Forever His Legacy, Forever My Love

How can I choose the right words to describe the BEST MAN IN THE WORLD?  He was the best father!! He was an amazing lover.  And absolutely the GREATEST PARTNER any one could ask for.  He demanded hard work and dedication.  He didn't believe in excuses.  No matter how sick Tony was, he always showed up.  Especially for his boys.  He was a father who lead by example with strength.  His battle was for his family, for the kids, for me.  His boys made him proud.  He couldn't be disappointed, if he wasn't proud...and to his boys...He was so proud so proud of you all.  You are his legacy.  You will carry on his name.  Tony's legacy of strength, courage, and love for family is one that will continue to live on in every person he came into contact with.  He was a warrior and inspiration to so many.  Tony made sacrifices for his family.  He'd drive hours through the night just to make it to a birthday party while working on the road.  He made it to sporting events despite his pain or sickness.  He was the man that boys looked up to and strived to be.  He believed you were who you associated with...so associate yourself with winners.  Tony was a friend to all.  But if you were a special friend, you were his family.  Family was everything to Tony.  He always said, "At the end of the day, family is all you have and can rely on."  Especially, if you're last name is LEONARD.  He'd always say to the boys, "You're a Leonard.  Its in your blood boy."  But if Tony called you family, it wasn't about blood...it was about love and trust.

Tony proved to me that TRUE LOVE does exist.  Tony loved me more than I loved myself.  He loved my faults, he loved my freckles, he loved my smiles, and my frowns.  He knew how I was feeling by the looks on my face, and he knew what kind of day I was going to have just by how I woke up.  Tony and I hated being apart.  We could sit on the phone for hours and listen to each other breathe.  If we blew up each others phones, it wasn't because we didn't trust one another, it was because we missed each other.  Tony brought me roses when I was getting my hair done...it was our wedding anniversary.  He was romantic and kind.  I was his queen and he was my king.  He exemplified how a husband treats a wife.  He demonstrated passion and understanding.  He trusted me with everything he had; and I him.  He defended me, and would put me first.  There were days that he'd drive me crazy, and I'd yell and fuss at him, but those moments would only last about 5 minutes.  Tony and I didn't sweat the small stuff.  Because most likely it was all small stuff.  Just thinking about him makes me smile...but it also makes me miss him oh so much.

I have no regrets, no stone was left unturned.  We did everything we had ever wanted to do.  No secrets, nothing left unsaid.  I am so blessed and grateful he allowed me to spend the rest of his life with him, and for the rest of mine, I will love him forever.

What is the message?  Life is short, and its what you make it.  If you're happy, embrace it, if you're not, DO something about it.  Love one another and support your family and friends.  Enjoy your life, because you only get one.  Pick up the phone and call each other, spend the day in bed with someone you love.  Tony said, "Life is determined by the choices you make."  Make the BEST of each moment and don't dwell in the bad.  "Regardless of how bad the news is, you still have a tomorrow.  The sun will still come up." (Tony Leonard)  Life goes on.  We're still going to get up every morning, and go to work, and school; and no matter what, Tony is always going to be there.  He's always going to be watching over us.  This journey has taught me what unconditional love is, but most importantly, its taught me how to live.

You Took Your Last Breath....It Hurts So Bad

Is it a dream?  Maybe you're just away on a business trip.  Maybe my phone will ring and your voice is on the other end.  I've been pretty numb.  For 5 days I watched your words get fewer and voice softer.  You moved into a hospital bed right next to our bed of 12 years and I still found a way to cuddle with you every night.  You held my hand and held on tight.  You were so weak but determined to still get up each day.  The last time you stood up you gave me the longest hug we had had in a while.  No words were shared, just holding one another and not wanting to let go.  You were just skin and bones but our hearts were beating together.  Your best friends were there every night.  You weren't alone...and every time your breaths would pause, we would hold your hand and tell you it was ok...but you weren't ready my love.  What were you holding on for?  Aydin, he needed his time.  I heard him cry as he said good bye.  Ashton needed to know that time was getting close.  I carefully put him in your armpit as you whispered to him it would be ok.  Ashton cried and asked why...I had no answers other than, I don't know baby, but if daddy says we will be ok, we will be okay.

That night, Broin, Frank, and I stayed up with Tony all night.  Tony was restless waking up and moaning every 15 min.  Alternating the morphine and adivan I struggled.  Was I killing the love of my life?  I ad to dig deep because my love told me, don't let me lay there and not be able to say I love you.  Don't let me lay there and not be able to tell you I was in pain. 

My room smelled of death.  Tony's organs were shutting down, his skin was dying, and my love didn't want to be like that.  With all his strength he reached out out to our hospice nurse Brooke looking at her like he was begging for relief.  Tony was choking on the morphine, I was having to suction his throat.  Monday night, Broin and Frank went home and I fell asleep before I could set my alarm to give Tony his medicine.  We all ironically slept peacefully.

I woke up Tuesday morning in a panic.  I stared right at his chest, he was still breathing, but hadn't moved all night.  Tony was no longer responding.  Without saying anything to the boys, I got up them up for school like every other morning.  Around 930, Brooke and her aide gave him a bath, Broin gave him a shave, I sprayed him with smell good (Aqua D'Gio) my love was ready to go home.  When I said I love you, he would slowly blink his eyes.  I knew he could hear me and was saying it back. 

At 5:00pm I called the boys and Tony's friends, and said time to come home.  We hooked him up to a morphine drip.  My love didn't deserve to suffer any longer.  It was the hardest decision I ever had to make, but Tony was specific in his instructions and it was my responsibility to follow them.  I sat on the bathroom floor crying and asking for God's forgiveness.  Selfishly I just wanted him here with me so we could still cuddle up at night.  He had been sick for so long, it didn't seem any different. But it wasn't fair to him. 

Around 923pm I called Brooke to ask her about his hands squeezing mine and broins hands.  Frank then pointed out his breathing changed.  NOOO....not happening.  I don't want him to go.  But there was nothing i could do other than put one hand on his chest and hold his other while I lay next to him watching his chest go up and down with each breath.  There was no rattle, no gasping for air.  I just know that my hand was raising with each breath and then...my hand didn't move.  At that moment, I cried out in pain.  My love was gone and damn did it hurt.  I didn't think about his pain being gone or suffering, I just wanted to wake up from the nightmare.  My sister held me and everything at that point is a blur.  When I rolled over, Aydin had just woken up.  Whats wrong mommy.  I now had to tell my 10 year old that Daddy had died.  Aydin jumped up and saw Tony laying there and broke down.  Daddy, Daddy, he wasn't sure if it was real.  Aydin crawled into the bed with him and wouldn't let go.  He didn't want to leave his daddy.  I comforted him while my mom called Brooke and told her it was time to come.

Brooke was amazing, she handled everything with tears pouring down her face.  She's my family now, she was broken hearted like all of us.  Tony impacted her like he had done for so many others.  She comforted me while ensuring my wishes when the funeral home arrived were met.  Anthoney stayed with me while they came and took Tony.  I couldn't watch.  I couldn't watch him leave our home...Anthoney watched him all the way down the driveway. 

That night, I slept with a pillow in my arms while Aydin slept in Tony's hospital bed.  At 7:00 the next morning, Ashton came running downstairs and woke me up.  "Mommy, where's daddy?"  My nightmare was real again.  He's gone to heaven.  He's with his family again.   Ashton bursted into tears.  "I didn't get to say good-bye mommy!!!" he cried.  I reminded him that he did 2 days earlier when daddy told him that everything was going to be ok.  He just layed in my arms and cried.  I knew then, it was our worst reality. 

We all knew that this day would come, we thought we prepared for it....but you can't.  I would've done ANYTHING to have my love with me forever.  We were supposed to beat this  together...instead we experienced a deeper more beautiful love and that i will forever hold on to.  But it hurts.  The pain is physical yet my heart is numb.  I don't feel like answering the phone, I don't feel like going out.  But the sun came up this morning, the alarm clocks went off, and I put the boys on the bus to school.  Its going to take me time.  I'm never going to stop loving you Anthony Wayne Leonard.  I know you said I would be ok because I'm strong, but today, I'm not....and that my friends, is ok.

Watching Him Fade...Piece by Peace

Two short hours after I shared I wasn't ready to say good bye, I received a phone call from one of our amazing hospice nurses, Brooke.  She wanted to help Tony and I renew our vows.  I couldn't believe it.  She said, Friday at 10:00!!  Pastor Dennis would be officiating.  I texted my mom and a few close friends.  I pulled out 7 suits for Tony, all were too big.  His 2 best friends came and helped him get dressed, my mom pinned on his boutonniere, all while I was upstairs getting dressed.  Years before I had bought I white dress from Ross for about $20 that hung in my closet for the perfect moment.  Friday was that moment.  Brooke's mom did my hair, and just like 11 1/2 years before my baby sister was right there.  She wiped my tears and led the way down the stairs.  I can tell you, I didn't notice another person in the room except Tony with our 2 youngest by his side.  It  the older 3 stood next to Tony at our first wedding...having Aydin and Ashton next to him this time, completed everything.  When I saw Tony, my heart broke.  Instead of being filled with happiness, I felt dejected.  We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together.  Grow old together.  Then when Pastor Dennis started speaking, I looked into Tony's eyes, he whispered, "I love you,"  and I the same.  Nothing else mattered at that point...just us loving one another and reminding each other of that.  When we kissed, I felt like it would be the last time...and you know what, it was okay.  We were complete.  All the hard conversations were over, we renewed our vows, we even smashed cake in each other's faces.  My love could've met our Lord and Savior right then and it would've been okay.  I will have the PRIVILEGE and HONOR to have been married to my Tony for the rest of HIS life.

We thought he had days...but those days have again turned into a week, and now weeks.  After we renewed our vows, my love started fading even more...just when I thought he couldn't lose more weight he did.  Just when I thought he couldn't sleep more, he has.  And just when I thought I was ready for him to stop suffering...I wasn't.  There is a selfish side to all of this that I don't like to admit.  I don't want him to go.

Last night after I helped Tony back from the bathroom, he fell into the bed, he didn't have the strength to move really, so I curled up with him as is.  He had the strength to scratch my back, he had the strength to say I love you...and at that moment in time, I no longer was ok with him to leave.  The world stood still at that moment in time.  At that moment, there was no cancer, I felt no bones, and we were back to our happy lives.

Then reality struck 5 minutes later.  He had to sit up quickly.  He felt sick.  The vomiting started.  His eyes turning black with lack of oxygen.  His weakness was apparent.  I was so helpless.  "My O2 baby," he gasped.  At that moment I remembered how it wasn't fair for him.  Its not fair for him to keep holding on...for me, for the kids.  He's suffering.

This morning as I was laying in his arms, him holding my hand across his belly he felt my tears on his shoulder.  "Don't cry baby."  He whispered.  "Its going to be ok."  He's never said that before.  He always said, "I'll be ok."  Never, It... "I can't do it without you."  "Yes you can, baby.  You're a strong woman." He responded.  My heart was physically breaking and hurting.  I don't want to live without him.  But its just not fair to him.

Tony's ulcer has gotten worse.  Its opening now and his skin is just dying.  Tony's not scared, we've checked all the boxes.  Every day is a gift.  Though he's breaking down piece by piece, HE, my love, my Tony, is finally at PEACE with life, with the final chapter.  He continues to be strong for all of us.  Our journey isn't over, but every morning he is able to say "I love you," is truly a blessing.

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I'm Not Ready To Say Goodbye

Have you told him its ok to go?

NO, NO I haven't.  I can't.  I think about what I'll say, or how I will say it, and then I break down.  I don't want to accept that he will be gone forever.  I don't want to be strong anymore and this will take all the strength I have.  What will I have left for the boys?

I turned on our wedding song.  I said, "Dance with me."  He took my in his boney arms, and for a min the world stood still.  We kissed, we hugged, we swayed, we cried.  How do I tell the man that finds the strength to dance with me that he can go dance in heaven?

I have planned the funeral/celebration of life, I know what pictures I want to use, I have discussed it with his best friends....but I can't tell him good bye.  I know he's tired, and I know he's holding on for me.  Once upon a time, I thought our love could beat anything.  It could survive anything...and maybe, just maybe our love could beat cancer.  How can you love someone enough to tell them good bye...forever?  We were supposed to grow old together.  We were supposed to renew our vows, we were supposed to argue about money more, we were supposed to laugh more...we were robbed.  I didn't choose this.  We didn't leave each other, there wasn't a big fight, so how do I send him on his way?

I can't tell him I'll be ok, cause I won't be.  I can promise him that I will raise our boys how he wanted them to be raised.  I can promise him that he will be in EVERYTHING we do.  I can promise him that I will miss him and that I will love him forever.  I can promise him that his legacy will continue to inspire so many.  I can promise him that Tony Leonard will become a household name.  Cause trust me....the world will know about stomach cancer and Tony Leonard!!!

Tony's journey is coming to a rapid end.  He has developed a Kennedy Ulcer (Kennedy terminal ulcer (KTU), is a dark sore that develops rapidly during the final stages of a person's life. Kennedy ulcers grow as skin breaks down as part of the dying process.)  I discovered it last night.  His nurse told me what it was this morning.  It completely broke my heart.  I now know we are looking at days.  His blood pressure and oxygen continue to be low, but my love continues to force himself out of bed.  My love is so strong.  He is NOT WEAK.  

Maybe that's what I tell him.  No my love, you are not giving up, you are not weak, you are not letting me down.  I love you too much to allow you to suffer like this any more.  I'm sorry I couldn't save you, I'm sorry we didn't have more time, but "THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH YOU!!!"

......Its almost time for you to be reunited with your mom, dad, and brother my love!!  Tell my brothers I love him.  Give your parents a hug for me.  Please tell your mom I hope I made her proud with my Korean cooking.  Tell your dad I MISS HIM SO MUCH.  I never got to say good bye.  And when you get to heaven my love, save a place for me right next to you, cause I will be there with you one day!!!

For now, I will dry my eyes, go lay in his arms, and kiss him, tell him I love him....and enjoy it.