I'm Cooking As Fast As I Can Dial

OK Its Friday night.  I had a long week at work.  It happens.  It was nice actually.  No trips to Duke, no scans, just a normal work week.  What the heck is that like?  It means its Friday night and I'm cooking as fast as I can dial cause I sure as heck don't feel like pulling out the pots and pans.  Do you have ANY IDEA how good it felt to order pizza and pasta and not have a reason other than I felt like it.  It was like a sigh of relief.  There doesn't always have to be a CANCER reason, sometimes it can be a NORMAL reason.  Like happy hour at 5 will still go on whether chemo is going on or not.  Actually, I think my brother ordered pizza and had it delivered during his chemo come to think of it.

I called Alec and wined...whatchya doing?  You fly I'll buy.  Too bad he was playing basketball...so we decided on delivery.  Not much to order for take out this way that delivers...the joys of being in the country.  So Pizza Hut it was.  Tony actually came to the table tonight.  He's so frail, but all the matters to me is that we still have our family dinners.  Sometimes family dinners are in the bedroom and that's ok too.

The rules can change at the drop of a hat and THAT IS OK!!!  Sometimes the laundry piles up, and sometimes I order take out.  Cancer or not, don't we ALL feel that way sometimes?

I'm cooking as fast as I can dial, has to be my favorite post it note.  My sister Kathleen would agree.  Sometimes life just happens so fast we have to take short cuts.  I don't know who ever invented the word short cut, its called making life easier and who said it EVER had to be hard.  Its really what we make it to be.  And rules?  What rules?  That's all up for discussion.

Maybe I should come off my soap box now and laugh, smile, and say, you know what??  Today was a GREAT DAY!!!  TGIF  Today I will smile and feel GREAT about it!!

One Minute Its in His Liver....The next its Not???

There is nothing worse than getting a scan and reading the report and seeing one word...METISTATIC.  It always makes your heart drop, eyes fill up with tears, and puts a lump in your throat where you feel like if you swallow your saliva you might just throw it up because it won't go down.

Tuesday afternoon was just that.  The radiology report we received suggested Tony had metistatic disease in his liver.  This meant only 5 weeks post op Tony's cancer wsa spreading.  I didn't even know how to react.  My emotions put me in a depression I had never felt.  I couldn't believe this was actually happening.

Sitting the boys down was the hardest part.  Aydin asked me if Daddy's cancer was back when he saw me crying in the car on the way to therapy.  All I kept thinking was, will he even make it to Christmas?  I didn't know how the hell I was supposed to stay strong.  Then of course I shared the news with the other boys and their tears broke me.

I emailed Tony's surgeon immediatly.

"TONY'S CANCER IS SPREADING" I put in the subject line.

Dr. Pappas emailed me back right away requesting the CD.  I already had it sent via overnight so Duke could take a look at it.

Wednesday afternoon my phone rang.  Duke Radiology had already read the report.  THEY DISAGREED WITH THE REPORT!!!  They said NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE at the liver!!! :)

Aparently the blood was flowing funky which can appear to be tumor like in appearance.  Now the question is who do I beleive?

Friday couldn't come fast enough.  We met with Tony's new oncologist and she too agree with Duke's report after she reviewed the scan.

"We will run some tests on your tumor to determine whether we start you on immunotherapy or chemotherapy.  In the mean time, Tony has to get his strength back."  We have 6 weeks to get him strong.  We don't need any more delays in treatment.

While this is great news and a sigh of relif, its hard to not have some anxiety about cancer floating around in his body with no course of treatment keeping it at bay.  But then again, its about quality of life as well.  We get to enjoy the next 6 weeks!!!  HELLO SUMMER!!!!

The Balance of Cargiving / Mom / Wife

Our first week home from Duke was exhausting.  Mother's Day was a day of cleaning and spending time with the little ones who missed us dearly.  I promised them we would be there for baseball games this week and the big Championship football game that Saturday.  FINALLY we were home.  This means I have to do the packing, the lovinox shots, remind Tony to eat, take his meds, and when the alarm went off at 6 it wasn't because the doctors were making rounds, it was because the boys had to get up for school and the 8am alarm meant back to work.  There was no Starbucks to make my coffee, it was back to the grind.  I was back to my new normal...whatever that is.

The nurse came Monday and packed Tony's wound for me.  She assured me she would be there 3 days a week and I could call her ANYTIME.  By the second visit we were getting concerned that Tony's wound was not healing but getting bigger.  Staples were popping off.  Is this normal?  As I snap a photo from my phone and email it to his surgeon.  Keep packing  and watch it they say.  By the third visit, day Tony's wound looked HORRIBLE.  It was bigger, deeper, and you could see his internal stitches.  The term DEHISCING was used.  Whatever the heck that is.  Is that even a word? I asked...apparently it is.  HAHAHA In other words, Tony was overdoing it because for the first time in YEARS his deep pain had started going away and he wasn't nauseous.  :)  Well God has a sense of humor...he forced Tony to lay on his butt and get back in the bed.

We snapped another photo of the incision and immediately got a phone call from Duke.  It was Friday, Tony was being directly admitted back into the hospital that day and needed to be there in the next couple of hours.  I asked Alec to go check the little ones out of school.  They were so excited to walk in the door at 130 instead of 330.  Big hugs and kisses.

"Boys sit down." I said
"What is it mommy?" Aydin asked.
"Daddy and I have to back to Duke."
"WHY?!?!  FOR HOW LONG???" Aydin shouts with tears in his eyes.

His anger has been only getting worse when it comes to cancer and his dad's illness.  I don't have the physical strength to even hold him anymore.  This big 9 year old football player doesn't have any idea how to control his emotions and as his mom I have NO CLUE how to help him.  Then the baby.  He just puts his head down and jumps in my lap and says, "Mommy, who is going to take care of me?"
"Boys I think its just for a few days.  Daddy's boo boo isn't getting better so they need to get it checked out so he doesn't get sick."  I told them it would be OK and I would call them in the morning.

I called my mom and said GUESS WHAT MOM!!!  Tony and I get the weekend to ourselves, no kids, and out of town to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary.  Yep, back to Duke we go.  I told her that Alec had the boys and Angie was on stand by...and of course I too would keep her posted.

"MOM!!! MY GAME!!!  YOUR GONNA MISS MY GAME!!!"  It was the county championship and I would have to get updates from facebook.

I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF MISSING BIG EVENTS!!!  And now my kids are too.

When the team at Duke heard about our anniversary they got us the big room and a big piece of chocolate cake to celebrate. Its the little things that make this journey a little of easier.  Luckily Tony only needed a wound vac and not another surgery.  I went down to the gift shop and got Tony a little anniversary something and a card.  I insisted on celebrating one way or another.


The next day I got the updates on how great the team did.  Not one mistake was made and Aydin had some great hits.  Everyone on the team snapshotted photos of Aydin with the trophy and sent them to me.  I thought it would make me happy, instead I cried.  Another nail in the coffin of missed events that CANCER takes away from me.

Sometimes I feel like I have to chose.  Why should I have to chose between my boys and my husband.  If I am supporting Tony, I feel like I'm neglecting my sons.  If I'm supporting my sons, I'm neglecting my husband.  What they don't all realize, I'm there...I'm everywhere...I'm in everything they do and though they may not see it or can touch it, I PROMISE I'm supporting all of them.  I just wish they knew how much I love all of them and at the same time how much they are ripping me apart.  Sometimes I feel like I want to smother my warrior with a pillow, then mad at him for not disciplining the kids for me, and then frustrated cause I just miss my husband that held me and told me it would be OK.  His arms around me holding me tight.  Now i have to share those arms with the boys who just want the strength of their father.  Its all a balance.  Its a challenge.  But at the end of the day (Monday) when we came home from Duke, the boys tackled us with hugs and kisses, the older boys hugged us with relief, and my husband kissed me good night in our own bed.  As I locked the doors that night, I looked around the quiet peaceful house and thought to myself...I sure wouldn't trade this for the world...that was my balance.  It wobbles, but at the end of the day it all levels out.

10 Days At Duke....AGAIN

The walls all too familiar, the linens haven't moved, the nurses faces are the same as before, and you're happy that the shower you got this time has a shower head that stands up straight.  There is still pizza in the cafeteria, and the 24/7 Starbucks means you might just put on a few extra pounds this week or two.  The stories are still the same of the loved one that had a life saving surgery, and the parents praying for their child with cancer that they can make it through the next round of chemo...we all are praying, we all hurt, we all walk the same halls and share the same stories.

Friday Day 2 - Come on honey its time to get up and walk.  Trying to not sound like his mother, but an encouraging wife...begging for her husband to recover just as quickly as he did the first time.  A simple request of extra pain meds for your hubby because you know what will get him through the next 48 hours.  Baby its 1 day post op don't you want a shower?  NO!!  Still having to smile, still having to encourage but not nag...you finally get him up and in the shower...this time though, he wares out quicker than before.  He's in more pain.  A 12+ incision and 3 manipulated organs just causes more complications and more TLC.  Will I survive this too?

Friday Night - Surprise prom is here at Duke as Austin and Bobbie walk the halls to visit dad, followed by happy tears, and hugs.  Life is only going to get better and your family is here for you...proven again.

Saturday - WHERE ARE HIS MEDS????  Its not the nurses fault, The pain doc ordered WHAT???  Dear God, that's PCP!!  No wonder he is seeing purple elephants and pulling away from my hand.  NURSE HELP!!!  They ordered too much!! :(  Can he just get some Tylenol?  I promise it takes the pain away?  IV, yes...I don't care who that guy is, he doesn't know my husband!!!  Finally a meeting, surgeon, pain mgt, I don't care what you want...THIS is what we are going to do.  You switch him to NPO, you order IV Tylenol and switch the dilaudid to fentyl and turn down the damn PCP...The cocktail I requested worked!!  24 hours Tony is up and walking, he's showering, sitting up, and pain is down to a 6...AMAZING!!

Now the cath comes out and waking up all night for bathroom trips and writing urine counts on the board. The sleep deprivation starts.  But I will stay strong, I am here for him, I will NOT have it any other way.  I will make it through nomatter what we go through this week.

Sunday - A visit from Mackenzie's family and Alec. Tony got up and walked around after he got his does of Alec.  Followed by two very excited 9 and 6 year olds that missed their mommy and daddy so much.  Dinner in the cafeteria and evening coffee in Starbucks with my dad and mom and hot chocolate for the lil A's.  Tears and hugs when its time to say good bye...cause this sure as heck never gets easier.

Monday - Day 5, third sheet change, the blankets are still in the same cabinet, the cups and ice chips are around the corner from the nurses station, and now we get smiles and cheers on the 2nd lap around the floor.  Then the miracle we needed...Tony POOPED!!  It took a few days, but it finally happened.  The colon is working and we are closer to going home.

Tuesday - A childhood friend surprises Tony.  Broin came by and made Tony get up and walk 3 laps.  He is here to push and encourage so I can take a break.  Seeing his friends perked Tony up and makes the journey just a little bit easier and worth it.

Wed - MOVING DAY!!  We got moved to a bigger room cause our toilet was messed up...but does the shower work?  Its so important that I get my daily showers.

Thursday - More visits from another childhood friends and former co-workers.  Frank and Jim came by along with another dose of Alec.  More laps around the floor.  IV's are slowly being disconnected, home meds are being introduced.  Mood swings are in full force and I'm excited that my love is FINALLY ready to get the hell up outta here!! :)

By Friday we are discussing discharge to be home in time for our baby's football games and Mother's Day?  Tony is able to keep food down, just need to get on the protein and high calorie diet.  Too easy, this isn't our first rodeo.  Pack up, time for discharge ready to go...one final night in the recliner.  One more time to the familiar cabinet, one more night in this room, one more walk through the halls.

Saturday Morning - Dr. Pappas orders vaccines unexpectedly, delaying discharge a couple of hours, I thought one more walk through the halls, one more visit to Starbucks, one more story being seen by the walls its time to go home and surprise our babies!!!  :)

Finally, happiness is Duke in our rear view mirror...only to have us return...again *CRY*

Cape Fear’s Austin Leonard surprises dad at Duke before prom

Tony Leonard was a little more than a day removed from surgery to remove a tumor in his abdomen.

By Jaclyn Shambaugh (Fayetteville Observer)

Cape Fear junior Austin Leonard, a part of the Colts’ state runner-up football team in the fall, knew his father, Tony Leonard, wouldn’t be home to see him off before his first prom Saturday.

Tony, little more than a day removed from extensive surgery to remove a tumor in his abdomen, is in recovery at Duke.

No problem. Austin and girlfriend Bobbie Machelle Cox took prom to him.

“Austin asked if him and his girlfriend could get all dressed and come surprise him,” said Christy Leonard, mother to Austin and four other sons with Tony. “Take prom to him.”

The couple donned their tux and gown and showed up Friday in Tony’s hospital room, giving him a chance to see Austin and Bobbie in their best a day before Cape Fear’s prom.

“It was Austin’s idea but Bobbie’s mom, Heather Smith, made it happen,” Christy said. “It still makes me cry when I think about it. Tony was hiding his tears last night when he saw Austin.”

The Leonards have been advocates for stomach cancer awareness since Tony’s initial diagnosis in January 2012.

The couple organizes an annual golf tournament, Debbie Dream’s Foundation Golf Tournament, to raise money for stomach cancer research.

Through their efforts, North Carolina legislators have declared November “Curing Stomach Cancer Month” three straight years.

Tony has had multiple surgeries, including the removal of his stomach a month after his diagnosis.

During his most recent surgery, performed Thursday, doctors removed his spleen and parts of his pancreas and colon to remove the tumor.

“It’s going to be a long recovery,” Christy said. “But I think this might be a prom that will never be forgotten by Austin or Tony.”

http://www.fayobserver.com/sports/20170506/cape-fears-austin-leonard-surprises-dad-at-duke-before-prom

The Scan Was Wrong

The night before surgery a little request to our surgeon...

Dr. Pappas,

Thank you again for everything you have done for Tony and believe it or not our family these past 5 years.  Its time for another miracle.  I will be praying for you and your team tomorrow.  If we have to do this every 5 years I'll take it.  Please do everything you can tomorrow to help Tony!!  Please save him again!!

All my best!!

These boys deserve a father to watch them grow up...report time was 8am.  A prayer with Pastor Sammy and his wife, a visit with my mom, and a last minute visit with Frank, Tony's childhood best friend, I kissed him good bye as they rolled him into surgery.  The tears were few this time.  I had been through this before, I knew what to do.  The best part...I wasn't alone this time.  I didn't have to watch the clock tick, tick, tick...instead I had conversation to keep me occupied.  I didn't have a quiet brain of thinking, instead I had prayer and hope rushing through my head and heart. 

Exactly 1 hour after surgery started, I went up to the desk and asked the lady (a familiar face from 5 years before) to call back to the OR and ask for an update.  She revealed they were continuing on with surgery, and making the incision now.  Happy and relieved, I walked back to the group and shared the good news.  Now it was another 2 hour wait.  What would be next?  Instead I decided to give the good news to Alec that surgery was continuing.  He must have been watching the clock because he called me just 10 min before for an update. :)

Three hours later, my pager went off.  Dr. Pappas was ready to see me.  I went into the room by myself and sat down on the couch.  I watched the clock, just as I started counting, Dr. Pappas walks in the door and tells me everything went well...He calming tells me what all he had to do, and what the cancer had done, and what was next.  He told me this was good news and I needed to get myself together because I would be the first person he would see when he woke up.  This is as good as it gets.

I walked back out to the group, trying to keep my emotions contained.  Happiness, Fear, Anxiety....all in one.

"Dr. Pappas did it again!!!" I announced

Knowing that any other surgeon would've closed Tony up, I was even more emotional.  Why all this if the tumor was only in his colon?  IT WASN'T.  When the doctor got in there, the tumor was growing through his spleen, pancreas, and colon...the scan was wrong.  :(  Thank God though because they continued with surgery.  First the colon in chunks to get back to the pancreas and spleen.  Bye Bye spleen, bye bye tail of pancreas and bye bye 23 cm of colon.

My love, my best friend, my soul mate has a long recovery ahead.  But he's still here, he will continue to fight.  I have some good news for my babies!!!

Thank God for answered prayers.

I'm Just As Scared

I've never really shard all the emotions that go through my heart during the journey.  The fear, the strength, the love, the tears, the joy, the sadness...and oh the ANGER.  Am i wrong for being upset and angry at cancer?  How DARE it come in and ruin my perfect little family?  How DARE it test my faith and my vows of sickness and health.  HOW DARE it pain my children and keep me from being the mom I've ALWAYS wanted to be?

I'm just as scared as them, I'm just scared as you, I'm afraid.  And sometimes...even though everyone is here for me, i feel alone.  I just need to cry sometimes, I need to scream at the top of my lungs but if I express or show a glimmer of fear who will be there for my children?  Who will dry their tears?  Who will show them that WE will be OK?  I have to love them all through each and every one of their emotions.  Whether its anger, frustration, fear, confusion, happiness, all of it...I, Mom, must love them through it.  AND oh its hard.

I'm scared that my fear will show, and leak out and they will lose faith.  I'm scared that I will join the young widow club.  I'm scared that the surgery won't be successful, I'm scared the chemo wont work, I'm scared of missing out on my young children's lives.  I FEAR THE UNKNOWN.

Dry your eyes your told.  Be strong for them.  You aren't alone.  He'll beat it.  Y'all got this.  I'm here for you.  Yet I just want to e a little girl where my parents tell me its going to be OK and it is.  I want my mom to be able to kiss his boo boo and all is healed.  It doesn't work like that.  I have to keep holding on and i have to stay strong for my warrior...my kids, his parents, everyone and deep down I'm just as scared of the rest of them.  Don't you get it?  GOD DO YOU HEAR ME??????  I'M SCARED!!!!!!!!!  Please Lord give me some courage to fight this fight with him.  Take away my children's fears and my fears...the tears are flowing ever so hard now....its the night before surgery...another life or death determinative surgery.

Tonight I will cry, I will hold him, I will hit my knees and pray.  YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM YET...Tonight its OK to be scared...as tomorrow I MUST BE STRONG!!!