so hard.  My baby, my 7 year old, did to me what I do to him when he is sad and angry and scared.  He forced me to let it out.  He said its not fair that everyone is dying.  And I said, no baby, its not.  I have to believe and have faith that God really does have a plan.  I have to believe that there is a special place in heaven for our warriors.

Every time I stop and take a deep breath, I can see Debbies smile.  I can hear her telling me its going to be ok.  She is telling me to keep the torch lit and to not let her dream be silenced.  She's telling me that she's always going to be looking over us.  Debbie's smile could light up a room.  But Debbie was tired.  She didn't want us to remember her that way.  She would want us to use her death as a stepping stone in carrying her message.  That is what Debbie would want.  Any angle to find a CURE for this horrible disease.

So my dear friend, I made you a promise that I WILL KEEP!!!  I will keep advocating and fighting for a cure.  I will continue to raise awareness and I will continue to keep your legacy alive.  I miss you and I love you.  A love was lost, but I PROMISE YOU will NEVER be forgotten.