I'm Not Ready To Say Goodbye

Have you told him its ok to go?

NO, NO I haven't.  I can't.  I think about what I'll say, or how I will say it, and then I break down.  I don't want to accept that he will be gone forever.  I don't want to be strong anymore and this will take all the strength I have.  What will I have left for the boys?

I turned on our wedding song.  I said, "Dance with me."  He took my in his boney arms, and for a min the world stood still.  We kissed, we hugged, we swayed, we cried.  How do I tell the man that finds the strength to dance with me that he can go dance in heaven?

I have planned the funeral/celebration of life, I know what pictures I want to use, I have discussed it with his best friends....but I can't tell him good bye.  I know he's tired, and I know he's holding on for me.  Once upon a time, I thought our love could beat anything.  It could survive anything...and maybe, just maybe our love could beat cancer.  How can you love someone enough to tell them good bye...forever?  We were supposed to grow old together.  We were supposed to renew our vows, we were supposed to argue about money more, we were supposed to laugh more...we were robbed.  I didn't choose this.  We didn't leave each other, there wasn't a big fight, so how do I send him on his way?

I can't tell him I'll be ok, cause I won't be.  I can promise him that I will raise our boys how he wanted them to be raised.  I can promise him that he will be in EVERYTHING we do.  I can promise him that I will miss him and that I will love him forever.  I can promise him that his legacy will continue to inspire so many.  I can promise him that Tony Leonard will become a household name.  Cause trust me....the world will know about stomach cancer and Tony Leonard!!!

Tony's journey is coming to a rapid end.  He has developed a Kennedy Ulcer (Kennedy terminal ulcer (KTU), is a dark sore that develops rapidly during the final stages of a person's life. Kennedy ulcers grow as skin breaks down as part of the dying process.)  I discovered it last night.  His nurse told me what it was this morning.  It completely broke my heart.  I now know we are looking at days.  His blood pressure and oxygen continue to be low, but my love continues to force himself out of bed.  My love is so strong.  He is NOT WEAK.  

Maybe that's what I tell him.  No my love, you are not giving up, you are not weak, you are not letting me down.  I love you too much to allow you to suffer like this any more.  I'm sorry I couldn't save you, I'm sorry we didn't have more time, but "THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH YOU!!!"

......Its almost time for you to be reunited with your mom, dad, and brother my love!!  Tell my brothers I love him.  Give your parents a hug for me.  Please tell your mom I hope I made her proud with my Korean cooking.  Tell your dad I MISS HIM SO MUCH.  I never got to say good bye.  And when you get to heaven my love, save a place for me right next to you, cause I will be there with you one day!!!

For now, I will dry my eyes, go lay in his arms, and kiss him, tell him I love him....and enjoy it.