....When Your Gut Is Right

Why did I say Christmas?  Why was that always what stuck out in my mind?  I told them...I told them they can't find it.  THE CANCER IS THERE...YOU JUST CAN'T SEE IT!!!  I mean I get it...diffused cancer, it doesn't show on scans.  HE CANT POOP DOC!!!  HE THROWS IT ALL UP DOC!!!  HE IS IN PAIN DOC!!  SOMETHING IS WRONG DOC!!!  An obstruction...no cancer Ms. Leonard.  THEN FIX IT...and so it was.

DOC...He can't control his bladder.  Hes only 45 doc.  WHATS WRONG DOC??  Its the cancer I'm telling you.  Ms. Leonard, we don't see any cancer.  THEN WHATS WRONG???  He tested positive for a UTI.  Antibiotics are waiting for him at the pharmacy.

DOC...He can't control his bowels.  ITS THE CANCER...I know it is.  Christy, I'm admitting him and we will scan his spine...prepare yourself.  Back to Duke for a 3 hour MRI.  I'm ready Doc, just tell me.  SCANS ARE CLEAR!!!  WHAT???  SERIOUSLY???  THEN WHATS WRONG??  ITS THE CANCER I KNOW IT IS.  Ms. Leonard we think its his nutrition...let start TPN.

Happy Birthday Tony...time to start TPN, when do you want to come to the hospital?  Can it be after the boys football game this weekend?  Its the second round of the playoffs and I don't want him to miss it.  Absolutely the doc says.

DOC!!!  HES PROJECTILE VOMITTING, HIS BELLY IS SWOLLEN...WHAT DO I DO DOC?  I'm admitting him Christy.  NOOOO He's going to miss the game...Christy, get it together...and so I did.

All this poking and prodding DOC...tell me...TELL ME!!!  We don't have results yet.  Then I'm going home for a couple of days to be with my boys.  I love you honey, see you Thursday Doc.

Phone rings - Yes Doc? Are you home?  Yes.  Are you with the boys?  Yes, but they are in the other room.

I'm sorry to do this over the phone...No Doc, say it aint so...His ascites tested positive for cancer cells...NO...NO...NO!!!!!!!!!!  I am so sorry Christy.  WHY DOC...HE FOUGHT SO HARD!!  But...I knew.  I knew all this time.  My gut told me so. He said, you were right...you were right all along.  I don't want you to tell him, not without me Doc.  NOT ONE PERSON, I'll be there in the morning.

At that moment in time someone reached into my gut, punched me so hard, grabbed my heart and ripped it out.  WHY GOD!????  WHY?  WHY ARE YOU TAKING MY LOVE FROM ME?  WHY ARE YOU TAKING MY BABY'S DADDY?  WHAT DID HE EVER DO?  HE'S A GOOD MAN GOD.  WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME????  YOU TOOK MY BROTHER, YOU TOOK MY FATHER IN LAW, MY MOTHER IN LAW....WHY ARE YOU TAKING HIM FROM OUR FAMILY???

It hurts?  I'm drowning...I can't breath.  The tears are pouring and I have never felt so helpless in my life...then I take a deep breath and email the doc...What are our options Doc???  Tony's too weak for treatment, the recommendation is Hospice......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  any bit left of my heart fell to the floor with each tear my heart shattered.

.....and all I can think about now...is Dear God, how do I tell my boys???  Please pray for all of us.  I still haven't told my little ones...I don't know how.  Now...I am numb, for now my love is aware that his journey is coming to an end.  A journey that he and I both fought so hard to continue till we were 100 years old.  My love, my best friend, my everything.  A piece of me will die with you...I will never be the same...But I promise you this...EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD WILL KNOW ABOUT STOMACH CANCER.  I PROMISE YOU THIS...WITH EVERY BREATH I TAKE, MY BOYS WILL REMEMBER THEIR DADDY, WE WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT FOR THOSE THAT FIGHT.  YOUR LEGACY WILL BE AMAZING!!!  and...you will always be close to me!!  XOXOX

When Is It All Too Much?

I'm sitting here in this hospital room again writing one of the hardest blogs writings I've ever put on paper.  For some reason, when we think something, it doesn't seem real unless you say it.  But then its still can be altered.  However, when you put something on paper...its like etched in stone.

I have been very quiet these past couple of months.  I have talked about long hospital stays, the waiting game, the ups and downs...what I haven't talked about is MY journey.  Where am I at.  I am struggling.  I am struggling with what the right answer is.  So many times these past couple of days I have just wanted to disconnect Tony from these IV's and take him home, put him in our bed, and just allow him to live or die...whatever God has planned.  Then I look at my boys with him.  I look at how they smile with him, how it doesn't matter WHAT they are doing as long as they can curl up next to their daddy and just spend time with him.  Because honestly, that's all any of us want...more time.  More time, but at what cost?  I have sat back and watched Tony go through test after test after test and had things poked and examined, that NO MAN should have to go through.  For what?  5 more weeks, 5 more months? or 5 more days?  Are we just spinning our wheels doc?  Cause I am struggling here.  I am..going against EVERYTHING I PROMISED HIM AND MYSELF WE WOULD DO.  I never said I would just keep putting him through this if it wasn't going to change the outcome.

I am hurting inside because I have no idea which direction to take.  I don't want to lose him, I don't want to let my boys down.  I don't want anyone to think I gave up or failed him.  I don't want to rob this precious time they have with each other.  And honestly, selfishly, I don't want to be alone.  I don't want his side of the bed to be empty, I want to keep fussing at him for leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor, and I truly honestly...something most of you don't know, I really don't want to love someone more than myself and let them go again.

My chest hurts, my eyes burn, my head is pounding.  I feel like I'm drowning.  There is no right or wrong answer, no one is going to come out of this on top.

Why?  Why am I feeling this way?  I haven't shared a reason.  Tony's MRI scans were clean. I couldn't believe it.  I had mentally prepared myself for hospice.  I was ready.  I knew what I was going to say to the boys and our family and friends.  I was prepared.  When we got the news that everything was fine, I said, that's great...but then why the hell is all of this happening?

For the past 8 weeks Tony has had some personal issues killing his dignity, these past 2 weeks his bowels stopped moving.  We agreed that TPN was the way to go in hopes that everything that he was experiencing was a result of malnutrition.  Tony was supposed to be admitted Sunday to start TPN in the hospital and then we would go home after a week.  Instead he woke up Thursday morning with his belly distended.  Not too too much, but enough for me to notice and call the doctors.  They moved his admission up to that same day.  His CT of course showed not evidence of disease, but a slight increase in ascites.  We agreed this was due to malnutrition and started TPN immediately.  In the mean time they tried shots and suppositories to help his bowels move...nothing.  They had him pee in a cup, examined his male parts, prostate exam, and more. They consulted with urology and wanted to scope his bladder.  When I learned what that entailed, I said STOP!!!  Hasn't this many been through enough?  HIs surgeon who has been with us for these past 7 years came in and I broke down and cried.  When is enough, enough?   Tony has been poked and prodded in places NO MAN should EVER be.  What is our goal here doc and what are you not telling me?  His response...lets see what tests show.  I'll talk with your oncologist this afternoon.  He answered.  He agreed, Tony is my husband, a daddy, not a guinea pig.

The lesson here is....don't be afraid to ask for a line in the sand.  Don't be afraid to ask for a goal.  MAKE SURE you aren't spending what could be your last days grasping for straws and putting your love through unnecessary tests.  Lay in the bed with one another, kiss often.  Follow your gut and speak up.  Quality over Quantity.

Waiting Is The Hardest Part

I'm sitting here waiting.  Waiting because the next 24 hours will tell me what our fate is.  Tony was admitted back into the hospital yesterday.  I don't want to go into detail because part of this journey is keeping as much dignity for your loved one in tact. With that said, I went downstairs to get our coffee this morning, and on the way back they were taking him down for his MRI.  The 2 hr long MRI that would tell us if Tony's cancer has spread to his spine.  The symptoms are there, but we just don't know.  Tony has diffused cancer, and it doesn't like to show up on scans.  But something isn't right and we all know it.

Tony's malnutrition labs are right back to where they were a couple of months ago.  My heart is breaking for him.  Hell, my heart is breaking for me.  I don't want to be selfish but it hurts.  I haven't been able to stop crying since I got into it with God yesterday...I yelled at him. I told him I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!!!  I DIDN'T WANT THIS LIFE!!!  WHAT DID I DO TO YOU???  Then I called him an SOB.  I know, I'm not supposed to go there, but damnit...my gut has been in knots and my chest hurts and until they tell me different, I know there is something wrong.

So back to the room I went...alone...watching the second hand tick on the clock.  Looking at my phone to see if there was a text message or 2 not about Tony that could help me keep my mind off things.  Wanting to cry with someone, but instead, I do what I always do.  Focus on other things...like our golf tournament this weekend, the boys school, work....but honestly, I can't help but stare at the door and hope someone walks through with the verdict...as I type this the man in the white coat is standing outside the door....

My heart is racing, beating super fast.  Come out with it already.  They doc and PA are standing there and tell me his brain looked fine.  We got the all clear.  But his spine results weren't back yet.  What could be causing all these issues Tony is having?  What is the answer going to be, good, bad, indifferent?  Not wanting the cancer, but wanting an answer so we can treat/fix it.

If the cancer is in his spine, then the journey is coming to an end.  If its not, then what do we do so he won't starve to death?  Someone please guide me?  I don't' know what the right now.  

I made the mistake at yelling at God.  But I know he knows I didn't really mean it.  I'm just wanting answers.  Answers that will fix him.  I ask him what's wrong, and he just shakes his head.  He's so tired.  I am too.  I am straight exhausted.  But I can't give up...not today, not ever!!!!

Losing Faith...

Once upon a time there was a little girl who always had to have the closet light on when she went to sleep.  She was afraid of her closet when it was dark.  The door needed to be cracked just a bit so the light would act as a night light.  See the monsters don't come out in the light, they only come out in the dark.  They come out when no one is looking, when no one is watching, when our guard is down.

As the little girl got older she knew she could take on any monsters in her closet and learned to trust her gut, her strength, and face those monsters head on if they should ever appear.  The now not so young girl learned to sleep in the dark soundly, peacefully, and without fear.

Just then, when she least expect it, the monsters would bang on the closet door and try to come out and scare her, but the now woman would simply take a deep breath, and turn on the light.  For the light of the angles always protected her.  See there were no monsters, just fear...but our fears always come out when we keep the light of God off.  Her strength was so powerful, she forgot that God had given it to her.

And that my friends is where I am today.  I am struggling today.  I am struggling with trusting that light.  Every night before bed, I turn off the lights, and I don't pray any more.  I ask others to pray for me...cause I'm afraid if I pray, my prayers will be questions.  My ask will scare me, and His will, yeah well I'm afraid of that too.

I REFUSE to ask God why...because EVERY DAY, my love wakes up, sips on his coffee, and makes plans to go out EVERY DAY.  NO MATTER HOW TIRED.  Even if its a trip down the street to  Dollar General with the boys; Tony will find a way to make each and every day count.  So who am I?  Who am I to deny my love that memory or moment with his children?  Prime example, last Saturday Tony decided to take the boys hunting.  Now I can't get those two knuckleheads up on a school  morning at 6am, but come Saturday morning at 430am they were up and dressed and waking us up to go hunting. Now I was maaaad.  I knew darn well it was too cold and Tony didn't need to climb up a deer stand because I was so afraid he was going to fall.  Then a friend reminded me...Christy, even if its for 5 minutes, don't take that memory away from him or the boys...and he was right.

See lately, I've been living in fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I've been living like that for a long time.  The light...has been off.  See sometimes I get mad at God.  But that only means that I know he's there right?  I mean, I'm sure I've made him mad a few times.  I don't understand his plan or his reasons...and then I get a text message about how Tony offers HOPE.  Or today during his CT scan, a man said, see, he's a walking miracle and a testament to what OUR GOD can do.  And that my friends is why I'm afraid to pray...because I want him healed...and I'm afraid that in order to heal him, I'll have to let him go...and I'm not ready.  My boys aren't ready.  WE #TEAMTONY are NOT ready.

You see, Tony's birthday is coming up.  Our 5th annual Stomach Cancer golf tournament and charity dinner is coming up.  Our warrior is CELEBRATING LIFE with another birthday!!  Come join us, join him.  Every birthday for him is a miracle.

Tony had his CT scan today, and now we have more tests.  We have MRIs next week.  Tony's had some funky things going on with him lately and well, his body may say one thing, but his MIND says something completely different.  And I as his wife will continue to stand by and fight and advocate and care for him as long as he allows me too.  Our warrior is getting thin, our warrior may be tired, but our warrior is going to fight until its time, to join that protecting light.

The Results Are In - After 19 Days!!!

Follow your gut.  That's all I can say.  I knew something was wrong, I could feel it.  I just knew it.  But no one believed me.  We spent a week in the hospital 2 months ago and they couldn't find anything.  Yet my gut was in knots.  2 months of the same thing, Tony intense pain, throwing up everything he put down...yet nothing made sense.  It was time for routine scans and the CT showed an obstruction in his small bowel.  The worst part, it was on the outside pushing in...yet no one could see what it was.

Tony's oncologist called his surgeon and they discussed a plan.  Tony was too have an upper and lower GI scope to determine next steps.  But most likely Tony was going to need another surgery.  :(

Between being told no more chemo, and Tony being so sick, we decided it was time to for Tony to see everyone.  All of our friends and family came over for a great Sunday dinner taking photos and lifting Tony's spirits. Little did they know about his recent obstruction and possible surgery, and neither did the kids.  Not only did Tony have an obstruction, he was recovering from aspiration pneumonia.

I have never been so scared...or so I thought.  Monday I got his scopes scheduled and he was to start is prep Wed...but low and behold Tony walked into the kitchen Tuesday night and said, I think we need to go to the hospital.  TONY NEVER SAYS THAT!!!  HE HATES THE HOSPITAL.  I paged his oncologist and she called back right away.  She said to get Tony to the Duke ER ASAP.  She was afraid his obstruction had worsened.

We got to Duke and went straight back to a room.  XRAY's, labs etc.  Tony's liver enzymes had skyrocketed.  I mean 12 to 212, and pancreatic enzymes, 16 to 637.  My heart was racing.  The attending came in and I demanded a CT.  Explained what we had learned just 4 days earlier.  He had a CT and it showed the obstruction had in fact worsened.  Doc came in and said, I paged the Surgeon on call to see if you're going straight to an OR or a room upstairs.  UMMMMMM, Yeahhhh sooooo you are only paging HIS SURGEON.  Not some resident on call.  When I told him who Tony's surgeon was, the team came down right away.  Because Tony was stable, and his surgeon would be arriving in 90 min, we felt it could wait.

I called my mom in tears.  "Mom, I don't know what's going on.  I'm so scared.  Everything is a mess.  His pancreas and liver and acting up.  He's in so much pain mom."  Worse, we STILL didn't know what was causing the obstruction.  I just knew...it was causing major issues.

Good news, no surgery that night.  going upstairs and waiting for consult with "THE MAN."

Surgery was scheduled for the following Friday, we were told, but he wasn't healthy enough.  Tony was so malnourished on a scale from 18-45, Tony was a 7.  :(  That's when we learned that Tony was to start TPN and had to stay in the hospital until surgery.  Then, we needed another 7-10 days for him to recover and get healthy. I had NO idea how to tell the little ones, I had NO idea how I was going to do it, I had NO idea about anything at this point.

After talking to Tony, we decided I need to go home for a couple of days and break the news in person. On the way home, my best friend called me.  She was coming to help!!!  For as long as we needed her too.  She was my angel.

I pulled into the driveway, and surprised the boys...then I heard from Ashton, wait...where's daddy mommy?  My heart sunk.  I told them to dry off and come inside.

Daddy's going to be in the hospital for a little while.  How long mommy?  A couple more weeks baby.  Aydin ran upstairs and Ashton started to cry.  Austin fought his tears, and I could see he wasn't happy.  I mean who would be right?

That night, I crawled into bed...and his side of the bed...was empty.

A week went by of me going back and forth to the hospital, it was time for surgery.  Surgery was a success, but when I asked about the obstruction...he didn't have an answer for me.  He told me pathology would tell us for sure.  At this point we were to focus on nutrition and recovery...but me, I only cared about pathology.  Was it cancer?  or not?

Tony was doing great for the first couple of days and then he took a quick turn and not for the good.  Tony began to sleep, and sleep, and sleep.  Couldn't hold a conversation and when he was awake, he was staring.  When it was time to eat, he had no desire.  A couple of bites, and he wanted me to take the tray away.  His color was no longer good, and I felt like I was losing him.  Four days I said, something is wrong.  Four days I said, we are missing something.  Four days, I relived what I went through with my mother in law, watching her die.

Palliative care was called.  I told him what was going on.  He asked me what I needed to know.  I said, I need to know if my husband is dying and no one is telling me, I blurted out with tears pouring down my face.  I JUST NEEDED TO KNOW!!!!  He put his hand on my hand and said, I don't think that is what is going on here.  I really don't.  I looked up and said, REALLY??  He said, No.  I think this is medication, something we did, and we can fix.  We went through every little medication, change add, removal etc over the past few days.  I said, wait...they increased his pump on Monday.  So we decided to decrease his pain pump, and turn off the rest of the meds.  The next day, Tony came a little more alert, but still no appetite.  I had palliative care paged and said, I don't understand.  We had another great conversation about quality of life and family and how Tony just wants to go home.  We miss our kids, our family, our home, we told him.

Just then we had some great visitors and we all went down to get lunch.  While we were sitting there, I received an email from Tony's surgeon.

Good news
Intraoperative biopsies did not show cancer, just scar tissue.

Ted Pappas

I gasped for air.  I couldn't believe it. I turned my phone and showed it to Tony.  Then Frank, then April.  WE WERE ALL SMILING.  I forwarded the message to his oncologist.  When I turned around, who did I see in the cafeteria?  But his oncologist!!!  I said, did you hear?  Did you get my message?  She had not, I shared the news and we did a big hug and celebrated right where we were standing.  IT WAS THE BEST NEWS EVER!!!

I  replied to his surgeon and said, OMG OMG OMG REALLY?  Followed by,

"Does that mean we can go home now?"  I asked

"Yes, Tomorrow." He replied

"With or without TPN?"

"Without"

"YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  I responded.  HAPPY DAY HAPPY DAY, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU...I AM HAPPY TO SHARE THAT AFTER 19 DAYS AT DUKE UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL, TONY LEONARD AND I WILL BE GOING HOME!!!  :)

We are surprising our boys at their first football game tomorrow, so please don't spoil the surprise!!!  PICTURES TO FOLLOW!!!

We can't thank you all enough for the INCREDIBLE support.  The visitors, the gift cards, donations, meals.  Its just been amazing.  Tony's journey and recovery is far from over.  He is still very malnourished, and weak, but we can continue recovering while improving nutrition at home.  I cant wait to sleep in the same bed with my love.

With that said, to my fellow caregivers.  Don't EVER stop advocating for your loved ones.  Wen you feel something is wrong, stomp those feet.  Follow your gut.  Family time is important.  Don't be afraid to accept and ask for help.  Demand the best.  And most importantly...BELIEVE IN GOD AND MIRACLES!!!  THEY REALLY DO HAPPEN EVERY DAY!!!

When Daddy Meets Jesus

My 10 year old Aydin and I had quite the conversation last week.  It went like this.

Mom: Aydin, Do you have any questions about what is going on with Daddy?

Aydin: Ummm yeah, actually.  When does daddy have chemo again? 

It hit me, that Aydin was not aware that we were not going to do any more chemo...

Mom: Well baby, daddy isn't going to get any chemo for a while.

Aydin sat there looking around the room.  You could tell he was thinking.

Mom: Do you have another question?

Aydin: Yes...soo if daddy isn't going to be getting chemo, what is going to keep him alive?

Mom (Deep Breath): Well baby, we just need to pray.  Pray that daddy can get stronger and maybe gain some weight.

Aydin still had a look of thought on his face.

Mom: What are you thinking about buddy.

Aydin: What its going to be like...ya know.  

Mom: I know sweetie, I think about that too sometimes.

Aydin: Mommy?  Daddy's side of the bed is going to be empty...

All I could do was wrap my son in his arms and say, you can lay there if you want to.  

One day, daddy is going to get to meet Jesus.  He is going to prepare heaven for us and be ready to take us home when its our turn.  And the truth is, none of us know when that will be.  Isn't daddy lucky that he knows that heaven isn't so far away so that he can do ALLLL the things he's ever wanted to do before then?  Its kinda neat right?  We all say, if you heard the apocalypse was coming, what would you do?  So why can't you ask the same question when you are told you have cancer?  Because with cancer comes a fight.  But sometimes that fight is painful.  Sometimes that fight makes you tired and you lose who you are.  And its ok to say, Jesus, Take me Home.  

One day, my dear hubby will meet our creator.  He will be reunited with his brother, him mom, and his dad.  I don't know when that day will be, I just pray that I have the strength to keep my family together and Band-Aid their hearts...just for a moment.  I want my boys to feel at peace because their daddy is no longer in pain.  I don't want people to forget about my boys.  I want them to still have a cheering section in the stands.  I want people to treat them like NORMAL kids and most importantly I want my boys to SUCCEED.

So where are we in the journey?  Tony has developed aspiration pneumonia...again.  His liver enzymes have doubled in 2 weeks, white blood cell count is 17.6 (normal is 4.0).  Physically he has been very tired and sleeping a lot.  Mentally his fight is still on and strong.  Friday is a big day for us.  We have scans and come up with a plan.  A plan that doesn't include chemo.  

Saturday the boys come home from Camp Kesem.  For those that don't know what that is, it s a camp for kids whose parents have been effected by cancer.  It is put on my college students across the country and is FREE to the campers. http://campkesem.org/ its a place for the kids to get a break from what's going on at home and JUST BE KIDS!!!  I just want my younger boys to laugh, and smile, and not have a worry on their mind...just for a moment.

BEACH TRIP JULY 2018

CAMP KESEM UNC CHAPEL HILL

The Chemo Is Killing Him

I don't know what its like to lose a husband.  I don't know what its like to lose a child.  Right now I just know the pain of losing a brother.  Everything else has been in the natural order of things.

What I do know is fear.  Fear what its going to be like, guilt for thinking about it, grief of a past life, and anger for cancer making me feel all of this.  I feel like I've been given a curfew that isn't fair.  A curfew that I know exists but no one will tell me the time.

A month ago we tried a new chemo.  Tony was pretty adamant about trying chemo again.  He said a break in chemo would kill him.  He said he knows what has happened to others when they stop chemo.  Where as I disagreed.  I felt like the chemo was making him sicker, weaker, and lose weight.  But Tony was pretty determined to give it one more shot, and so we did.

Monday he weighed in at 138 pounds at Duke; A 7 pound weight loss in 2 weeks.  His oncologist turned his chemo down in hopes that he could maintain his weight and be able to tolerate this new drug.  By Thursday Tony was in uncontrollable pain.  When its that bad, certain meds help so he can sleep through the pain. Saturday morning I convinced Tony to get on the scale.  My fear was spot on, Tony had lost 12 pounds in just 6 days.  At the same time his oncologist had emailed me asking for an update.  We discussed the past few days and then I saw the last sentence in her email. 

Regarding Chemo - NO MORE. 

Tony is not able to tolerate anymore chemo...and honestly we are reluctant to try anything else.  And now...I'm in uncharted territory.

We have been doing this fight for over six years.  We are literally treating an invisible cancer.  I truly hate not having a plan. I hate not being able to physically SEE what we are treating.  Its hard to know what is the right decision to make.  I fear that the chemo is going to take him before the cancer will, but if he doesn't have chemo, its only a matter of time.  SO WHAT DO WE DO?????  Well, Monday we go back to Duke for labs, fluids, chest x-ray, and a quick visit with the doc, and go from there.

I know he's tired physically, but mentally he's very much still there and wanting to fight.  He's loving, kind, gentle, and still spending time with the boys.  He's making those times special.  He tells me not to worry, and that's he's ok. He allows the boys to play his phone while laying in his armpit.  And the boys just want that time with him.  It doesn't have to be anything extravagant. Just allowing that time to happen.  It means going to bed late, and sharing your bed with the kiddos.  It means dinner in bed with daddy, crumbs in the sheets, and a young one on my side of the bed.  These memories will be what matters.  So with that said, I'm ending this with, instead of typing, I'm going to join Tony and the boys in bed, and treasure every moment.  Cause at the end of the day, that's all any of us have.

PRAY FOR OUR HERO, OUR WARRIOR, OUR LOVE!!  #TEAMTONY